The TV Screamer’s Hit List

When I was younger and knew much less than I now know, I yelled at the TV only during football games.

I was thrilled to learn (while I was younger) that Elvis … my only true singer idol … would plug his TV with a .45 caliber handgun whenever he was perturbed by a particular program.

That was balls out cool and known as “Elvising your TV!”

I guess other folks who had handguns and enough money to readily replace their TVs followed Elvis’ lead in expressing their disgust, because it was quite “the thing” for a while.

Now I’ve added my own personal “TV screamer’s hit list.”

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FOX News because of its boiling cesspool of arrogant ignorance … eternal grievance and pretend outrage … death inducing anti-vax advice guaranteed to kill at least some of its clueless viewers … and last-but-not-least, Tucker Carlson’s smug-trust-fund-I’m-so-so-superior-to-you idiots supercilious smile.

I’ve also included Morning Joe because of Joe’s garage-band-pompadour.

CNN because there can’t be that much “Breaking News.”

Jim Cramer because he needs to lose the rolled up long sleeved shirt look.

Local news because I’m tired of car wrecks, armed robberies and shootings, not to mention Amber Alerts, Silver Alerts and Emergency Test broadcasts with horrific ear crushing claxons that scare the bejesus out of me.

All Geico commercials because when all is said and done, he’s still just a lizard.

National auto commercials because they all drive the same roads to emotional and sexual freedom.

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I want them to bring back that “Beer Guy” … the Most Interesting Man in the World, or whoever he was … Mr. Dos Equis.

I love local car commercials with talking dogs, bratty kids and women dressed in tight dresses who shouldn’t be dressed in tight dresses.

I’m intrigued by buying a car with that vending machine … Carvana.  They should bring back Joe Izusu even if they don’t make that car model anymore.

All medical-drug-pharmaceutical commercials need to be video only … no sound … except when they list all the horrible things that could happen if/when you use the drug … then they all need to end the ad with one question: “Are you really sure you want to ingest or rub this s**t on your body?”

All the SPCA ads need to be junked.  Or, they need to do a minute on the F**kers who have done that to their animals making sure we have their address and phone number … maybe we need to register them like we do child molesters.

I do miss Alex Trebek … and am glad Aaron Rodgers … that narcissistic, arrogant Green Bay quarterback will not be his replacement.

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A-a-ah … I feel so much lighter and righter … who needs a gun?  I can safely say my TV’s no longer on Death Row!

Just sayin’ …

10 thoughts on “The TV Screamer’s Hit List

  1. Augie is very worried that your disrespectful comments about Aaron Rodgers will negatively impact your relationship with his mom (a native born cheesehead).
    Just sayin’…

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