“Oh … the Effing Changes we’ll make”

Rumor has it that one day in the distant future we’ll look back on our time with C-19 … and be thankful for the ways the “piece-of-shit-bastard-inconvenient-life-taking-ugly-f**king-redspiked-bloodsuckin-virus” forced us to become better people developing new talents and skills while encouraging us to form new habits that will improve our lives.

That life certainly is more exciting when everyday brings you a roller coaster ride packed with screaming anxiety as a result of governmental idiocy … angst from the threat of burning in Hell for obstructing our God-given-natural-respiratory-pathways by wearing a mask … and practicing “Satan’s Love” by social distancing!

But rather than dwelling on the negatives … let’s hop over to the “sunny side of the “Pandemic Street” and take a look at the positives that have resulted from C-19 … at least for me.

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I now have an intimate understanding of the differences in pandemic … epidemic … and endemic outbreaks.

As soon as I’m able to go to Monday Night Medical Trivia at my favorite local bar without encountering a lung eating virus … I’m putting my money on me!

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I can shop curbside for my vodka … Rani the Wonder Poodle’s favorite foods –  buffalo, rabbit, quail & pheasant … my groceries … medicines – Rani’s, too!

I’d swear that Jeff Bezos occasionally drives one of his chic Amazon Blues personally to my house and drops packages at my front door.

Thanks to a friend, I sourced a “local” alcohol based disinfectant … and it’s delivered … a beautiful, rich pleasant “mash” aromatic disinfectant distilled from her whiskey stills which have been switched to manufacture house hold disinfectants.

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I finally purchased a “smart” TV … but it’s been a challenge to get it functioning.  It’s so “smart” they don’t provide a written user’s manual … you go to their website.

When I logged on, the message was a terse “Due to COVID-19 we have no one here to assist you.  Call back later.”

But not to worry … I was able to get into one of my bazillion channels provided and can binge on Charlie Sheen … pre-drug-booze crash episodes … of “Anger Management” and “2 ½ Men.”

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The major change that we’ve built into our C-19 routine is eating at home.  Even if the little red you-know-what is somehow sent to its room quarantined for life … we will probably continue to “eat-in” for the foreseeable future.

I’ve made a discovery … we eat better, spend less and actually control our weight by not going out to eat.

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Just sayin’ …

New Writing Genre Emerges (Sprint Writing)

It’s hard to find any benefits of our COVID-19 Pandemic.

But Seriously Absurd’s research team has uncovered what appears to be a new opportunity for aspiring writers … now that they have time on their hands.

We call it … Sprint Writing** … where the writer gets to the point … nails the conclusion … then exercises a quick exit!

The explosion of “E-Tailing” … brought on by the pandemic provides the easiest and most accessible outlet for their talents.

Whether you’re buying cereal … coveted rolls of TP … or toilet plungers … you’ll find unsolicited comments that will enlighten you, delight you … and at their best, have you saying to yourself … “Shit, I wish I’d written that!”

Here’s “The Best of …”

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“Scat Talk” on Fruity Pebbles … “If you eat more than two bowls a day, it turns your poop green.”

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“TMI” on TP … “Took me 7 weeks to find toilet paper, will use both sides.”

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“Taking the Plunge” on Plungers … “Hands down the most amazing plunger I have owned. I know it is somewhat silly, but having a reliable plunger such as this becomes such a relief when the world of human waste becomes less than…well, ‘manageable.’

I promptly named mine Excalibur.”

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And … “The Pulitzer” … “Here I am in 2019 with 4 failed relationships, on the verge of 30 years old and I’ve resorted to writing a review on a toilet brush. What can I say? It’s a great toilet brush. It cleans very well, getting all the marks that are left behind after drinking too much Jack Daniels. The design of the brush is your typical looking brush with over 100,000 bristles and a handle large enough that you won’t get covered in toilet water that looks delicious to dogs but not humans.

“I thought it would be larger, kinda like I thought I’d be more successful in life than I am now. So now here I am writing metaphors while listing to Radiohead about said toilet brush.

“It seems to me that this toilet brush will last me a while. The quality is very nice and it looks appealing. Kinda makes you want to take it out to a nice meal, date it for 4 years and then have it shatter your dreams. Also, I saw some reviews about it that says it arrived broken. Mine was in perfect condition. My Amazon delivery person did a great job.

