According to an ABC news report, over 75 women have been arrested for their participation in the Jan 6 Capitol Insurrection.

Of those women, blonde North Texas Realtor, Jennifer Ryan, is making the most headlines thanks to her over-the-top assertion that her blonde hair, good looks, successful real estate business, and white skin would be her “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card.

Yes … she really said it!  Plus, she added … “No prison time for me,” as she bragged to the media!

Oops … not so fast, Jennifer! Thanks to a far from amused judge, it’s the Klinker for you. Maybe this is the best blonde joke of forever … and it’s on you!

************************

Now that you’re convicted of the crime … and you have serve the time … my friend and ex-con Martha Stewart’s got some sage (pun intended) advice for you!

Yes, folks … That Martha … the doyenne of anything not essential … but you must possess if you want to enjoy life.

If this sounds contradictory, don’t whine at me!

Martha’s the one who’s the Mistress of candles made from wild doe ear wax … Thanksgiving turkey delivered fresh from the prairies of Wyoming mercifully dispatched from this life without pain or suffering … pumpkins grown from seeds salvaged from the volcanic ash ruins of Pompeii … and now baked in your pie!

All I ask is … “Why can’t you settle for Libby’s canned pumpkin pie mix … and an effing Butterball?”

You … dear reader might also ask … “What’s all that have to do with Jennifer?”

*************************

Huh … it’s as simple as the bobbed nose on Jennifer’s face … and the many-times-worked-over-visage of Martha’s face.

Martha did the time for her crime … six months in what’s known as “Camp Cupcake,” aka Alderson Federal Prison Camp … and she’s got some pointers for Jennifer … our newly minted whining, sniveling, soon to be ex-Realtor from Tex-ass!

And Seriously Absurd has the scoop on what’s in the first edition of “Martha’s How to Get Along with Prison Skanks … Survival tips for living without fear while behind bars!”

************************

#1 … “Make the food line servers your BFF’s … no one wants effluvial statements of distaste lodged in their already truly rotten food.  By day three, I learned that she who handles my food is … for sure … my BFF!”

#2 … “Puff up your prison uniform … don’t look schlumpy … but avoid ostentatious pretensions like frivolous ribbons and large noticeable buttons.”  (This advice also went to Felicity Huffman, who did the time for her stupid crime!)

#3 … “Become one with your cell … under no circumstances ask that it be repainted … and for God’s sake, never ask … Could you clean it for me?”

#4 … “Under no circumstances should a copy of ‘Architectural Digest,’ any celebrity chef’s ‘zine, or ‘Elle’ be seen in your cell.  Even ‘Redbook’” could be dangerous … think primitive … trash romances with cover photos featuring torn clothing and unsightly amounts of skin.”

#5 … “”Ma’am” is the most important word you’ll ever use … as in ‘Yes, Ma’am, please’ or, an occasional ‘No, Ma’am, thank you.’  Remember, you simply can’t over-Ma’am!”

*********************

Martha served six months in “Camp Cupcake.”  Jennifer “The Tex-ass Realtor Whiner” will serve only two.

And Martha even whined … to Katie Couric saying, “…. no one … no one… should have to go through that kind of indignity, really, except for murderers … It’s a very, very awful thing.”

Aw, c’mon Martha … murderers only?  It can’t tax your brain to come up with a list of folks who deserve to be taught a penal lesson or two.

What about wife beaters?  Child molesters?  Scammers who financially ruin people?  Politicians who think they’re above the law?

C’mon Martha … when you left Camp Cupcake … you boarded your private jet bound for your 200+ acre shanty in Bedford, NY.

Just sayin’ …

Flori-DUH … already known as the land of thrills, tourist traps and scams … is offering up a new fantasy playground.

Located in the shadow of Disney World … the greatest “pretend world” ever known … Flori-DUH’s Freedom Land will occupy the site previously known as “The Holy Land Experience” … where Jesus and his friends recently roamed.

But then the White Jesus was fired … the crowd of White wandering angels took early retirement packages.

And when the Three White Wise Guys landed a late night cable gig … the White Moneylenders who owned the holy grounds had no choice but to lock the gates and bail on the pretend Christians who wandered the tribal deserts located just off I-4 at the Millennial Mall Exit.

It was just another injustice suffered by the White Men of America!

****************

Enter Freedom Land … a perfect salve to soothe the egos of the rapidly vanishing “All White-You Have No Rights-Majority… a perfect venue for all the White folks in the USofA pissing and moaning ‘cause they think they’ve lost their God Given Freedoms!

