Hand Washing & Logic 101

Okay class … today we learn how to wash our hands.  Everyone … step-up to your sink and sing with me.

“This is the way we wash our hands,
Wash our hands, wash our hands.
This is the way we wash our hands
So early in the morning.”

Now let’s all shout out a great big “Thank you” to … Mother Goose!

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Even Sesame Street celebrates National Hand Washing Awareness Week … which if you missed the Sesame Street culture, takes place the first week of December.

Raya & Elmo demonstrate proper hand washing to preschoolers … but now we need  preschoolers to give the big kids and adults a refresher course!

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True to our country’s basic panic mentality, we’ve cleared America’s retail shelves of Purell, private label hand sanitizers … and all alcohol … as in Rubbing and Isopropyl.

And a new breed of “Purell Pirates” has cornered the market … so they can sell it through Amazon and EBay at “ransom level prices.”

Twenty bucks per bottle anyone?

Hell … that gives new meaning to Vulture Capitalism!

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But … you have to give consumers credit … they’re always one step ahead of retailers.

Faced with vacant Purell shelves … some consumers applied creative, but  warped logic to the situation … and are using Tito’s.

Follow their thread … “Handmade vodka … no Purell … coronavirus scare … ergo, it’s alcohol-and-hands … what the Hell?”

But Tito’s takes this seriously … if not a bit absurdly.

With each Twittersphere mention of using Tito’s precious “handmade vodka” as a hand sanitizer … instead of a Moscow Mule … which I personally think is a waste of even bad vodka … Tito’s launches a Tweet reply:

“…. per the CDC, the alcohol carrier in a sanitizer must be a minimum 60% alcohol … Tito’s sadly, is only 40% … and while remarkably drinkable … should not be wasted as a sanitizer.”

These the same “Stupids” who refused to drink Corona Beer because of Coronavirus … and cost that company over $170,000,000 in profits?

Now they’ve linked “Handmade Tito’s” to a sanitizer to kill coronavirus germs?

Seems that Forrest Gump’s mama was right …  “Stupid is as stupid does.”

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Meanwhile the Seriously Absurd staff and our standard poodle, Rani, have scouted the ‘hood in hopes of finding young entrepreneurs who dumped the “All-American Lemonade Stand” for the much more lucrative “Hand Sanitizer Stand.”

But alas … no entrepreneurs occupy that income stream.  We surmised their allowances were too high … and “their entrepreneurial spark of poverty” had been killed.

Look for the Girl Scouts to fill that void with a “Cool Mint Chocolate Sanitizer!”

Just sayin’ …

“I like my Corona with a slice of truth … not lime!”

“Hi … Tony Romo, former quarterback in the NFL … here on the beach under my Corona umbrella enjoying the sun, the sand, the waves, and my Corona … with a slice of lime.

“We’re offering special pricing today because crazy Americans think they’re protecting themselves from the ‘Coronavirus’ … by not drinking Corona beer!”

In a recent poll, 38% of beer swillers nationwide have totally sworn off Corona fearing they will contract the virus.  AB InBev, owner of the Corona brand, has lost $170 million in profits to date.

Advice released from President Trump … “I’m the King of Branding … I think those Corona guys need to make their beer more patriotic … they need Tom Brady to join their team for a newer more patriotic beer … ‘Brady Beer.’  Screw Romo … he was always a loser!”

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“Hi … Ling Lang Lee here in San Francisco’s China Town … standing in front of my vacant Chinese restaurant ready to serve incredible and healthy food at deep discount prices … because you crazy people think I’m spreading the ‘Coronavirus’ serving you egg rolls and General Tsao’s chicken … both of which are totally American rip-offs of Chinese food.

“There’s nothing from China in any of our authentic Chinese dishes … our foods are totally ‘dog-free.’

All of our cooks and wait staff are at least 3rd generation American citizens.  They think there really was a General Tsao.”

President Trump has thrown his full weight … uhoh … behind this appeal to support America’s Chinese ghettos.

