Seriously Absurd has heard airlines are canceling in-flight TV and movies. According to one airline source, their company is saving millions of dollars by no longer offering these entertainment options.
When pressed on what passengers would do for entertainment, our source revealed their company is now providing live assault-and-battery events pitting passengers against their flight crews.
After several frustrating months of ever increasing unruly flyers, airlines have discovered that passengers actually look forward to these “In-flight fights.”
When asked directly, one passenger said, “I don’t care where I’m going. I just fly to see what happens while I’m getting there. I’m looking forward to my own first “Mile-High-Flight-Fight” … I don’t think the crew members should get all the fun.”
In an effort to combat customer frustration over 60% cancellation rates, Spirit Airlines has started promoting a “Fights-In-Flight” fight card on their routes from Florida cities to both New York and Philadelphia.
According to one anonymous Spirit exec, “Our research showed that both male and female passengers who lived in Florida and are flying to Philly or The Big Apple have a 63.5% greater likelihood of belligerent behavior than any of our other passengers.”
When queried by Seriously Absurd field writers, major air haulers declined to discuss the rumors that they had plans drawn for “Fights-In-Flight” that would involve food or using the saw toothed plastic cutlery provided with meals.
The motivation behind this bold move for live in-flight entertainment is simple. The escalation of altercations creates an opportunity for financially stressed airlines to recoup losses brought on by the Pandemic.
Plus, unlike Road Ragers, “Air Ragers” have no real outlet for their anger. They’re usually strapped into torture chamber seats too small for their wide-body assets … have no control over their speed … have no means to aggressively cut-off other Air Ragers … and can’t flip ‘em the bird as they pass by!
What’s a pissed-off traveler to do when the only official in a uniform is a flight attendant … and usually a female?
Flight crew members aren’t waiting for the FAA and the courts to handle what they call “a rash of Airholes.”
One female flight attendant, known as “Take ‘em down Annie,” says, “I’m ready! One flat heel-of-the-hand shot to the bridge of his nose and that dumb F**ker’s got sinus drainage for the rest of his life! On my flights … it’s Mask up … Sit up … and Shut up!”
Fly the friendly skies, anyone? Just sayin’ …