The TV Screamer’s Hit List

When I was younger and knew much less than I now know, I yelled at the TV only during football games.

I was thrilled to learn (while I was younger) that Elvis … my only true singer idol … would plug his TV with a .45 caliber handgun whenever he was perturbed by a particular program.

That was balls out cool and known as “Elvising your TV!”

I guess other folks who had handguns and enough money to readily replace their TVs followed Elvis’ lead in expressing their disgust, because it was quite “the thing” for a while.

Now I’ve added my own personal “TV screamer’s hit list.”

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FOX News because of its boiling cesspool of arrogant ignorance … eternal grievance and pretend outrage … death inducing anti-vax advice guaranteed to kill at least some of its clueless viewers … and last-but-not-least, Tucker Carlson’s smug-trust-fund-I’m-so-so-superior-to-you idiots supercilious smile.

I’ve also included Morning Joe because of Joe’s garage-band-pompadour.

CNN because there can’t be that much “Breaking News.”

Jim Cramer because he needs to lose the rolled up long sleeved shirt look.

Local news because I’m tired of car wrecks, armed robberies and shootings, not to mention Amber Alerts, Silver Alerts and Emergency Test broadcasts with horrific ear crushing claxons that scare the bejesus out of me.

All Geico commercials because when all is said and done, he’s still just a lizard.

National auto commercials because they all drive the same roads to emotional and sexual freedom.

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I want them to bring back that “Beer Guy” … the Most Interesting Man in the World, or whoever he was … Mr. Dos Equis.

I love local car commercials with talking dogs, bratty kids and women dressed in tight dresses who shouldn’t be dressed in tight dresses.

I’m intrigued by buying a car with that vending machine … Carvana.  They should bring back Joe Izusu even if they don’t make that car model anymore.

All medical-drug-pharmaceutical commercials need to be video only … no sound … except when they list all the horrible things that could happen if/when you use the drug … then they all need to end the ad with one question: “Are you really sure you want to ingest or rub this s**t on your body?”

All the SPCA ads need to be junked.  Or, they need to do a minute on the F**kers who have done that to their animals making sure we have their address and phone number … maybe we need to register them like we do child molesters.

I do miss Alex Trebek … and am glad Aaron Rodgers … that narcissistic, arrogant Green Bay quarterback will not be his replacement.

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A-a-ah … I feel so much lighter and righter … who needs a gun?  I can safely say my TV’s no longer on Death Row!

Just sayin’ …

Re-emergence is Hard to Do … Gen-X Brood Cicadas Come Out

Life’s been a bit tough for Brood X Cicadas,.  Witness …

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Re-emergence is hard to do …

We think we had it tough emerging after our COVID isolation … switch places with our friendly Brood X Cicadas!

Brood X’ers did 17 years underground in “the hundred acre wood” … soft loamy dirt with lotsa roots for leisurely munching … a little piece of paradise and a good cicada larva life.

Perfect for 17 year gestation periods.  What could go wrong?

Cicada #1:  Where are we?  What happened to the woods?

Cicada #2:  Holy cicada crap … now it’s a 100 acres of asphalt.  Where’s Pooh Bear?

C#1:  Kee-r-i-i-i-st … where’re our millions of brothers and sisters?  All I see is Joni Mitchell’s “paved-over-paradise-parking-lot” … a few scrawny trees in a waste land!  What’s a “Dairy Queen” anyway?

C#2:  Maybe we made a wrong turn just before we popped out.  Uh oh … what’s that monstro rollin’ toward us?  Aargh … frump, frump … crunch!

Super-sexed … but no pecker …

Cicada #1:  Can you believe?  We wait 17 years to get laid and now this happens.  There oughta be a law!

Cicada #2:  Quit whining and keep shrugging … we got no chance until we’re outta this muck and get some new skin.

C1:  I feel weird … kinda like I’m already horny … really horny … you’re even looking good!

C2:  Hey, muck breath … take a look in the mirror … “the cicada fungus is amung us!”  You may feel horny but your “horn” ain’t beepin’ if ya know what I mean.  Half your body’s missing … and I hate to break it to ya … it’s the “horn-half” you’re missin’!

