Monthly Archives: May 2020

Pandemic Ads … and a Huge WTF?

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I’m sorry … but if I hear one more US company lecture me in their TV spot that “We’re all in this together” … AND “We’ve got your back” … I’m gonna “Full Elvis” my TV.

Blam-blam-blam … right thru the flat screen!

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There’re lots of reasons I want this pile of “pandem-ic-shit” to end.

Number One is … the end of 1,000’s of deaths … then there’s our own “Special-Needs-Waddling-Kinda-Talking-Covid-19” Donald Trump Pet haunting us 24-7.

The possibility that our Hydroxi-Moron-in-Chief has no idea of what to do or the will to defeat this “Silent Enemy” is another.

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But, please Clio Gods of the advertising world … spare us the daily MadAve horse hockey dump!

Telling us “we’re all in this together” is blatant hypocrisy … especially if we’re pushed to use our personally stamped Donald Trump Pandemic Relief Check toward the purchase of your 2020 Kia Sorrento.

At this point, I’d rather subject myself to those ASPCA tortured puppy ads … brought to me by that heart breaker … Sarah MacLachlan … than face the totally specious COVID-19 messages trotted in front of me by auto manufacturers … and that Blue Bear Family wiping their fuzzy asses with super soft Charmin … who also BTW claim to have my “Back-Side.”

Don’t get me wrong … I got nothing against Kia … and in fact I kinda like fuzzy bears.  But tying them to this C-19 nightmare … and telling me “we’re all in this together?”

C’mon, Man!

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If it’s not the ads … every day we’re reminded by the pundits “We’re in uncharted waters” … but the closest water near me is my backyard pool … and I’m pretty sure it’s charted … at least for tax purposes.

If that’s not a problem … we’re also told “We’re facing a tsunami” … and the recovery won’t be some “V-shaped quick-fix chart” … but a rather long-slow-up-and-down-recurring-problem-mapping-will-this-ever-end-mega-situation.

Then here’s the killer … “Don’t Touch Your Face!”

According to medical researchers … on average I probably touch my face 16X per hour.  Given I have the attention span of a gnat … I’m sure I’m off the chart on that “touch scale.”

So let’s settle on 20X … which would be 480X a day.

My reaction?  It’s gotta be way more than that!

So I sure hope they’re right that wearing a mask actually keeps your from touching your face … ’cause I need “biggly” help!

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Where will all this end?

I actually miss the drug ads with their “you could die” side effects … the most hated insurance company spots … Progressive and Flo … Geico and their Aussie Lizard … and that stupid-f**king-image-pecking-Emu from Liberty Mutual!

Just sayin’ …

Fauci & Birx … in talks to return for your viewing pleasure

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As soon as Tony Fauci and Debi Birx heard the White House pulled the plug on “The Donald Showcases COVID-19” … they entered into high level discussions of their own to launch a science based new “docu-series” … “Pandemic Rapid Response: Fauci & Birx.”

According to a major network … Fauci & Birx made themselves available when the Donald Trump Coronovirius Task Force released them from their daily appearance obligations … known in The West Wing circles as “The Donald Beats COVID-19 Staged Show.”

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A West Wing spokes person refused to point to the show’s ratings free fall as the reason it was canceled.  The fact that viewership crashed right after The Donald started hogging the spotlight with his “mega-pearances” was also denied.

The anonymous source blamed the two doctors indicating “they just simply didn’t have the star power needed to keep pace with The Donald’s demands.”

According to The Donald … he wants a more dynamic-duo to move into the Fauci/Birx vacant slot … Drs. Phil & Oz are rumored “to have that inside track!”

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The Fauci/Birx new docu-series format will showcase C-19 “Hotspots” throughout the US.

Given the COVID cases recently infecting two White House staffers and nary a mask to be found in the West Wing … the show’s premier might feature the Offal Office.

Fauci and Birx assure viewers that real science and fact based evidence will form the basis for each show.  We won’t take our material from use of infrared lights shoved up patient’s butts … Clorox Cocktails … Voodoo, Witch Doctors … or the now infamous “Plandemic video” … exposed on the Internet as “Fake Medicine.”

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Cameo appearances by some of TV’s most loved doctors will add star power to the Docu-series.

Scheduled for the first show is Hugh Laurie … of “House” fame … recreating his role as an acerbic infectious disease expert whose brutal honesty and antisocial tendencies make it hard to determine medical truth from fiction!

Look for stars from other highly rated “TV Doc Shows” to beg their own cameo appearances.

Hmmm … maybe shows like “Doogie Howser” … “Doctor Who” …  and, the eternal “General Hospital?”

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Word behind the scenes is that Tony and Debi will also schedule “real-life docs” based on their own years of successful hand-to-hand-combat in the infectious disease field.

This could be a “case where truth is stranger than fiction” … if it only could be our reality!

Just sayin’ …

Trumphernalia Gone Wild

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We all know that Trump L-O-V-E-S to put his name on virtually everything that doesn’t move … and on some things that do.

But there are some seriously absurd “Trumphernalia” we’ve found that we could NOT believe and we just had to share them with you.

So here are some of our faves …

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“The Jesse James Collection – 45’s for the 45th” … stainless steel, hand tooled engraved with Trumphernalia … 24 karat gold plating and wood inlay from one of George Washington’s original chestnut trees.

James … a Celebrity Apprentice Reality Star was quoted … “I hope he uses it as a negotiation tool … you know, just casually pull it out and lay it on the desk, ‘Have you seen my Jesse James pistol?’”

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“The Donald Trump blow up sex doll” … created by Syrian-born artist Saint Hoax in response to Trump’s threat to deport all Syrian refugees coming to the US.

According to Saint Hoax … proceeds from his Donald Trump Sex Doll will be used for emergency relief for Syrian refugees stranded throughout the world.

BTW … it’s life size … complete with itty-bitty appendages … and like him it’s cheap … at only $39.

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Presidential Commemorative Medals … in sheer numbers, Trump has made a mockery of Presidential Medals for sale through the White House Gift Shop.

Like the raving narcissist he is, he’s prone to commemorate all his acts … even each time he takes a dump!

One of the recent Com-Medals offered depicts the Trump impeachment trial … though it prominently emphasizes the words “Acquitted” and “Exonerated.”

Prospective buyers are urged to … “Commemorate the acquittal of President Donald Trump from all impeachment charges with this blazing medal of gleaming silver.”

After you’ve puked your breakfast … you might want to use your Master Card to purchase his latest Com-Medal … issued just a few days ago extolling Trump’s latest political win … his victory over Coronovirus!

This medal absurdly celebrates Trump’s “heroic victorious efforts to fight coronovirus” … which still numbers 30,000 +/- new cases daily and kills approximately 2,000 US souls every day.

I can hear him now shouting Mussolini-like from the White House balcony … “Cheer up … we got ‘em right where we want ‘em!

“Are you tired of winning yet?”

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Just sayin’ …