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“Hi … Detective Joe Friday … in LA with a special Public Service Announcement

“The latest batch of Angel Dust flooding the streets of Hollywood is contaminated with Coronavirus.

“If you bring your stash to the West Hollywood station … we’ll be glad to take it off your hands  … no questions asked.  If you feel uncomfortable bringing your dope to the station … give us your address and we’ll come right over.  Do the right thing!”

It’s rumored that President Trump has nominated the entire West LA Police Department for a Medal of Freedom Award stating … “They stand proudly with Rush Limbaugh.”

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“Good evening … this is your President speaking … you’ve got nothing to fear but fear itself.  I’ve launched an all out Twitter Assault guaranteed to destroy this Corona-beery-thingie.

“I’ve also appointed my favorite ass kisser, Vice President Mike Pence, to head my Coronovirus Task Force.

I alone will make sure no one from my administration makes any statement that in any way contradicts what I say about this strain of flu … which is little more than a common cold.”

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Me … ?  I’m stickin’ with a slice of truth in my Corona.

Just sayin’ …

Making the World a “Better Place”

Occasionally I exchange serious … as opposed to absurd e-mails … with a group of friends.

This exchange … a discussion on “how to help yourself have a better day” … occurred a few days ago.

I put in my two cents worth because in my next life I definitely plan to be the Anne Landers … Doctor Phil … or Dr. Ruth of the time.  I just love to give advice.

It’s based on my friend “Bill’s” email and my offering advice.

So far, no one’s responded, “Hey Huss, stuff it!”

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“Bill … you offered some good advice … like you don’t answer your cell phone until 10 AM or tune into Cable News until noon.”

I’m generally off my cell phone most of the day, too … but that’s because I’ve forgotten where I last placed, saw or dropped it.

As for Cable News … I only watch when I’m feeling suicidal … or I’ve decided to drink … which is pretty much anytime my eyes are open.

I’m banned from ladders now … it’s an age thing …  so when I OD on Cable News and desperately want to take that final leap … it’s off the edge of my front walk … and results in a severely sprained ankle.

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I’m proud, Bill that “you try not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself.”

I’ve determined that the only pressure I can handle is whether it will be a “clear liquor day” or a “brown liquor day.”

The only daily chore I face is before I go to bed … to check and make sure my icemaker hasn’t jammed.

A full ice bin is a harbinger of a “better day.”

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Surrounding yourself, Bill, with positive thoughts and energy is a really good thing.

I … on the other hand … have pretty much given up thinking … both good and bad thoughts.  Thinking hurts my hair and I’ve determined that it’s not really all that good for me.

I’m okay with traffic laws … except for stop signs … which I consider to be suggestions.

I also randomly drop public F-bombs … mostly to jangle the nerves of Fundamentalists … who now-a-days seem to be everywhere.

If they also make eye contact with me … I apologize and tell them I suffer from a rare form of “F***ing Tourettes” … and to please pray for my recovery.

I also remind them … if they’re still within hearing range … “It’s what Jesus would want them to do.”

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Empirical evidence has proven without a doubt that I can most easily improve everyone’s day by staying home … preferably inside.

So I frequently help make my Mount Dora world “a better place” by being an-inside-person.

Just sayin’ … HUSS

What do Super Bowl LIV & V-Day have in common? (More than you might think, Grasshopper)

Status

V-Day’s come and gone … behind it a wake of poorly-expressed-proclamations-of-undying-love … half-eaten-past-code-date-chocolates … deflated balloons … and discarded-super-market-flowers … flown-in-from-god-knows-where.

For many, this V-Day exchange is a “sexual quid-pro-quo” … which loosely means an “exchange of favors” … “You get this and I get laid!”

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Also come-and-gone … Super Bowl LIV.

That would be “54” for those who had trouble with “quid-pro-quo” … and you thought Latin was a “dead language!”

Both of these “non-holiday-holidays” have one thing in common … at least in the eyes of some in our population.

That common bond?  A “mega-sex” event … with a special thanks to the last Super Bowl halftime “show-all!”