“Let them eat Cicada cakes”

In a wicked bow to Marie Antoinette and the French Revolution, folks are baking Brood X Cakes.  Take this one made with chocolate … which we all know makes everything taste better.

And I do mean everything!

The recipe’s a complicated “made-from-scratch” double chocolate cake slathered with cream cheese amaretto chocolate icing … what’s not to like?

But wait … where’re the effing Cicadas?  They’re artfully placed around the base of the cake and pressed into the “chocolatey” top.

That’s a blatant “Where’s the beef?” violation if I’ve ever seen one!

WTF … if you’re gonna feed ‘em a Cicada cake … bake and grind up the little suckers and make your own “Cicada flour” … now we’re talkin’ “real Cicada Cake!”

Otherwise shop local and pick up a “Duncan Hines mix” … cicadas not included!

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Or … if you’re into food adventures like my faves … Martha, Rachel, Ina, and Giada … fondue fork the lively little boogers … and trench them through your own bubbly Vesuvius of hot chocolate sauce!

Yummm … chocolate covered cicada … probably tastes like chicken.

Just sayin’ …

Lady Karma Keeps her Promises

Remember when The Orange One introduced his first totally duplicitous 2020 campaign slogan … “Promises Made Promises Kept?”

I frantically looked for the “kept” part of those promises.  After 30 minutes I quit … realizing the only promise kept was the tax cut for the wealthiest of our nation.

We’re still waiting for his new health care bill … his rescue of our public education system … his “America First” return of manufacturing jobs … his standing up to China … and particularly his promise that “we would get tired of all the winning.”

But … we know who keeps her promises … the great and wondrous “Lady Karma!”

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In a series of spectacular COVID laced events led by The “I’m OK-You’re-Not” Orange One … Lady Karma took the opportunity to wipe out 35+ DC Swamp Denizens who attended the COVID-19 Super Spreaders.

Here’s the “Top Billing” for infected Swampers …

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Promises Kept … Hope Hicks  … the staffer who just can’t stay away from the MAGA Family … returned after her bout with the Mueller Panel only to be crowned as “The 2020’s COVID Queen” … holding the dubious honor as “Super Spreader of the Super Spreader!”  Oooh … Covid Queen a “Big Loser” to the Karma Queen!

Promises Kept … Stephen Miller … the guy who allegedly engineered the Mexico Border “Lock ups” … laces The Orange One’s speeches with racist and white supremacist hate language … whose pregnant wife has already contracted Corona virus. “Stevie Wonder” … you can run but you can’t hide from Lady Karma!

Promises Kept … Kellyanne Conway … who to be fair left the Swamp earlier to “help save her family” … then returned to attend the Rose Garden Spreader … and then infected her daughter … the one she was “trying to save.”  Lady Karma … sometimes she moves on you without even asking!

Promises Kept … Ex-governor of New Jersey Chris Christie … in the hospital after spending up-close-and-personal-time coaching The Orange One on “The-Art-of-Debate-Interruption” … also seen hugging, kissing and interrupting folks in the Rose Garden … Christie – proud owner of several co-morbidities – went directly to the hospital after testing positive.  “Karma, how I love ya, how I love ya … my dear friend Karma!”

Promises Kept … To you enabling senators and congressmen who refused to wear masks and social distance … who ignored the doctors and scientists … who schmoozed through the last 10 days cramming RBG’s replacement down our throats … how does it feel to have Lady Karma bite you on your Coronavirus ass?

Just sayin’ …

Oh S**t … it’s October again!

According to TS Eliot, April’s the cruelest month … but that’s just not true.

It’s got to be October … October’s the worst … the horrible-est … and has no redemptive value whatsoever!

It’s not because October is the harbinger of winter and all the leaves put on their last great show before a barren nothingness.

It’s not even wondering what a “Covid Trick-or-Treat” would be like.

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Instead it’s all about the invasion of “THE PUMPKIN FLAVANOIDS” … those pumpkin infused products mad-food-scientists spent another year in the top secret labs of “Big Food” developing for us to shove down our gullets!

We were happy with pumpkin flavored coffee … the first of the “Hey-let’s-add-pumpkin-to-that-and-see-if-they’ll-buy-it!” products.

