Lucifer backs the meatless movement … Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

The meatless gangs … nee Vegans …  roaming amongst us sure have created a maelstrom of negativity.

I’ll spare you all the “Vegan Facts” like better for the environment … better for your own health … better for the animals in our food chain … and it tastes good, too.

But there’s one group of folks who are literally in a state of near riot over the recent spate of meatless products.

They’re not a bunch of cattle driving, calf branding cowboys shooting up the sheep herders to preserve their way of life in the now Less-Wilder-New-Old West!

Nope … we’re dealing with Evangelical Christians who believe in their fundamental heart-of-hearts that not eating meat is the equivalent of the eighth deadliest sin.

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Enter stage left … oops … scrap that … enter stage right.

He would be Right Wing Pastor … “The Rev of the Political Right” … “The Get Right with Christ” TV Host for those believers who pray with hands glued to their flat screens … the host of his own TruNews Wednesday night broadcasts … the pastor of Flowing Streams Church in Vero Beach, Flori-duh … Rick Wiles.

Wiles “steaks out” his position:  Meatless meat is a “Luciferian plot to get people to fall from God’s graces.”

Corporations will soon be selling nothing but plants denying you God’s natural creation … be it Bossie or Ferdinand on-the-hoof … the Little Red Hen … Bo Beep’s sheep shank … or one of the Three Little Pigs.

And when you partake of the plant based food foisted on you that looks, smells,  and tastes like meat … you’re headed right down the path of sin … batta-boom-batta-bing … the slippery slope to Hell.

In other words … Wiles believes “manufactured meats” are the 21st century version of the new “gateway drug.”

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When you buy this “fake meat” you’ve entered the nightmare world of corporations who “play God” and feed you only what’s “grown in their own laboratories.”

These godless corporations want to “bring more people to Satan.”  For what purpose?

According to Wiles’ theory … if you can call it “theory” … when you eat lab grown plants, your DNA is changed … and overtime you’ll become subhuman.  Because you’re no longer human, you are no longer “eligible” for Jesus’ salvation.

And since you can’t be saved … you ain’t headed to heaven to sit at the right hand of God!

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Holy shit … since I’m neither Vegan nor am I Christian … my theory is that I’m “saved.”

I’ll drink to that … pass the vodka, please!

Just sayin’ …

Lady Liberty Joins the “Me Too” Movement

When he who shall remain nameless as well as brainless heard there was actually a poetic plea attached to the Statue of Liberty which welcomed poor people of all races to our shores … he was shocked and revolted.

So our pea brained Imposter President immediately ordered his newest Acting-Whatever … Ken Cuccinelli … his latest WWWHWSA … West Wing White House White Supremacy Advisor … to cleanse the poem and rewrite history.

Responding as only the newest West Wing lap dog could … “Cucch” promptly teamed up with Herr Stephen Miller … aka the Exalted Cyclops of the local White House Klan …  who also serves in the capacity of the “White House White Supremacy Laureate.”

Their goal?

To rewrite the world renown Emma Lazarus poetry, “The New Colossus” creating … “The Newer Colossus.”

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Lazarus’ original work …

The New Colossus

“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land,

Here at our sea-washed, sun-set gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles.  From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome, her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips.  “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

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The Newer Colossus

“Like a brazen giant of Nordic shame,

With PED enhanced limbs stretched from land to land,

Here at the polluted Hudson, behind locked gates shall stand,

An orange-tanned white male with a torch, whose flame shines

From his coiffed comb-over, and his name is Grand

Perpetrator of White Supremacy.  From his beacon-hand

Burns hate, fear, and contempt, his beady eyes defend

The oil-slicked harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries he

With pouty lips.  Give me your Danes, your Swedes,

Your Norwegian masses yearning to be Americans free

To hate wretched Browns and Blacks on our teeming shores.

So send the shapely-assed, the hugely-breasted,

I’ll fondle their “nethers” behind my golden doors.”