Their “America First” campaign slogan morphed into a new chant … “Me First … Me Always … All Ways Me … Me Forever” … but a Democrat still got elected President!

What better way to enjoy unfettered narcissism … bullying and lying … alternative facts … anti-whatever-whenever-forever … than to treat your entire family to Flori-DUH’s “Freedom Land” … where everything’s “My Way and Not Your Way.”

*****************

At Freedom Land … the main attraction is “Con Man Hall” … home to an animatronics display of the top 20 scam artists in US history.

Here you catch-up with the Trump’s … and their penny-ante family plans to bilk folks before, during, and after his presidency.

Bernie Madoff … who made off with 64.8 billion before his empire collapsed.

Charles Ponzi … who was so successful they named the “Ponzi Scheme” after him.

And who says “Crime don’t pay!”  Just ask Frank Abagnale the con man who has his own bio-pic … “Catch Me if you Can” … starring Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio.  En lieu of jail time, Abagnale joined the FBI to share his forgery knowledge and skills with the guys who caught him!

***************

You’ll also discover the bygone “Snake Oil Salesman” … he’s alive and well at Freedom Land’s COVID19 Pavilion … where you get up-close-and-personal with everything you never wanted to know about COVID Cures!

Don’t be shy … everyone’s loading up on Hydroxychloroquine and Invermectin.

Waddle up to the COVID19 Bar … load your Nebulizer with vodka or rum … and mist away with your cute little pink umbrella!

If you’re a real tough guy … snort straight bleach … or mix it with a shot of methanol!  As the hairs inside your nose singe and teeny-weeny blisters appear, never fear … “Be a man and Suck it up, Buttercup!”

******************

All this and more awaits you at Freedom Land!

The land of no “gubmint” … no masks … no approved vaccines!

Who wants safety inspections for the rides?

Who needs lines when you can “duke it out” or “shoot it out” to settle who gets the next seat on the “Straight-to-Hell-Express!”

And on your way out, don’t forget your free “Screamin’ Eagle” iron-on-skin-patch … smack-dab on your forehead … “NOT VACCINATED AND PROUD OF IT!”

Talk about a great obit photo!

Just sayin’ …

(A big shout-out to one of my staunchest supporters, Tom Lloyd.  Tom planted the seed for this Blog … and then dared me to “make something of it!”  Thanks, TeeL!)

A horse of another color trotted across the Far Side Pasture, leaned over the fence, and whispered to a decidedly ordinary cow, “You heard the latest?”

“Latest what?” said the cow as she contentedly chewed her cud wishing she could dump her latest milk load on the Carnation Condensed Milk people.

“It’s all over the news,” said the horse stamping his hoof mimicking his TV idol Mr. Ed, as he struggled to count to three.

“Even the Fox News Big Shits are screamin’ about it.  That’s right! I’m talkin’ the Ingram-Hannity-Carlson-Tri-Namic-Trio of lyin’ Cretins.

“Seems that the Mississi-slippi South’s risin’ agin.’  Those Huckleberries’re suckin’ down major loads of our worm medicine … Invermectin.

“Musta read about it on ‘The Line’ … and, now everyone’s usin’ it as a surefire cure for the COVID!

“You heard about it here first … from me … at Bill ‘Old Reilly’s Early Retirement Farm!’”

*****************

Info from Seriously Absurd farmland field reporters indicate that Invermectin use by “Trumpworld Designer COVID Death Drugs du Jour” has already emptied shelves in neighborhood feed stores and tractor outlets … and forced the FDA to issue a special warning:

Folks … you’re not a cow … you’re not a horse …  Invermectin is NOT safe to treat COVID.

It did not specify whether you were a horse’s ass … or maybe just an ass!

******************

It seems the anti-vaxers of our nation have abandoned the “Tried and Untrue” light bulb up-the-ass, self-induced-hemorrhoidectomy.

Plus they’ve vomited up all the hydroxychloroquine along with most of their stomach lining.

So, the only way for Trumpers to maintain their patriotic anti-vaxer cred is to swallow large quantities of a de-wormer which could cause dizziness, seizures and confusion … apparently no biggies for MAGA Hatters.

But other side affects like sudden drops in blood pressure, hepatitis and a yearning for gravy on French fries could be a tad more concerning.