Now you face a landslide of pumpkin flavored offerings … all waving their little burnt orange hands and yelling … “Pick me!  Pick me!”

It’s gotten so bad I’ve developed an emotional allergy to pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread.

I don’t give a shit if it’s from your great-great grandma’s recipe … back when she carted the damn squash from her own patch, grown from last year’s seeds … baked in the oven of a wood burning stove … “before she had ‘lectricity!”

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Lest you think I’m hyperbolating … take a quick look at what some of the pumpkin-crazed-squash-pushers foist on us.

The “I-gotta-have-this-underarm-squash-smell” … yes, you too can smell like the sweetest “pumpkin-in-the-patch” when you slather your pits with “All Natural Pumpkin Spice Latte” deodorant.

“Pumpkin Spice Fish Bait” … your man can “go pro” when he enters his next bass tournament using these pumpkin spice soaked lures … according to fishermen, “It drives those lunkers crazy!”

For the “Phideaux” in your upscale life style … make him sit and “beg” for his own “Pumpkin Cheesecake Dog Biscuits” … woof, woof, my ass!

For those of you who have a dominant Willy Wonka gene … hunt down the  latest M&M seasonal offering … the “Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M” … allegedly the nirvana for “Everyman Chocolate.”  Reported last seen on Target shelves …  “Cheap-Chocolate-Stalkers” claim it’s a “creamy coffee/mocha combo mouth blaster!”

OMG … we won WWll feeding our GI’s 150 million pounds of SPAM … what would they think if they opened that can and chomped down on “Pumpkin Spiced SPAM?”

The real junk-food-junkies … the “Twinkie Set” … enjoy their special 20-year-shelf-life-puffy-log filled with creamy pumpkin spice filling.

And for those of us who still like to wander around in an alcohol stupor … grab a bottle of one of the 20-or-so pumpkin spice vodkas … or my personal fave … Captain Morgan’s “Jack-O-Blast Rum.”

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But, the bottom line in all this … I don’t care how you dress it up … it’s still nuthin’ but a squash.

Just sayin’ …

Mm … Mm… Good! Soup gets an attitude

“Soup every day makes a super you!”

So the slogan goes.

But Trump’s put plain old everyday 1950’s styled sodium packed tasteless canned soup back on the map … and as he usually does … for all the wrong reasons.

No longer are we charmed by the “Mm … Mm … Good!” and the rosy cheeked child extolling Campbell’s soups!

Instead, now we have the President-from-Hell promoting soup as a “wartime hazard” second only to the IED’s perfected by ISIS, the Taliban and our garden variety international and domestic terrorists.

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Bags and bags of these weapons … according to our Conspiracy-Theorist-in-Chief … are launched as deadly missiles at our intrepid police … and according to Prexy Whiney-Pants they can really hurt you if you’re hit by one of them … “worse than a brick!”

Wait … have you seen the regalia these urban enforcers wear as they face-off against street anarchists?

It’s not like there’s any exposed body parts … these tough guys are hooded, shielded, helmeted, body-armored, steel-toed-jack-booted, heavily gloved, automatic weapon toting gladiators.

They’re not dressed for a “day at the beach.”

And … at least so far … the cans of soup aren’t fired from Bazookas, rocket launchers or cannons.

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According to behind-the-lines field research three major soup brands are reportedly favored by the “street thugs:”  Campbell’s for the Cammo Wearers … Progresso for the Progressives … and Chunky for NFL African-American supporters.

It’s also rumored that Jerry Seinfeld’s rushed an updated “Soup Nazi – The Mini-Series” into production … sponsored by Whole Foods/Amazon and Jeff Bezos … a real billionaire.

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Independent food chains quickly jumped in the “Soup’s On Pool” with new label lines:  Creamy Military Mushroom … Very Mussolini Minnestrone … Cobblestone & Potato Soup … Improvised Egg Drop (IED) … and, Vlad’s Ruble Red Borscht.

Since he’s sold all his bank holdings … cash rich Warren Buffet’s become a leading “Soup-vestor” and dumped his cash into canned soup.  According to Buffet, the canned soup run caused by Pandemic hoarding will be “a drop in the pan” compared to this “weaponized soup” … shelves are already looking bare.

