PSST! … Wanna know where all the toilet paper went?

Mari recently burst into my “Nothing Room” destroying the brilliance of a very serious think tank session I was having with myself.

Reconvened in the Bored Room, she announced that amidst this CoronaPlague-19 … medical science just explained the reason we have a severe toilet paper shortage!

It’s not because we suddenly and senselessly started wadding-and-wiping.  “IT’S BECAUSE EVERYONE’S CRAPPING AT HOME … IN THEIR OWN TOILETS!”


One of the primary reasons we send adults and kids off to work and school is because they enjoy one of America’s greatest “freebies” … FREE TOILET PAPER!

For most Americans in school or at work … that’s a dump-a-day … maybe more.


Now don’t go crazy and send your little munchkins to the neighbor’s house to crap and use their toilet paper … thinking you’re gonna solve this “non-shortage.”

That’s not gonna work.

The “Issue-of-our-Tissue” is we have rolls of TP where we don’t need them … and empty shelves where we need TP.

Stop and think my little grasshopper … where is all that abandoned toilet paper we’re not using?


If we want to “Restore the TP Roll to its Rightful Role” … we need to take advantage of “The Great American Shutdown!”

Armed with an Executive Order, The Trumpmeister must demand that businesses surrender their vacant-in-house-shitter-TP-supply … and similarly … an armed Betsy DeVoss must storm the supply closets of America’s shuttered school buildings  … and confiscate all the paper designed for kid-butts!

DeVoss … taking lessons from Kellyanne Conway as Chief-Trump-Ass-Kisser … has already commandeered school security guard forces to gain access to the schools’ TP supplies.

El Presidente ordered his Head Henchman, William Barr, to make TP Policing the Justice Department’s top priority prosecuting every American corporation that dared not cooperate with the “TP Search & Seizure Executive Order.”


Leaked White House plans show prototype rolls “rewrapped” … without additional charge to consumers …  as “COVID-19-MAGA-RED-WRAP-ROLLS.”  MAGA Reds will soon hit store shelves … from the Atlantic to the Pacific … from Canada to Mexico.

Talk about televised “Prime Time Rallies” … plans for each rally call for “Trump MAGA Roll Lobs” into his rabidly screaming crowds.

When asked about the efficacy of “Safe Social Distancing” at Trump Rallies … one merry rally goer shouted … “The onliest ‘F’ I know is ‘F**k COVID-19’ … Ah got mah own MAGA Red TP … signed by thu ‘Man hizzelf … what else do ah need?’”

It reeks of Ratings!


Just sayin’ …

3 thoughts on “PSST! … Wanna know where all the toilet paper went?

  1. Seriously plausible, Herr Huss.
    Now it’s time to put that seriously absurd mind of yours to work on how those of us who don’t have great-grandma’s old peddle-powered Singer sewing machine tucked away the hall closet – let alone a spool of therat – can start making our own COVID-19 masks….
    I tried to BUY some on Amazon but the going price for a box of ten masks is just a smidgen higher than the sticker price on a 2020 Rolls Royce Phantom….We need a Hussian solution!

  2. a semi-wise person once shared with me her belief that there are two kinds of people: crumplers and folders. did you just disclose?

    just something absurd to think about for a few seconds

  3. You’re suddenly reminding me of the lost verse from, “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”

    Where has all the TP gone?

Comments are closed.