That Nanosecond glimpse of the uncovered Janet Jackson boob … Super Bowl XXXVIII (38 for Latin illiterates) … caused weeks of Christian teeth gnashing … and a direct “perp-walk-to-Hell” … for Janet.

Flash forward 16 years (XXXVIII + XVI = LIV) … many of the fine-Fundamentalist-Evangelical ladies and gentlemen who … instead of beating a path to bathrooms for a halftime pee … tuned into the halftime J. Lo and Shakira extravaganza.

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No matter their show was hyped relentlessly for weeks ahead of the big game.

No matter the music, costumes, staging, dancing … and what you called “soft porn” … were splashed on screens in your homes on endless pre-broadcast promotional streams.

These two leading female Latina entertainers crashed the alleged “virginal sanctity” of your living room … thus creating a major Christian backlash about “sexploitation” … of your 13 year olds.

OMG … Those two Latinas rolled on the ground … rubbed against ropes seductively … rubbed their legs together … and for God’s sake, rubbed their crotches!

By 2025 we’ll probably have orgies on stage!

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Did you forget when it was …

“OMG Martha … “Thank God the bottom of the TV screen’s blacked out … that Devil’s Spawn Elvis’s wiggling again!”

OMG Martha … “Look at those long haired British boys … they’re poisoning our minds!”

OMG Martha … “That Rapper just grabbed his crotch!”

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Your kids see T&A everywhere … at the beaches … at high school events … movies … music videos … teen beauty pageants … competitive cheer leading … gymnastics and swim meets … all the TV shows you think you chip-blocked.

There’s and entire aisle in your grocery store dedicated to sexual innuendo … they’re called greeting cards!

And now at MAGA rallies …

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Just sayin’ …

“Who needs the Ruskies when we have the Iowans?”

If the Dems start in Iowa is any indication of how we’re gonna “fight” the 2020 version of GOP electoral criminals … our call to arms probably should be … “Hey, General Custer, where’d all these f**kin’ Indians come from?”

Iowa is the 2020 anchor around our neck because DNC Leaders didn’t have the guts to say to Iowa’s State Democratic Party … “You can’t be first … New Hampshire’s first … you gotta have a stand-in-line-and-vote ‘f**king primary’ just like everybody else!

“Hiram & Ethel’s barn as a caucus site is not in the picture for 2020 ‘cause we ain’t havin’ an Iowa Caucus … so get over it!”

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And if we really wanted to keep Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, WikiLeaks and/or Trump’s-300-pound-Cheeto-eating-basement-dwelling-Incel-hackers away from our election(s) … we’d follow Oregon’s lead and switchover immediately to paper ballot-vote-by-mail … convenient drop boxes … rescued by a “low tech wave” instead of screwed by a “high tech disaster” … which wasn’t even “test driven.”

For cripes sake … even Elon Musk tests his “dreams” before they become realities!

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Now that the Iowa electoral ox is outta the barn … everyone’s sayin’ “this caucus thing is a cute quaint tradition … but it does nothing but make it harder for people to vote.”

Duuh!  Where were you 20:20 hind-sighters when way before the Hillary-Bernie- tragi-comedy-of-errors … the DNC begged caucus states to switch to a primary?

All we heard from you was wa-wa-wa … whine-whine-whine.

At least the folks who will continue with caucuses in 2020 … there are a few who insist … are NOT using the Shadow, Inc. “chip” … the one currently blamed for the Iowa debacle.

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Consider these factors …

What happened to the value of a “secret ballot?”  In today’s political climate of internet bullying, physical threats, property damage, wanton thugery … who looks forward to facing more public abuse when voting?

Since when was it politically smart to launch a Democratic presidential primary campaign in a state that is 91% white … and packed with Progressives?  Shouldn’t we consider a launch in a state more closely resembling our party voter population?

If we’re desperately trying to increase voter turnout … why make it harder to vote?  If we’re not … then just re-instate the poll tax … at least the state will rake in some more money.

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And … did no one think about this?