Executors for the Andy Warhol estate have already boosted their Campbell’s art prices by 20%.  According to them … Andy’s spinning in his grave … thrilled at making money posthumously from Donald Trump’s stupidity.

It was widely known that Andy detested Trump … especially that hair!

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I sure hope these protestors are super shoppers getting all their soup on BOGO’s … or better yet buying the store brand!

Bang ‘em with the cheap stuff …

Just sayin’ …

The Winner: “There’s room in his heart …”

I’ve been searching for thoughts to magically appear … probably almost as hard as What’s-his-name’s been hoping for Corona Virus to disappear.

Thoughts that would allow me to “sail” out of the doldrums of our political malaise … like that 151 foot super-yacht that Trump’s pal Steve Bannon was pulled from.

Thoughts that would give me hope for 2020 … hope that I wasn’t gonna endorse a guy who would suffer the Irish Dream of “almost making it to the top” after 50 years in public service.

So I watched the DNC Convention and after Joe’s closing remarks where he leaned in and gave Trump the “stink eye,” I felt good that My Main Man Joe was ready to win the Septuagenarian Battle of the Century for the White House.

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When you’re looking for change that reaches from top to bottom … from gaudy-gold to tasteful-decency … sometimes you look so hard that your eyes and your brain play tricks on you.

Like we did in 2016.

But that was then … and we learned from that debacle …  “Beware of what you vote into office … you just might get what you voted for!”

This time we don’t hear folks saying … “I think I’ll give him a chance” … “He’ll grow into the job” … “He’s a business man” … “Look at all the money he’s made” … “I’m tired of all the lies coming from Washington” … “He’ll drain the swamp.”

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The RNC tried to “Out-Biden” Biden.  They wanted to beat the Dem’s “Brady Bunch” moment when one-by-one, Biden opponents came together for a “We-Love-Joe” segment.

The RNC forgot poor little victim Trumpie Boy had a built in problem with his “Love-in” … namely: “Who ya gonna call?”

Steve Bannon was eliminated when his fat ass was hauled to jail … ironically by Postal Police for mail fraud.

The gun totin’ lovin’ couple from the St. Louis Burbs … Mark & Patty McCloskey … now charged with several gun related felonies … carried Trump’s “fear torch” as if they were proudly bearing the Olympic Flame!

Rather than listen to endorsements from elected Trump Stooges … the GOP shoulda’ scooped late night WalMart shoppers to collect true Trumpers espousing their love for their TV hero.

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But no one … not another soul … could match Joe Biden’s first endorser!  Jacquelyn Asbie … the elevator security woman who told us after nominating Joe:

“Joe Biden has room in his heart for more than just himself.”

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Just sayin’ …

Moses and Peter Navarro The Ten Commandments & Executive Orders

New ground was plowed in Presidential news coverage when Trump Presidential Assistant Peter Navarro stated on “Meet the Press” “….the Lord and Founding Fathers created executive orders because of partisan bickering and divided government….”  Say what?

Before a gob smacked Chuck Todd could recover, Navarro faced the cameras saying … “Here’s a friend of mine who found himself in a similar situation when he faced bickering and divided tribal governance.

“But did he let it bother him?  Get him down?  Stop him from moving on?

“Noooo … with the help of the Lord, my ‘Main Man Moses’ produced and distributed rock solid, carved in stone, the first ever Executive Orders … AKA ‘The Ten Commandments’.”

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“Thanks, Pete,” says Moses … “Mornin’, Chuck … and hello to y’all out there in TV-Land.

“Like you, I was hung up in a never ending negotiation with a recalcitrant-immutable-stuck-in-the-desert-group of people clinging to their personal beliefs so steadfastly that we wandered for years.

“But look what came outta’ a meeting I had with The Big Guy … The Ten Commandments … right here on my clay tablet!

Let’s see how they’ve stood the “test-of-Trump.”

#1 … No other gods but me … Hmm … definitely some narcissistic slippage there.

#2 … No idols … We smashed the golden calf … we can dump that orange cow.

#3 … Take the Lord’s name in vain … the guy’s a real “potty mouth” with racist remarks about s**thole countries while mocking women!