*****************

According to one Mississippian farmer, who only gave us his first name … “Dell” … “Ah ain’t puttin’ that damn vaccine in mah ahrm whinst I don’t know what it is that’s in it!  Cain’t trust the damn gubmint.

“But I read that there label on that ‘ivecto-mo-cidal’ stuff so ah know what it is ahm a swallowin’ … it’s got that there STROMECTOL which is the killin’ stuff …  along with a bunch of other dead stuff … and some citric acid … which comes from mah oranges I grow right here in Mississippi.

“And that’s pure vitamin C!”

Folks … this is where we discover there’s no helping stupid!

*****************

But if you really want to know what’s safe to use for COVID … avoid anything  approved by a celebrity chef, huckster TV preacher … or that pillow guy currently being sued in numerous courts and that ex-president “you-know-who” … and go get your damn vaccine!

Just sayin’ …

Seriously Absurd has heard airlines are canceling in-flight TV and movies.  According to one airline source, their company is saving millions of dollars by no longer offering these entertainment options.

When pressed on what passengers would do for entertainment, our source revealed their company is now providing live assault-and-battery events pitting passengers against their flight crews.

After several frustrating months of ever increasing unruly flyers, airlines have discovered that passengers actually look forward to these “In-flight fights.”

When asked directly, one passenger said, “I don’t care where I’m going.  I just fly to see what happens while I’m getting there.  I’m looking forward to my own first “Mile-High-Flight-Fight” … I don’t think the crew members should get all the fun.”

*********************

In an effort to combat customer frustration over 60% cancellation rates, Spirit Airlines has started promoting a “Fights-In-Flight” fight card on their routes from Florida cities to both New York and Philadelphia.

According to one anonymous Spirit exec, “Our research showed that both male and female passengers who lived in Florida and are flying to Philly or The Big Apple have a 63.5% greater likelihood of belligerent behavior than any of our other passengers.”

When queried by Seriously Absurd field writers, major air haulers declined to discuss the rumors that they had plans drawn for “Fights-In-Flight” that would involve food or using the saw toothed plastic cutlery provided with meals.

*******************

The motivation behind this bold move for live in-flight entertainment is simple.  The escalation of altercations creates an opportunity for financially stressed airlines to recoup losses brought on by the Pandemic.

Plus, unlike Road Ragers, “Air Ragers” have no real outlet for their anger.  They’re usually strapped into torture chamber seats too small for their wide-body assets …  have no control over their speed … have no means to aggressively cut-off other Air Ragers … and can’t flip ‘em the bird as they pass by!

What’s a pissed-off traveler to do when the only official in a uniform is a flight attendant … and usually a female?

*********************

Flight crew members aren’t waiting for the FAA and the courts to handle what they call “a rash of Airholes.”

One female flight attendant, known as “Take ‘em down Annie,” says, “I’m ready!  One flat heel-of-the-hand shot to the bridge of his nose and that dumb F**ker’s got sinus drainage for the rest of his life!  On my flights … it’s Mask up … Sit up … and Shut up!”

Fly the friendly skies, anyone?  Just sayin’ …

When I was younger and knew much less than I now know, I yelled at the TV only during football games.

I was thrilled to learn (while I was younger) that Elvis … my only true singer idol … would plug his TV with a .45 caliber handgun whenever he was perturbed by a particular program.

That was balls out cool and known as “Elvising your TV!”

I guess other folks who had handguns and enough money to readily replace their TVs followed Elvis’ lead in expressing their disgust, because it was quite “the thing” for a while.

Now I’ve added my own personal “TV screamer’s hit list.”

**********************

FOX News because of its boiling cesspool of arrogant ignorance … eternal grievance and pretend outrage … death inducing anti-vax advice guaranteed to kill at least some of its clueless viewers … and last-but-not-least, Tucker Carlson’s smug-trust-fund-I’m-so-so-superior-to-you idiots supercilious smile.

I’ve also included Morning Joe because of Joe’s garage-band-pompadour.

CNN because there can’t be that much “Breaking News.”

Jim Cramer because he needs to lose the rolled up long sleeved shirt look.

Local news because I’m tired of car wrecks, armed robberies and shootings, not to mention Amber Alerts, Silver Alerts and Emergency Test broadcasts with horrific ear crushing claxons that scare the bejesus out of me.

All Geico commercials because when all is said and done, he’s still just a lizard.

National auto commercials because they all drive the same roads to emotional and sexual freedom.