Since Iowa was the victim of a “technical-digital-electronic-glitch” … maybe we just needed to “unplug Iowa … count to 30 … and plug Iowa back in.”

Just sayin’ …

“Trumpography” … his world really is flat

Fact checking the daily-hourly-minute-by-minute displays of ignorance emanating from our “Rent-A-President” and his gang of Flat Earth governing imposters has become a fulltime job.

Last week … Flat Earth worshippers let out a “Whoop” when “Trumpography” reared its ugly alternative-fact head in the US State Department.

Mike Pompeo … current Bozo of State … sandbagged a leading NPR radio reporter … Mary Louise Kelly … with a private pop quiz on Eastern European geography.

Matching his West Point Military Map Reading course against her master’s degree from Cambridge in European studies … he demanded she locate Ukraine using an unmarked map … no Alexa … no world atlas … not even a AAA Trip-Tik.

Then with his trademark s**t-eating-chauvinistic-know-it-all-sneer … he publically trashed Kelly … implying she’d pointed to Bangladesh.

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January 2020 … At a rally in Atlanta using his own special Trumpography skills … our “Bet-you-can’t-guess-what-I’m-gonna-say-now-leader revealed that Belgium and Brussels were interchangeable as city-and-country … depending on whether Brussels is a “hellhole” or “Belgium a beautiful city.”

Belgium has never been a city … and no world leaders … as well as most 7th graders … have ever confused Brussels the city with Belgium the country.

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October 2017 … During his state visit, India’s prime minister … expressed concern to our “Font-of-Geographical-Ignorance” about China’s activities in the region.

The Font’s response?

“It’s not like you’ve got China on your border” … responded our very own contemporary Marco Polo … completely unaware of India’s existing 2,500+ mile border with China.

At least he didn’t add … “I can get Mexico to pay for your wall if you want to keep out ‘disease-infested-drug-smuggling-murdering-rapist Chinese immigrants.’”

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October 2019 … OK OK … it’s a big world with a lotta countries.

But what about USA Trumpography?  Surely our Dumb F**k President knows about the America he’s busily “Making Great Again?”

Guess again, Frodo!

In PA at a rally … he talks about how we’re gonna win New Mexico by building a wall on the NM border … then adds we’re building a big beautiful wall in Colorado, too … a wall no one can get over or under.

But don’t worry … just to reveal his infinite Trumpographical knowledge … he adds that we’re NOT building a wall in Kansas.

Aaah Trumpography … simply a stunning example of the power you wield when you have such a complete grasp of Trumpographic Alternative Facts.

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Just sayin’ …

Thank the gods … “THE Season” is almost over!

“THE Season?”  What “Season” are you squawking about?  Winter?  Xmas?  That’s done and gone.

We’re way beyond wishing friends and neighbors “Happy New Year!”

What “Season?”

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The “Diet Season” … it starts every January and it’s the source of major guilt for 365 days.

It’s also the season we start … only to end quicker than any other.  It’s the one we swear to keep … for an entire year!  Not!  Nope!  Never gonna happen!

It’s just a matter of how quickly we can ditch it.

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At Seriously Absurd Mount Dora headquarters we’ve decided to help you with the base stupidity of our national pledge to shed those pounds … flatten those tummies … develop at least one can of those six-pack abs!

We’ve found the worst … the craziest … the dumbest of the diets you should never pledge to keep … or even try.

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#1 … Any nutrition info suggested by Gwyneth Paltrow … Beyonce … Big Butted Kardashians … or those who advise you while sucking-on-a-biodegradable-straw-in-a-fresh-lemon-juice-concoction-in-a-reusable-bottle-while-driving-their-Prius-to-their-private-Yoga-session.

#2 … Anything using the name-title-phrase or hint of … “The Tape Worm Diet.”  Yep … it’s real … and some crazy folks try it.

You don’t have to swallow the worm … just the egg.  Then kickback and experience a 50% … or more nutrient/food loss … while your pet worm grows.

If you’re crazy enough to try this … you might not want to peek at the enhanced microscopic photos of the “Alien-esque” worm hooked to your digestive system.  Scaaaary!

