“As De-Worm Turns”

A horse of another color trotted across the Far Side Pasture, leaned over the fence, and whispered to a decidedly ordinary cow, “You heard the latest?”

“Latest what?” said the cow as she contentedly chewed her cud wishing she could dump her latest milk load on the Carnation Condensed Milk people.

“It’s all over the news,” said the horse stamping his hoof mimicking his TV idol Mr. Ed, as he struggled to count to three.

“Even the Fox News Big Shits are screamin’ about it.  That’s right! I’m talkin’ the Ingram-Hannity-Carlson-Tri-Namic-Trio of lyin’ Cretins.

“Seems that the Mississi-slippi South’s risin’ agin.’  Those Huckleberries’re suckin’ down major loads of our worm medicine … Invermectin.

“Musta read about it on ‘The Line’ … and, now everyone’s usin’ it as a surefire cure for the COVID!

“You heard about it here first … from me … at Bill ‘Old Reilly’s Early Retirement Farm!’”


Info from Seriously Absurd farmland field reporters indicate that Invermectin use by “Trumpworld Designer COVID Death Drugs du Jour” has already emptied shelves in neighborhood feed stores and tractor outlets … and forced the FDA to issue a special warning:

Folks … you’re not a cow … you’re not a horse …  Invermectin is NOT safe to treat COVID.

It did not specify whether you were a horse’s ass … or maybe just an ass!


It seems the anti-vaxers of our nation have abandoned the “Tried and Untrue” light bulb up-the-ass, self-induced-hemorrhoidectomy.

Plus they’ve vomited up all the hydroxychloroquine along with most of their stomach lining.

So, the only way for Trumpers to maintain their patriotic anti-vaxer cred is to swallow large quantities of a de-wormer which could cause dizziness, seizures and confusion … apparently no biggies for MAGA Hatters.

But other side affects like sudden drops in blood pressure, hepatitis and a yearning for gravy on French fries could be a tad more concerning.


According to one Mississippian farmer, who only gave us his first name … “Dell” … “Ah ain’t puttin’ that damn vaccine in mah ahrm whinst I don’t know what it is that’s in it!  Cain’t trust the damn gubmint.

“But I read that there label on that ‘ivecto-mo-cidal’ stuff so ah know what it is ahm a swallowin’ … it’s got that there STROMECTOL which is the killin’ stuff …  along with a bunch of other dead stuff … and some citric acid … which comes from mah oranges I grow right here in Mississippi.

“And that’s pure vitamin C!”

Folks … this is where we discover there’s no helping stupid!


But if you really want to know what’s safe to use for COVID … avoid anything  approved by a celebrity chef, huckster TV preacher … or that pillow guy currently being sued in numerous courts and that ex-president “you-know-who” … and go get your damn vaccine!

Just sayin’ …

Coffee … Tea … or Come Fight with Me!

Seriously Absurd has heard airlines are canceling in-flight TV and movies.  According to one airline source, their company is saving millions of dollars by no longer offering these entertainment options.

When pressed on what passengers would do for entertainment, our source revealed their company is now providing live assault-and-battery events pitting passengers against their flight crews.

After several frustrating months of ever increasing unruly flyers, airlines have discovered that passengers actually look forward to these “In-flight fights.”

When asked directly, one passenger said, “I don’t care where I’m going.  I just fly to see what happens while I’m getting there.  I’m looking forward to my own first “Mile-High-Flight-Fight” … I don’t think the crew members should get all the fun.”


In an effort to combat customer frustration over 60% cancellation rates, Spirit Airlines has started promoting a “Fights-In-Flight” fight card on their routes from Florida cities to both New York and Philadelphia.

According to one anonymous Spirit exec, “Our research showed that both male and female passengers who lived in Florida and are flying to Philly or The Big Apple have a 63.5% greater likelihood of belligerent behavior than any of our other passengers.”

When queried by Seriously Absurd field writers, major air haulers declined to discuss the rumors that they had plans drawn for “Fights-In-Flight” that would involve food or using the saw toothed plastic cutlery provided with meals.


The motivation behind this bold move for live in-flight entertainment is simple.  The escalation of altercations creates an opportunity for financially stressed airlines to recoup losses brought on by the Pandemic.

Plus, unlike Road Ragers, “Air Ragers” have no real outlet for their anger.  They’re usually strapped into torture chamber seats too small for their wide-body assets …  have no control over their speed … have no means to aggressively cut-off other Air Ragers … and can’t flip ‘em the bird as they pass by!

What’s a pissed-off traveler to do when the only official in a uniform is a flight attendant … and usually a female?


Flight crew members aren’t waiting for the FAA and the courts to handle what they call “a rash of Airholes.”

One female flight attendant, known as “Take ‘em down Annie,” says, “I’m ready!  One flat heel-of-the-hand shot to the bridge of his nose and that dumb F**ker’s got sinus drainage for the rest of his life!  On my flights … it’s Mask up … Sit up … and Shut up!”

Fly the friendly skies, anyone?  Just sayin’ …