The Martha Stewart Guide to Prison Life

According to an ABC news report, over 75 women have been arrested for their participation in the Jan 6 Capitol Insurrection.

Of those women, blonde North Texas Realtor, Jennifer Ryan, is making the most headlines thanks to her over-the-top assertion that her blonde hair, good looks, successful real estate business, and white skin would be her “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card.

Yes … she really said it!  Plus, she added … “No prison time for me,” as she bragged to the media!

Oops … not so fast, Jennifer! Thanks to a far from amused judge, it’s the Klinker for you. Maybe this is the best blonde joke of forever … and it’s on you!


Now that you’re convicted of the crime … and you have serve the time … my friend and ex-con Martha Stewart’s got some sage (pun intended) advice for you!

Yes, folks … That Martha … the doyenne of anything not essential … but you must possess if you want to enjoy life.

If this sounds contradictory, don’t whine at me!

Martha’s the one who’s the Mistress of candles made from wild doe ear wax … Thanksgiving turkey delivered fresh from the prairies of Wyoming mercifully dispatched from this life without pain or suffering … pumpkins grown from seeds salvaged from the volcanic ash ruins of Pompeii … and now baked in your pie!

All I ask is … “Why can’t you settle for Libby’s canned pumpkin pie mix … and an effing Butterball?”

You … dear reader might also ask … “What’s all that have to do with Jennifer?”


Huh … it’s as simple as the bobbed nose on Jennifer’s face … and the many-times-worked-over-visage of Martha’s face.

Martha did the time for her crime … six months in what’s known as “Camp Cupcake,” aka Alderson Federal Prison Camp … and she’s got some pointers for Jennifer … our newly minted whining, sniveling, soon to be ex-Realtor from Tex-ass!

And Seriously Absurd has the scoop on what’s in the first edition of “Martha’s How to Get Along with Prison Skanks … Survival tips for living without fear while behind bars!”


#1 … “Make the food line servers your BFF’s … no one wants effluvial statements of distaste lodged in their already truly rotten food.  By day three, I learned that she who handles my food is … for sure … my BFF!”

#2 … “Puff up your prison uniform … don’t look schlumpy … but avoid ostentatious pretensions like frivolous ribbons and large noticeable buttons.”  (This advice also went to Felicity Huffman, who did the time for her stupid crime!)

#3 … “Become one with your cell … under no circumstances ask that it be repainted … and for God’s sake, never ask … Could you clean it for me?”

#4 … “Under no circumstances should a copy of ‘Architectural Digest,’ any celebrity chef’s ‘zine, or ‘Elle’ be seen in your cell.  Even ‘Redbook’” could be dangerous … think primitive … trash romances with cover photos featuring torn clothing and unsightly amounts of skin.”

#5 … “”Ma’am” is the most important word you’ll ever use … as in ‘Yes, Ma’am, please’ or, an occasional ‘No, Ma’am, thank you.’  Remember, you simply can’t over-Ma’am!”


Martha served six months in “Camp Cupcake.”  Jennifer “The Tex-ass Realtor Whiner” will serve only two.

And Martha even whined … to Katie Couric saying, “…. no one … no one… should have to go through that kind of indignity, really, except for murderers … It’s a very, very awful thing.”

Aw, c’mon Martha … murderers only?  It can’t tax your brain to come up with a list of folks who deserve to be taught a penal lesson or two.

What about wife beaters?  Child molesters?  Scammers who financially ruin people?  Politicians who think they’re above the law?

C’mon Martha … when you left Camp Cupcake … you boarded your private jet bound for your 200+ acre shanty in Bedford, NY.

Just sayin’ …