#4 … Remember the Sabbath … C’mon Man!  “Two Corinthians?”  Don’t know “which end is up” on the Bible?  We gotta lotta work to do.

#5 … Honor your father and mother … Just read niece Mary’s new book!

#6… No murder … Not in the middle of 5th Avenue  … not even in front of Trump Tower!

#7 … No adultery … Don’t try to hide behind “paying for it isn’t ‘adultery.’”

#8 … No stealing … Do I have to repeat myself?  NO STEALING!

#9 … No false witness … For Christ’s sake … Oh, never mind … He didn’t make an appearance for these Exec Actions!  You’re at 20,000+ lies as of mid-July 2020!

#10 … Don’t covet … Not COVID … C-O-V-E-T … another one you’ve trumped all over … you don’t covet, you just grab ‘em by the p***y!

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“We call these “The Big Ten” … the earliest executive orders ever written … and the first with ‘Holy Backing’.

“And Trump, you sorry Bastard, you’ve ‘trumped’ all over ‘The First 10’!

“Get ready, Peter Navarro … the Saint you’ve been named after built his church on a rock … but you’ve been kissin’ the ass of the wrong horse in this race.”

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Just sayin’ …

“Oh … the Effing Changes we’ll make”

Rumor has it that one day in the distant future we’ll look back on our time with C-19 … and be thankful for the ways the “piece-of-shit-bastard-inconvenient-life-taking-ugly-f**king-redspiked-bloodsuckin-virus” forced us to become better people developing new talents and skills while encouraging us to form new habits that will improve our lives.

That life certainly is more exciting when everyday brings you a roller coaster ride packed with screaming anxiety as a result of governmental idiocy … angst from the threat of burning in Hell for obstructing our God-given-natural-respiratory-pathways by wearing a mask … and practicing “Satan’s Love” by social distancing!

But rather than dwelling on the negatives … let’s hop over to the “sunny side of the “Pandemic Street” and take a look at the positives that have resulted from C-19 … at least for me.

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I now have an intimate understanding of the differences in pandemic … epidemic … and endemic outbreaks.

As soon as I’m able to go to Monday Night Medical Trivia at my favorite local bar without encountering a lung eating virus … I’m putting my money on me!

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I can shop curbside for my vodka … Rani the Wonder Poodle’s favorite foods –  buffalo, rabbit, quail & pheasant … my groceries … medicines – Rani’s, too!

I’d swear that Jeff Bezos occasionally drives one of his chic Amazon Blues personally to my house and drops packages at my front door.

Thanks to a friend, I sourced a “local” alcohol based disinfectant … and it’s delivered … a beautiful, rich pleasant “mash” aromatic disinfectant distilled from her whiskey stills which have been switched to manufacture house hold disinfectants.

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I finally purchased a “smart” TV … but it’s been a challenge to get it functioning.  It’s so “smart” they don’t provide a written user’s manual … you go to their website.

When I logged on, the message was a terse “Due to COVID-19 we have no one here to assist you.  Call back later.”

But not to worry … I was able to get into one of my bazillion channels provided and can binge on Charlie Sheen … pre-drug-booze crash episodes … of “Anger Management” and “2 ½ Men.”

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The major change that we’ve built into our C-19 routine is eating at home.  Even if the little red you-know-what is somehow sent to its room quarantined for life … we will probably continue to “eat-in” for the foreseeable future.

I’ve made a discovery … we eat better, spend less and actually control our weight by not going out to eat.

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Just sayin’ …

New Writing Genre Emerges (Sprint Writing)

It’s hard to find any benefits of our COVID-19 Pandemic.

But Seriously Absurd’s research team has uncovered what appears to be a new opportunity for aspiring writers … now that they have time on their hands.

We call it … Sprint Writing** … where the writer gets to the point … nails the conclusion … then exercises a quick exit!

The explosion of “E-Tailing” … brought on by the pandemic provides the easiest and most accessible outlet for their talents.

Whether you’re buying cereal … coveted rolls of TP … or toilet plungers … you’ll find unsolicited comments that will enlighten you, delight you … and at their best, have you saying to yourself … “Shit, I wish I’d written that!”

Here’s “The Best of …”

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“Scat Talk” on Fruity Pebbles … “If you eat more than two bowls a day, it turns your poop green.”