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It could be worse … but I don’t know how.

Just sayin’ …

Magic Juice … or rocket fuel for lemmings?

 

We live in an alternative-fact, post-truth era.

Nothing incites our National League of Health Lemmings to dive over the cliff of wellbeing more than the latest non-science non-thinking nonsense of a Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed star-based pseudo-health recommendation.

It’s one thing to attack my bacon, eggs, cheese, red meat, if-I-can’t-pronounce-it-don’t-eat-it, daily requirement diet based on limiting those calories, and by-God-never-letting-butter-touch-my-lips.

But it’s quite another to tell me that all my ills, ails, blockages, and flatulence will disappear while consuming one simple food item.

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Where else … other than LA … would this claim to be a super food with super curative powers emanate?

The guru and perpetrator of this health fraud … oops, I mean “food” … Anthony William isn’t a certified nutritionist or medical doc … hold on to your seat … he  proclaims to be a “medical medium.”

C’mon man … he’s a “Fruit and Veggie Whisperer?”  Or, a “Root and Nut Conjurer?”

Get this … the dude goes on to say, “I’m not a graduate of anything.  I’ve just been doing this my whole life.”

Great … I’ve got nothing against being self-taught using your entire life experience.  But I’d feel a lot better if you were “doing this” for your whole life and you were in your 80’s!

Since you’re not even close to your 80’s … your claim of “lifetime experience” is a dubious strategy.

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If you want to hop on Gwyneth’s latest “health-wagon” … “eat your way to good health with one simple food”… just take a quick run to the produce section of your neighborhood supermarket.

You don’t even have to go to a Whole Foods/Amazon, Trader Joe’s, Lucky’s Market or any of the LA or Manhattan “star-laced-veggie-boutiques.”

You do need to know that in some of these more upscale urban areas where the 1% Lemmings hangout … you’ll probably pay a premium for this super food because “Gwyneth-Loving-Health-Wagon Hoarders” have created shortages.

This just shows you how Lemming-esque we are as a consumer group.

I mean … when’s the last time you reached for celery and the bin was empty?

Oops … my bad … now the Medical Medium’s big secret’s out … it’s celery juice!

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Good news … Maybe we’ll be talking more about Anthony William and his magical celery juice while my least BFF in the world, Gwyneth, slides into the La Brea Tar Pits.

Better news … I’m off to my vodka stash … I bet I can turn this celery s**t into a real health drink!

Sooo, sooo healthy I am!

Just sayin’ …

 

Tiny Reality Bites … At least in my case

I’ve had it with the debate season and lifelong campaign seasons.

We’re hopelessly stuck now that our “political season” has been taken over by Mr. Reality TV … the Orange Man …  that bloated whiner who once was the figment of my imagination and now is the reality of my nightmares.

I have this terrible urge to rid myself of all possessions … radicalize my life …  follow the “Yellow Brick Road” of HGTV … and start all over again.

I can’t handle it anymore … I think I want a “Tiny House.”

But … before I do the fifth most stupid thing in my life I have some questions.

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ARE TINY HOUSE PEOPLE REAL?

No one can be that happy.  Where’s all their stuff?

It’s un-American to not have a drawer dedicated to underwear!  You can’t cook if you own only one pot!  Where’s the 76” LED surround sound flat screen TV?

There needs to be a repeat visit.  I want to see their insipid smiling face two-and-a-half years after their TV appearance.

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WHERE’S YOUR ALCOHOL STORED?

C’mon, Man!  You can’t be drinking just one bottle of wine … one liter of vodka.

Where’re the mixers?  No Scotch, bourbon, Compari, Goslings?

Whatta you drink from … a Flintstone jelly glass?

>No way there’s an icemaker in that Tiny House tinier fridge!

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WHAT ABOUT … “THE FACILITIES?”

As a guy, there’re lots of times I can “go outside” when Old Lady Nature calls.

But I like toilet space … it’s not my cuppa tea to be able to s**t and shave without having to get up and move … call me spoiled!