#3 … The Fabulous Ms. M (Marilyn Monroe) started her day … unless she was with JFK … with two whipped eggs coddled in warm milk … skipped her lunch assuming she was still with JFK … and had an evening meal of broiled meat and five carrots.  Nothing was said about cocktails … or portion control … for the “Fabulous Ms. M.”

Lady Gaga allegedly starts her day with two jars of Gerber baby foods … that’s breakfast and lunch … and finishes with a “normal well balanced” dinner.

I say she should stay on Gerber but move to “stage three Gerber Chewables” for dinner.  Why ruin a good thing … especially since Gerber Chewables pair well with most $200 bottles of red!

Then there’s always the “Sirt Food” plan … it starts with a well balanced red wine and dark chocolate … followed by a bunch of s**t no one’s interested in.

It appears that there really is something for everyone … in the Wild West World of Diets.

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Just sayin’ …

New Year’s Resolutions … Stop the Insanity!

Every year millions of Americans set themselves up for abject failure … self- loathing … self-hate.

Then they spend countless dollars trying to fix their screwed up psyches as they return to their favorite “couch consultants” to repair their broken lives.

And their major complaint?

“Why … why … can’t I keep a few simple resolutions beyond the first month of the New Year?”

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Well listen to me my “little-chickadees-of-life” … read on as I spill the secret to reclamation and endless happiness so you won’t slog and trudge through 2020.

Here’s the pathway to achieve your dream of keeping three of the most popular resolutions.

MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION YOU CAN KEEP!

Here’s my “K-I-S-S” list to jumpstart your 2020 success.

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Diet … Diet-Schmiet.  Laugh in the face of Marie Osmond!

No way she looks that good … has lost that much weight eating shit food mailed to her by Nutrisystem!

Save your money.  Walk away from the stress.  All you need to do is make one simple adjustment in your life!

In a word … Velcro!

Buy Velcro shoes … No more grunting … huffing … muttering while you try to tie shoelaces that remind you you’re still carrying the weight you swore you’d lose 10 years ago!

Slap and go with … “Guilt Free Velcro!”

Velcro solved my problem … and, it can work for you!

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Exercise … Exercise Schmex-ercise.  The worst invention in the world was the guilt inducing pedometer!

As we age, our aches, cramps and muscle twitches occur all night.  That’s an extra 7-8 hours of muscle activity.  We stumble to the bathroom every night to pee … most of us more than once!

Don’t lose valuable “steps” … convert that muscle activity … those tosses and turns.  Wear your spunky pedometer 24-7 and capture those previously uncounted calories.

Remember … steps = weight loss!

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Stressed?  Stress-schmess!

Return your home to those happy-carefree days … when your living room was for living … not stressing … avoiding disasters like murder and mayhem.

Bring back your happy-go-lucky past.  “Seinfeld” works as you laugh about nothing.

“Friends” and their happy times in Central Perks … no one ever dies!

Morality tales?  “Mayberry RFD” … see how “black-and-white” morality issues can be as Andy … a single father … raises Opie.

And, don’t forget “Perry Mason” … the bad guy’s always caught … found guilty …  and confesses.

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That’s three of my EZ to keep New Year’s Resolutions … cost free … guaranteed to “keep you off the “Freud-Couch.”

Feel good about yourself … you can thank me later!

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Just sayin’ …

“Dear Santa” … 2019

Dear Santa,

I was just wondering … did you and Jesus hang out with each other when you were kids … even though Jesus was a Jew?

I’ve been studying all about Jesus in Sunday school and they tell me to believe in Him.  But when I tell them I believe in you … my Sunday school teacher gives me this weird look … and, doesn’t say anything.

I dunno.  Both of you have magical powers … and you both do nice things for people.

As for magic … Jesus had it goin’ for Him.  They say He fed a ton of people on a loaf of bread and a few pieces of farm raised catfish.  And, there was that one dead dude … Lazarus … and Jesus made him come back alive … which was way cool.

