Oh S**t … it’s October again!

According to TS Eliot, April’s the cruelest month … but that’s just not true.

It’s got to be October … October’s the worst … the horrible-est … and has no redemptive value whatsoever!

It’s not because October is the harbinger of winter and all the leaves put on their last great show before a barren nothingness.

It’s not even wondering what a “Covid Trick-or-Treat” would be like.

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Instead it’s all about the invasion of “THE PUMPKIN FLAVANOIDS” … those pumpkin infused products mad-food-scientists spent another year in the top secret labs of “Big Food” developing for us to shove down our gullets!

We were happy with pumpkin flavored coffee … the first of the “Hey-let’s-add-pumpkin-to-that-and-see-if-they’ll-buy-it!” products.

Now you face a landslide of pumpkin flavored offerings … all waving their little burnt orange hands and yelling … “Pick me!  Pick me!”

It’s gotten so bad I’ve developed an emotional allergy to pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread.

I don’t give a shit if it’s from your great-great grandma’s recipe … back when she carted the damn squash from her own patch, grown from last year’s seeds … baked in the oven of a wood burning stove … “before she had ‘lectricity!”

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Lest you think I’m hyperbolating … take a quick look at what some of the pumpkin-crazed-squash-pushers foist on us.

The “I-gotta-have-this-underarm-squash-smell” … yes, you too can smell like the sweetest “pumpkin-in-the-patch” when you slather your pits with “All Natural Pumpkin Spice Latte” deodorant.

“Pumpkin Spice Fish Bait” … your man can “go pro” when he enters his next bass tournament using these pumpkin spice soaked lures … according to fishermen, “It drives those lunkers crazy!”

For the “Phideaux” in your upscale life style … make him sit and “beg” for his own “Pumpkin Cheesecake Dog Biscuits” … woof, woof, my ass!

For those of you who have a dominant Willy Wonka gene … hunt down the  latest M&M seasonal offering … the “Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M” … allegedly the nirvana for “Everyman Chocolate.”  Reported last seen on Target shelves …  “Cheap-Chocolate-Stalkers” claim it’s a “creamy coffee/mocha combo mouth blaster!”

OMG … we won WWll feeding our GI’s 150 million pounds of SPAM … what would they think if they opened that can and chomped down on “Pumpkin Spiced SPAM?”

The real junk-food-junkies … the “Twinkie Set” … enjoy their special 20-year-shelf-life-puffy-log filled with creamy pumpkin spice filling.

And for those of us who still like to wander around in an alcohol stupor … grab a bottle of one of the 20-or-so pumpkin spice vodkas … or my personal fave … Captain Morgan’s “Jack-O-Blast Rum.”

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But, the bottom line in all this … I don’t care how you dress it up … it’s still nuthin’ but a squash.

Just sayin’ …

16 thoughts on “Oh S**t … it’s October again!

  1. Weel done Richard! You NAILED IT! A trip to Publix or WInn DIxie these days is like a pumpkin-ized versiosn of the 1978 flick called “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
    It’s DRIVING ME OUTTA MY GOURD!

    TeeL

    • Teel … thanks for reading … you’re the only guy I know who can work into a 35 word paragraph separate references to two competing super markets … 2 vegetables and a fruit … and a 42 year old cult horror movie … Sure am glad you’re on my team … HUSS

    • Hi Mike … thanks for reading … it was a coin toss between “hyperbolating” and “bloviating” … I’m not sure whether “hyperbolating” won or lost the coin toss …

      Don’t know Kai Ryssdal … any relation to Thor Hyerdahl (sp) and sailing the Kon Tiki raft? HUSS

    • Hi Lynn … wouldn’t life be great if the proper “dose” of Pepper Ridge Farm Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Swirl bread could cure COVID? It would sure save us a ton of money and angst!

      Thanks for reading …

  2. Great-great grandma? You must be younger than I, don Ricardo. My great nana grew her own pumpkins and cooked them on a wood stove.
    Thanks for the lightness of this piece amid all the darkness of October 2020.

    • Hi Lee … Thanks for reading … I never could keep all those family tree “greats” straight … I do remember asking her … “Aunt Maida, “Just why are you so “great?” I think that’s why she liked me best of the nieces/nephews … I always just blurted out what was on my mind … still kinda do that now.

  3. Come on, now. Pumpkin Spice flavor/aroma is not the taste of pumpkin. It’s the taste of the cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and ginger that Grandmother and I add to the bland mashed pumpkin flesh to give it that sine qua non bouquet.

    • Yep, Marian you’re right … I actually tried to cook pumpkin … once! What a chore to make something taste palatable … I never once used “sine qua non” … they musta been out of it at Publix then!

      Thanks for reading and commenting … it’s fun “playing words” with you … HUSS

    • OMG Nancy … you broke the code and turned my “Pumpkin Spice Rant” into just another mundane take down of “The Orange One.” Freud is spinning in his grave he’s so proud of you … The man has oozed into all facets of our lives! Aargh … but thanks for reading and I always enjoy your comments … HUSS

    • Thanks, Debi … glad I had my special pumpkin hammer and pumpkin nail available for the nailing! What a country … if we can make money off it … then by damn we’ll do it! 10 years ago a pumpkin was still nothing but a squash … now it’s a multi-billion dollar capitalist enterprise …

      Now we’re off to see how many ways we can play with turkey!

  4. Hey, Jeanne … I’ve been called worse! Thanks for the compliment … it’s tuff being silly in this environment and the gods know we need it! Thanks for reading and understanding how important it is to be “silly.”
    The Great Pumpkin Spice gods love you …

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