And sorry … I’m just not into a “compost toilet” … flush that s**t right outta my life … pull the chain and away it goes to be processed far-far-away … from me!

WASHER & DRYER?

Sorry Tiny House folks … I no longer do Laundromats! Gave up that trip when I got my college degree … thought that was one of the top “perks” from my education.

Right on the back of the diploma it was stamped … “No More Laundromats Ever!”

And I’m not sure I can handle washing/drying my dirty laundry one-item-at-a-time!

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I know life moves forward in cycles … what goes around comes around … history repeats itself … besides the very first place I lived could’ve been a Tiny House instead of what I called it … “THE DUMP.”

Just sayin’ …

The New Trumpistory … History Gone Awry

On a July 4, 2019 stormy muggy evening at an outdoor national picnic staged at the feet of Abe Lincoln … our “current-genital-grabbing-Liar-and-Cheater-in-Chief-No Collusion/No Obstruction-you-can’t-make-this-shit-up-White-House-resident” painted a picture of our heroic armed forces making liberal use of Kellyanne Conway’s “Alternative Facts.”

Facing a fritzed-out teleprompter in mid-speech …  forced to rely on his own stable genius cerebral capacities … our prone to bloviate leader launched into a rewrite of the War of 1812 telling the crowd that the US Air Force blasted the ramparts of Ft. McHenry driving the British from our shores thus … exhorting Francis Scott Key to write our wonderful national anthem … “The Star Spangled Banner.”

That speech … and a subsequent Presidential Order … gave birth to “A Trumpistory of US Military Encounters” … which is now a required course in all US high schools effective September 2019.

Seriously Absurd has obtained excerpts of this Shakespearian-Learesque-eye-of-the-newt-witches’-brew of two selected military encounters.

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“Remembering the Alamo” (April 25, 1846 – February 2, 1848) … now known as the “War for Rental Car Supremacy.”

Trumpistory reveals that our brave frontier soldiers withstood siege after siege from Mexicans driving their “beaters” … actually rented from “El Cheapo Auto Rentals of Mexico” … across our open Southern borders … dumping trunk loads of drugs and illegal aliens on US soil.

According to Trumpistory … “Some of them were murderers and rapists … some were not so bad … many became the Founding Fathers of MS13.

“But we beat them back and now lead the world in privately held rental car agencies.”

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The Spanish-American War (April 21-October 13, 1898) … Trumpistory tells us that American forces … captivated by the genius of the military marketing slogan, “Remember the Maine” … and recognizing the importance of Maine … rushed to protect “lobstah” traps off the shores of Maine with an impenetrable curtain of ICBM missiles.

Meanwhile, the Spanish stationed in Cuba … mostly interested in fύtbol and dancing with castanets … surrendered after only 10 weeks of combat … and gladly gave the US possession of Puerto Rico and Guam.

Trumpistory asserts that “Puerto Rico’s proven to be a not so hot investment … in spite of all the money I’ve given them… and we probably should give them back to Cuba.

“But Guam … if we can close down that military base … looks good as a site for a ‘Pacific Trump Tower.’”

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Who knows … if not for his pesky bone spurs … “Trumpistory” might have included the Viet Nam War.

Just sayin’ …

Just in from the Swamp: Madam Chao’s Supreme Proposal

McConnell family ties: June 4, 2019

Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao stunned fellow cabinet members …  husband Mitch McConnell … and the President this week.

Preferring to now be addressed as “Madam Chao,” she’s proposed that the US annex the Strait of Hormuz so she could control access and egress via her Department of Transportation.

She further proposed that her private family shipping business collect usage tolls … for a fee.

Just in case you haven’t been glued to cable TV/Trump news 24-7 because you spend your time watching Seinfeld reruns … the Strait of Hormuz is the strategic access waterway that opens the Persian Gulf to the rest of the world for five Middle East countries who refuse to play nice together … Iran, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Oman and what’s left of Iraq.