I think He may have tricked His disciples when He did the “walking-on-the-water” thing.  But that’s okay.

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I know you have that sleigh … those reindeer … can fly all over the entire world … but Jesus walked everywhere … or rode a donkey.

You have an army of elves helping you … but He only had twelve guys helping him.

They say Jesus lives in a place called “heaven” … and knows everything about us … whether we’re good or bad.  You live in the North Pole … and know whether we’ve been naughty or nice.  Is that the same thing?

They wrote a book about each of you.  Yours is a lot shorter and easier to read.

Yours truly …

Peter Paul Joseph

P.S. – I think I like you better even though you both wear weird clothes … at least you bring me toys.

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Dear PPJ,

Isn’t your house the one built on a rock?  I think I remember that one … you have a really cool chimney … easy to go down and get back up!   

Nah … I didn’t hang with Jesus when he was a kid … he was a little before me so I didn’t get to know him.  

I heard he was a pretty cool dude.

He was young when he chased those bankers out of what was then called “Wall Street.”  We could sure use a guy like Him now.  It seems that everyone who believes in Him nowadays also believes in money … war … and being mean to poor people.

Pretty stupid if you ask me.

BTW … I didn’t see a list with your letter.  If not, it’ll just be potluck for you … I just grab whatever’s on top of the sack when I swing by.  

I’m hearing rumors from corporate that if I don’t “deliver” this year, I’ll be outsourced … and something called “Prime” will take over. 

Best you send me a list.

Santa …

P.S. – It’s okay to believe in both of us … just sayin’ … SC

Wait ‘til next year … from “Dread to “Partee!”

Another Thanksgiving dinner survived … a mega event enhanced by our steroidal political atmosphere … the state of the National Football League … and the use of the “I-word” … Impeachment.

We owe our Thanksgiving celebration to that intrepid group of Mayflowerian Separatists … who celebrated surviving their first year in the “New World” with three days of “Pilgrim Fun” … no wife swapping, drugs or alcohol … a real “Yuck Fest.”

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But fear not Thanksgiving Loyalists … you impish fun loving pie bakers and flash fried turkey arsonists.  The 21st century version of Thanksgiving’s Hardy Partiers is here to “elevate” your plans for 2020’s feast!

We’ve got the latest “plant based food enhancer” to change yesteryear’s “prayer-filled-puritan-heritage-three-day-dirge” into a wild-and-wooly Wilford Brimley “You-want-me-to-do-what-to-your-turkey?” Bacchanal Feast.

Don’t just “lace-up” that turkey for baking … “lace” that turkey, all the side dishes, desserts and beverages with the best in legal home grown American 100% certified red-white-and-blue … Pot!

Wow … you’ve just turned your 3-Day Dirge into a “Wheee-It’s-a-Three-Day-Parteee!”

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Don’t bother checking mags like “Saveur” or “Food and Wine” for next year’s recipes.

Go to “Doctor Google” … type in “best pot laced Thanksgiving recipes” and scroll through 1.6 million “Doped Turkey Day” options.

Since the best properties of your pot are released when it’s “warmed” … and there are absolutely no dishes served at Thanksgiving that are not butter laden … you can insure a successful “Everybody-gets-along-and-even-likes-football-Stoner-Turkey-Day” by starting with … “I Can’t believe it’s Pot Butter.”

Make a really huge batch and slather it everywhere you see any food … be sure to have mountain sized portions at each place setting!

And you’ll need to purchase pick-up truck loads of those little warm-up-dinner-rolls … yummy-yummy-in-my-munchy-craving-tummy!

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As for the “Big Bird” … use the Butter Ball concept and pack that Sumbitch with your Pot Butter … inside … outside … and for good measure toss a fistful of prime buds into the cavity!

Dessert?  Who’s got room for dessert?

We all do … if we harken back to our Hippie Days and resurrect the one-and-only-tried-and-true Alice B. Toklas’ “Alice’s Restaurant pot brownies.”

Take it from Wilford … it’ll give a whole new meaning to “Pot Luck!”

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Just sayin’ …