*******************

I want them to bring back that “Beer Guy” … the Most Interesting Man in the World, or whoever he was … Mr. Dos Equis.

I love local car commercials with talking dogs, bratty kids and women dressed in tight dresses who shouldn’t be dressed in tight dresses.

I’m intrigued by buying a car with that vending machine … Carvana.  They should bring back Joe Izusu even if they don’t make that car model anymore.

All medical-drug-pharmaceutical commercials need to be video only … no sound … except when they list all the horrible things that could happen if/when you use the drug … then they all need to end the ad with one question: “Are you really sure you want to ingest or rub this s**t on your body?”

All the SPCA ads need to be junked.  Or, they need to do a minute on the F**kers who have done that to their animals making sure we have their address and phone number … maybe we need to register them like we do child molesters.

I do miss Alex Trebek … and am glad Aaron Rodgers … that narcissistic, arrogant Green Bay quarterback will not be his replacement.

********************

A-a-ah … I feel so much lighter and righter … who needs a gun?  I can safely say my TV’s no longer on Death Row!

Just sayin’ …

Life’s been a bit tough for Brood X Cicadas,.  Witness …

*******************

Re-emergence is hard to do …

We think we had it tough emerging after our COVID isolation … switch places with our friendly Brood X Cicadas!

Brood X’ers did 17 years underground in “the hundred acre wood” … soft loamy dirt with lotsa roots for leisurely munching … a little piece of paradise and a good cicada larva life.

Perfect for 17 year gestation periods.  What could go wrong?

Cicada #1:  Where are we?  What happened to the woods?

Cicada #2:  Holy cicada crap … now it’s a 100 acres of asphalt.  Where’s Pooh Bear?

C#1:  Kee-r-i-i-i-st … where’re our millions of brothers and sisters?  All I see is Joni Mitchell’s “paved-over-paradise-parking-lot” … a few scrawny trees in a waste land!  What’s a “Dairy Queen” anyway?

C#2:  Maybe we made a wrong turn just before we popped out.  Uh oh … what’s that monstro rollin’ toward us?  Aargh … frump, frump … crunch!

Super-sexed … but no pecker …

Cicada #1:  Can you believe?  We wait 17 years to get laid and now this happens.  There oughta be a law!

Cicada #2:  Quit whining and keep shrugging … we got no chance until we’re outta this muck and get some new skin.

C1:  I feel weird … kinda like I’m already horny … really horny … you’re even looking good!

C2:  Hey, muck breath … take a look in the mirror … “the cicada fungus is amung us!”  You may feel horny but your “horn” ain’t beepin’ if ya know what I mean.  Half your body’s missing … and I hate to break it to ya … it’s the “horn-half” you’re missin’!

“Let them eat Cicada cakes” …

In a wicked bow to Marie Antoinette and the French Revolution, folks are baking Brood X Cakes.  Take this one made with chocolate … which we all know makes everything taste better.

And I do mean everything!

The recipe’s a complicated “made-from-scratch” double chocolate cake slathered with cream cheese amaretto chocolate icing … what’s not to like?

But wait … where’re the effing Cicadas?  They’re artfully placed around the base of the cake and pressed into the “chocolatey” top.

That’s a blatant “Where’s the beef?” violation if I’ve ever seen one!

WTF … if you’re gonna feed ‘em a Cicada cake … bake and grind up the little suckers and make your own “Cicada flour” … now we’re talkin’ “real Cicada Cake!”

Otherwise shop local and pick up a “Duncan Hines mix” … cicadas not included!

*******************

Or … if you’re into food adventures like my faves … Martha, Rachel, Ina, and Giada … fondue fork the lively little boogers … and trench them through your own bubbly Vesuvius of hot chocolate sauce!

Yummm … chocolate covered cicada … probably tastes like chicken.

Just sayin’ …

Remember when The Orange One introduced his first totally duplicitous 2020 campaign slogan … “Promises Made Promises Kept?”

I frantically looked for the “kept” part of those promises.  After 30 minutes I quit … realizing the only promise kept was the tax cut for the wealthiest of our nation.

We’re still waiting for his new health care bill … his rescue of our public education system … his “America First” return of manufacturing jobs … his standing up to China … and particularly his promise that “we would get tired of all the winning.”

But … we know who keeps her promises … the great and wondrous “Lady Karma!”

************************

In a series of spectacular COVID laced events led by The “I’m OK-You’re-Not” Orange One … Lady Karma took the opportunity to wipe out 35+ DC Swamp Denizens who attended the COVID-19 Super Spreaders.