Think “Lucrative Water Toll-way!”

Hey … if the President can use our Treasury as his personal hotel-golf-spa-resort cash pipeline, then why can’t Madam Chao … aka “Bitch McConnell” … feed the McConnell-Chao coffers from the Department of Transportation?

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As an integral part of her “land grab and waterway transport scheme,” Madam Chao recognized that no country in the world has illegally deprived more native land owners of their property rights than the United States.

Manhattan cost us $24 worth of glass beads!  We’ve proven we can take whatever we want … even this bit of salt water.

All Cabinet members … acting and real … voiced their endorsement of Madam Chao’s right to be called “Madam” … while all “remained as silent as Mary’s little lambs” about her Hormuz venture.

On the final page of her 448 page Mueller-length proposal … riddled with obtuse fine print footnotes ensuring no one would read it … a clause grants Trump Enterprises sufficient waterfront property for the erection of a Trump Tower in each country on the shores of the Strait.”

When asked about this clause, Madam Chao threatened to primary the offending Senator guaranteeing the end of his tenure as the leading-pimple-on-the-ass-of-her-progress.”

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In a 4 AM Tweet, Trump lauded Madam Chao and demanded the president of war torn Yemen nominate her for a Nobel Peace Prize “for her efforts to bring everlasting peace and stability to the Middle East.”

Trump added … “This is exactly what I expect of my Cabinet … use their power to line their own pockets with other peoples’ money.

“I’m sure Madam Chao will find a little something extra under Melania’s White House Xmas trees this year.”

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Back in Lexington, hubby Mitch finished the final details of his own grand scheme … relocating Russian natural gas and aluminum companies to Kentucky … for a fee.

Just sayin’ …

Cereal Killers, Anyone?

I’ve decided that the best source for our political news nowadays is a digital stroll through Dr. Google’s cereal aisle searching … “political humor cereal.”

Most of the political news and problems we face today can be analyzed, understood and quite possibly resolved if we were to carefully study political cereals.

To hell with civics … screw history … fugedabout poli sci … open your mind to the world’s best literature … and flip-the-bird to the nutrition information that’s poisoned your brain.

Political cereals hold the answer to all our questions … and to the questions we’ve never ever even dreamed about.

Fix yourself a cocktail, kick-off your shoes and settle in for a good reading session.

It ain’t just Corn Flakes anymore, folks!

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Name your political party … choose your candidate … don’t limit yourself to General Bullmoose’s US of A.  Cereal boxes promote political faces and positions from all over the world.

Well … not Idi Amin … but definitely the Royals, Saudis, the French, and other world influencers who all have their own cereal lines.

Be sure to check out the current Cap’n Trump … or Trumpies … or my faves, Grope Nuts with you-know-who’s orangey face on the box.  Then there’s the old standby for you “flake holdouts” … Trump Flakes which offer a written promise to be “really, really rich in nutrients.”

Just so I’m not accused of single party bias … you have to try a box of Prix … the cereal for Silly Liberals…not Silly Rabbits.

Instead of their trademark rabbit,” Prix features head shots of Teddy “Yes-I’m-dead-but-I-still-scare-Right-Wing-Nuts” Kennedy, Nancy “I’ve-got-Trump’s-Nuts-in-my-iron-fist” Pelosi and Hillary “I-can’t-believe-he-still-talks-about-me” Clinton … hawking their Prix “liberally sugar coated bulls**t puffs” … which “come with more taxes” … and “free stem cells inside!”

And … you won’t believe what Obama O’s had to offer … “Hope in every bowl!”  Or McCain-i-O’s … going after the Evangelical vote … advertised “now with enriched Jesus stuff!”

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Breakfast cereals aren’t limiting themselves to politics only.

Rumors abound that the fastest growing genre in literature is “Cereal Box Lit.”  It’s perfect for people who don’t read, don’t have time to read, or are eternal ADHD sufferers.