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“TMI” on TP … “Took me 7 weeks to find toilet paper, will use both sides.”

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“Taking the Plunge” on Plungers … “Hands down the most amazing plunger I have owned. I know it is somewhat silly, but having a reliable plunger such as this becomes such a relief when the world of human waste becomes less than…well, ‘manageable.’

I promptly named mine Excalibur.”

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And … “The Pulitzer” … “Here I am in 2019 with 4 failed relationships, on the verge of 30 years old and I’ve resorted to writing a review on a toilet brush. What can I say? It’s a great toilet brush. It cleans very well, getting all the marks that are left behind after drinking too much Jack Daniels. The design of the brush is your typical looking brush with over 100,000 bristles and a handle large enough that you won’t get covered in toilet water that looks delicious to dogs but not humans.

“I thought it would be larger, kinda like I thought I’d be more successful in life than I am now. So now here I am writing metaphors while listing to Radiohead about said toilet brush.

“It seems to me that this toilet brush will last me a while. The quality is very nice and it looks appealing. Kinda makes you want to take it out to a nice meal, date it for 4 years and then have it shatter your dreams. Also, I saw some reviews about it that says it arrived broken. Mine was in perfect condition. My Amazon delivery person did a great job.

“Anyway, I doubt any of you read this.”

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His doubts were misplaced … 847 people benefited from his comment.

Just sayin’ …

** Selected by Rani … our literate “Writing Poodle” …

By Executive Order Trump Claims Vacant Presidency of Covfefe States of Amerika”

 

To solidify the “choke hold” he maintains on his political base … which now reportedly numbers into the high teens of eligible voters … Trumpel-skil-skin issued an Executive Order declaring himself the “Second President of the Covfefe States of Amerika.”

Some legal scholars cast doubt on the validity of the EO noting that it should actually read … “Confederate States of America.”

Immediately calling a “Press Scrum,” the Trumpster appeared in the Rose Garden dressed in his “General Bob E. Lee” replica Covfefe uniform … labeling them “Illegal Nay Sayers” and “Fake Legal Scholars.”

From beneath his podium he brandished a Hasbro special edition Presidential Nerf Gun and blasted the scurrying crowd with leftover D.C. pepperballs … yelling … “You people have no understanding of ‘Trum-peng-lish’ and its use as the official language of my ‘Trum-putive Orders’ … which from this point forward will replace Executive Orders.

“My ‘Trum-O’s’ … will be released via The Trump Organization’s newest subsidiary … ‘Twiddle’ … just as soon as ‘JaVanka, Inc.’ secures funding from The Vatican Bank.

Pope Frank’s assured me he wants in on the ground floor of this yuuge opportunity.”

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He went on to say this is an “ipso facto quid-pro-quo example of circular reasoning which begs the question.”

Trump:  “You tell me why I can’t appoint myself to replace Jeff Davis?”

Illegal Nay Sayer:  “Mr. President … or is it General B.E. Lee?  Why bother to replace Jefferson Davis?  He’s dead and … he was arrested for Treason.

As are all those other Confederate military officers our military camps were named after.  Are you going to change the names of those camps, sir?”

Trump:  “Next question … who let you in here?  Get him outta here.”

Fake Legal Scholar:  “As the President for the United Covfefe States, will there be a second White House at Mar-a-Lago?”

Trump:  “Another stupid question.”  The Covfefe White House will be at Trump National in Virginia.  All the Covfefe statues will be moved to the grounds of the course … it’ll be one of the most difficult courses in the country.

As soon as Flynn’s cleared … or pardoned … I’ll make it his priority to relocate the statues.  Who let you in?”

Buffalo News Reporter:  “Sir … Martin Gugino is in the hospital with brain injuries … what do you have to say about the police attacking him?”

Trump:  “He wasn’t attacked.  He attacked the police armed with a special device that resembled a piece of paper … but wasn’t.

“I’ve told my crack personal attorney and America’s Mayor … Rudy Guilianni … to defend the innocent officers viciously attacked by Gugino.   Rudy should make a bundle.

Now get that Buffalo bum outta here.”

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Too late for the 25th Amendment?

Just sayin’ …