Here’s the “Top Billing” for infected Swampers …

**********************

Promises Kept … Hope Hicks  … the staffer who just can’t stay away from the MAGA Family … returned after her bout with the Mueller Panel only to be crowned as “The 2020’s COVID Queen” … holding the dubious honor as “Super Spreader of the Super Spreader!”  Oooh … Covid Queen a “Big Loser” to the Karma Queen!

Promises Kept … Stephen Miller … the guy who allegedly engineered the Mexico Border “Lock ups” … laces The Orange One’s speeches with racist and white supremacist hate language … whose pregnant wife has already contracted Corona virus. “Stevie Wonder” … you can run but you can’t hide from Lady Karma!

Promises Kept … Kellyanne Conway … who to be fair left the Swamp earlier to “help save her family” … then returned to attend the Rose Garden Spreader … and then infected her daughter … the one she was “trying to save.”  Lady Karma … sometimes she moves on you without even asking!

Promises Kept … Ex-governor of New Jersey Chris Christie … in the hospital after spending up-close-and-personal-time coaching The Orange One on “The-Art-of-Debate-Interruption” … also seen hugging, kissing and interrupting folks in the Rose Garden … Christie – proud owner of several co-morbidities – went directly to the hospital after testing positive.  “Karma, how I love ya, how I love ya … my dear friend Karma!”

Promises Kept … To you enabling senators and congressmen who refused to wear masks and social distance … who ignored the doctors and scientists … who schmoozed through the last 10 days cramming RBG’s replacement down our throats … how does it feel to have Lady Karma bite you on your Coronavirus ass?

Just sayin’ …

According to TS Eliot, April’s the cruelest month … but that’s just not true.

It’s got to be October … October’s the worst … the horrible-est … and has no redemptive value whatsoever!

It’s not because October is the harbinger of winter and all the leaves put on their last great show before a barren nothingness.

It’s not even wondering what a “Covid Trick-or-Treat” would be like.

*************************

Instead it’s all about the invasion of “THE PUMPKIN FLAVANOIDS” … those pumpkin infused products mad-food-scientists spent another year in the top secret labs of “Big Food” developing for us to shove down our gullets!

We were happy with pumpkin flavored coffee … the first of the “Hey-let’s-add-pumpkin-to-that-and-see-if-they’ll-buy-it!” products.

Now you face a landslide of pumpkin flavored offerings … all waving their little burnt orange hands and yelling … “Pick me!  Pick me!”

It’s gotten so bad I’ve developed an emotional allergy to pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread.

I don’t give a shit if it’s from your great-great grandma’s recipe … back when she carted the damn squash from her own patch, grown from last year’s seeds … baked in the oven of a wood burning stove … “before she had ‘lectricity!”

*****************************

Lest you think I’m hyperbolating … take a quick look at what some of the pumpkin-crazed-squash-pushers foist on us.

The “I-gotta-have-this-underarm-squash-smell” … yes, you too can smell like the sweetest “pumpkin-in-the-patch” when you slather your pits with “All Natural Pumpkin Spice Latte” deodorant.

“Pumpkin Spice Fish Bait” … your man can “go pro” when he enters his next bass tournament using these pumpkin spice soaked lures … according to fishermen, “It drives those lunkers crazy!”

For the “Phideaux” in your upscale life style … make him sit and “beg” for his own “Pumpkin Cheesecake Dog Biscuits” … woof, woof, my ass!

For those of you who have a dominant Willy Wonka gene … hunt down the  latest M&M seasonal offering … the “Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M” … allegedly the nirvana for “Everyman Chocolate.”  Reported last seen on Target shelves …  “Cheap-Chocolate-Stalkers” claim it’s a “creamy coffee/mocha combo mouth blaster!”

OMG … we won WWll feeding our GI’s 150 million pounds of SPAM … what would they think if they opened that can and chomped down on “Pumpkin Spiced SPAM?”

The real junk-food-junkies … the “Twinkie Set” … enjoy their special 20-year-shelf-life-puffy-log filled with creamy pumpkin spice filling.

And for those of us who still like to wander around in an alcohol stupor … grab a bottle of one of the 20-or-so pumpkin spice vodkas … or my personal fave … Captain Morgan’s “Jack-O-Blast Rum.”

**************************

But, the bottom line in all this … I don’t care how you dress it up … it’s still nuthin’ but a squash.

Just sayin’ …