Officials for the Nobel Prize in Literature allegedly are considering “C-B-L” as a new category for their prestigious prize.

To quote an anonymous Nobel source, “If we can recognize Bob Dylan as a ‘Literary Giant’ we can certainly give a hard look at Cereal Box Lit as a legitimate Nobel category.”

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What I know is … I really, really miss Euell Gibbons … Grape Nuts’ undisputed “King of Cereal Spokespeople.”

Just sayin’ …

The Checkout Trap … “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!”

I’d finished shopping … and was in a hurry to get home.

Only three “live cashiers” were open … all with lines that rivaled last chance sales on a Mega-Buck-Power-Ball-Night!

I made an executive decision and inched fearfully toward the dreaded … “Self-Check-Out-Lanes.”

How hard could it be?  After a few mishaps … I “became one with ATMs.”  Even we Luddites are trainable!

I pushed my cart up to a station.

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A way-too-loud-and-Rude-Robotic-Voice blared … “Please scan your first item.”

I started simple.

I scanned a can … a task millions of cashiers mastered with a flip of their wrist … smiling and chatting at the same time.

Swish went my can.

Immediately the Rude-Robotic-Voice barked … “Remove the item from the scanner” … I jumped and complied … what’s with this dude?

I grabbed my first produce item … gingerly placed it on the scanner.

I’m instructed to “Look up the item on the screen.”  Fortunately bananas are easy to spot … I touched the screen and removed the bananas before being chided for my tardiness.

Success was ephemeral … I was ordered to “Please re-scan your item” with the clear sub-textual implication … “You Effing Moron.”  I re-scanned it, quickly removing it before Herr Scanner went on a another rant.  The pressure was mounting …

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Sweat beaded up on my brow … I had three leeks banded together in a bunch.

They weren’t showing up on the screen.  I glanced around and noticed someone “swiping” their screen … it flipped to another page … I did that and voila … there’s a leek … I poked the screen.

Rude-Robot-Voice told me … “Enter the number of items.”

Well … there’re three leeks … but one bunch.  So I punched “3” and immediately saw I’d paid over eight dollars for my leeks.

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I looked around for the “Self-Checkout-Rescue-Agent” … but another surprise, surprise … no one was there to rescue me.

In fact, I saw three other pissed-off people in front of their Rude Robots punching buttons and receiving loud rude messages in return!

I made another executive decision … and finished my order.

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Instead of going home I headed over to “Customer Dis-Service” … and waited the mandatory 15 minutes.

My receipt fortunately decided to stay with me and not lose itself in whatever alien territory important receipts went … so I showed it to the human-type-person behind the counter.

She smiled … then reassured me I was not the only guy who overpaid for leeks … refunded my money and told me … “Have a good one!”

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I was much happier after human contact … though I’d never been able to figure out just what “Good One” I was supposed to have.

I didn’t ask her … I left with my leeks, money, personal contact … and in search of my own “Good One.”

Just sayin’ …

The dirtiest word … the “I-Word”

We all know there’s an Aderall-addicted-tantrum-prone-narcissistic-preschooler currently running the White House … but now we’ve sunk to a new low!

To placate this spooked apparition of a President, our elected officials … and non-news-pundits … have taken to using what they refer to as … the “I-Word!”

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Uh-oh … I flashback to a scene in my less than stellar days as a 5-year old.

My parents whispered about something I did … or did not do … and they didn’t want me to know what they were talking about.

They looked at each other … mom’s arms flapping exasperated … dad with his hands on his hips perplexed … me wondering what atrocity I’d committed and waiting to see whether I was sentenced to … No dessert … No playtime … My mouth washed out with soap … Or ideally, just sent to my room.

I vaguely recalled hearing … “He used the ‘S-Word.’”

The “S-Word” is one thing … but aren’t we adults now … or at least some of us?

What’s with this “I-Word” s**t?

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So I turned to the “new digital thesaurus-at-my-fingertips” … Dr. Google … and searched for words that begin with “I.”

Holy S-Word … there are 35,979 words that start with “I.”

I searched 4-letter words … which are my vocab strength … hoping I’d unearth the “I-Word” these erudite duly elected federal representatives were refusing to utter!

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The dirtiest 4-letter word I could find was “isba” … a “Russian log cabin.”

I’m kinda thinking that anything Russian could set off an early AM tweet-storm-rant-riot … but I don’t think “isba” is the I-Word of the day.

Immigration and infrastructure start with an “I” … and they both represent disastrous attempts at governance by our Liar-in-Chief.  Nope … not them.

Integrationist?  Nah … they would have used the “WS-Words” instead … “White Supremacist.”

I discounted “inalienable” because that’s a word that appears in our Declaration of Independence … a totally unfamiliar document to “His Ignorancy” … our President.

After an exhaustive run through the 35,979 I-Words, I hit on the one that seemed to fit our current situation.

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I-M-P-E-A-C-H-M-E-N-T … an 11-letter word that any middle or high school student who has completed Civics would know.

So how does our Leader of the Free World define the “I-Word?”  At a recent Press Gaggle he said, “It’s a dirty, filthy and disgusting word.”

Hmm … I’m thinking he was projecting his own behavior on this poor truly innocent I-Word.

Just sayin’ …

National Trump of July Party … “Hold that date!”

He couldn’t have his “toy soldier parade” … so he executed a hostile takeover of our national July 4th celebration … “Welcome to the Trump of July Party!”

You may soon know him as “Generalissimo Donaldo” … the guy who’s taking us below the level of an overripe-near-rotten Banana Republic … and maybe to the level of his much disrespected “S**t Hole Countries.”

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Surprisingly … D.C. taxpayers have been spared.

No tanks … armored vehicles … battalions of marching soldiers … trucks pulling long range missiles to prove El Donaldo’s red button’s bigger than Kim’s.

According to West Wingers … planning his “Trump-centered-biggest-ever-blowout-campaign-rally” has dragged El Donaldo away from binge watching cable news.

A recent screaming tweet from El Generalissimo himself … “Americans should “HOLD THE DATE!” on July 4 for a “Major fireworks display, entertainment and an address by your favorite President, me!”

What?  A speech from the Lincoln Memorial?  Poor Abe … his head’s gotta be spinning in his grave faster than Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist.”

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Meanwhile, Seriously Absurd has learned that …

A burgeoning new program at Georgetown School of Law … “US Political Felony Law” … plans an “in-the-field-seminar” at the rally so students can witness real-time violations in campaign finance … the emoluments clause … and obstruction of justice as a result of El Generalissimo’s participation in what has been an annual “kum ba yah” event for all Americans.

According to AG Bill “Yes-I-Kiss-His-Ass-Nightly” Barr … “We will declare Georgetown ineligible for any federal funding as soon as Generalissimo Donaldo tells us why!”

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Plus … George Sorros has reserved every available room at Trump’s D. C. International Hotel for the weekend … for a “Yuuge and Biggly Dem Rally!”

All current Democratic presidential candidates have been invited to attend and “work the crowd” at an “Elect (Fill-in-a-Nominee-Here) Rally” held in Trump’s pride … the hotel’s Benjamin Bar and Lounge.

According to Eric “Please-Please-Someone-Call-Me-as-a-Witness” Trump … “I’ve asked Dad to deploy US troops to seal off the Ben Bar.  If we can send 120,000 troops to kick Iran’s ass … I’m sure we can spare a coupla’ hundred to repel a few Demo-rats!”

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And this just in … Kim has loaned his personal binoculars for Donaldo’s observation of the “100% made in China fireworks” extravaganza.

Also … China’s Xi Jinping, aka … “I’m-President-for-Life-and-You’re-Not” … has offered to personally pay the 25% Trump Tariff War up-charge levied on the fireworks.

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It’s tough being “El Generalissimo” … with no respect!

Just sayin’ …