“Anyway, I doubt any of you read this.”

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His doubts were misplaced … 847 people benefited from his comment.

Just sayin’ …

** Selected by Rani … our literate “Writing Poodle” …

By Executive Order Trump Claims Vacant Presidency of Covfefe States of Amerika”

 

To solidify the “choke hold” he maintains on his political base … which now reportedly numbers into the high teens of eligible voters … Trumpel-skil-skin issued an Executive Order declaring himself the “Second President of the Covfefe States of Amerika.”

Some legal scholars cast doubt on the validity of the EO noting that it should actually read … “Confederate States of America.”

Immediately calling a “Press Scrum,” the Trumpster appeared in the Rose Garden dressed in his “General Bob E. Lee” replica Covfefe uniform … labeling them “Illegal Nay Sayers” and “Fake Legal Scholars.”

From beneath his podium he brandished a Hasbro special edition Presidential Nerf Gun and blasted the scurrying crowd with leftover D.C. pepperballs … yelling … “You people have no understanding of ‘Trum-peng-lish’ and its use as the official language of my ‘Trum-putive Orders’ … which from this point forward will replace Executive Orders.

“My ‘Trum-O’s’ … will be released via The Trump Organization’s newest subsidiary … ‘Twiddle’ … just as soon as ‘JaVanka, Inc.’ secures funding from The Vatican Bank.

Pope Frank’s assured me he wants in on the ground floor of this yuuge opportunity.”

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He went on to say this is an “ipso facto quid-pro-quo example of circular reasoning which begs the question.”

Trump:  “You tell me why I can’t appoint myself to replace Jeff Davis?”

Illegal Nay Sayer:  “Mr. President … or is it General B.E. Lee?  Why bother to replace Jefferson Davis?  He’s dead and … he was arrested for Treason.

As are all those other Confederate military officers our military camps were named after.  Are you going to change the names of those camps, sir?”

Trump:  “Next question … who let you in here?  Get him outta here.”

Fake Legal Scholar:  “As the President for the United Covfefe States, will there be a second White House at Mar-a-Lago?”

Trump:  “Another stupid question.”  The Covfefe White House will be at Trump National in Virginia.  All the Covfefe statues will be moved to the grounds of the course … it’ll be one of the most difficult courses in the country.

As soon as Flynn’s cleared … or pardoned … I’ll make it his priority to relocate the statues.  Who let you in?”

Buffalo News Reporter:  “Sir … Martin Gugino is in the hospital with brain injuries … what do you have to say about the police attacking him?”

Trump:  “He wasn’t attacked.  He attacked the police armed with a special device that resembled a piece of paper … but wasn’t.

“I’ve told my crack personal attorney and America’s Mayor … Rudy Guilianni … to defend the innocent officers viciously attacked by Gugino.   Rudy should make a bundle.

Now get that Buffalo bum outta here.”

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Too late for the 25th Amendment?

Just sayin’ …

The eyes of Texas are upon you … Trump finally gets his “wall” … and his “street”

In today’s crazy, chaotic times we don’t have to look far or wide or hard to uncover “The Stupids.”  They pop right out from under their rocks with no provocation whatsoever.

The only state that can rival Flori-duh for the sheer stupidity of its citizenry and its governance is … you guessed it … Texas.

This week … “The TX GOP Stupid Virus-2020 (TGSV-2020)” … spread faster than its viral cousin … COVID-19!

Friday morning TGSV-2020 started when 5 Texas County GOP Chairs faced backlash for their racist FB posts concerning conspiracy theories calling the murder of George Floyd … a “staged event” financed by their favorite Anti-Semitic liberal whipping boy … George Soros.

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By Friday afternoon, news sources reported that TGSV-2020 had spread to a total of 12 County GOP Chairs who had posted or shared the same or similar FB memes.

The outcry from GOP “Leadership (duh!) … was quick and based on their stupidity, demanded resignations from the “offenders.”

To date … none of the Chairs has resigned … none of the senior GOP Party officials who initially registered shock over the post and called for the resignations … has responded further.

It’s as if they’re wiping their hands as they walk away saying … “My work here is done … my hands are clean … my soul is pure.”

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Desperate times call for desperate measures … and our newly crowned “Law-&-Order-Reincarnation-of-President-Nixon” has finally built his fence.

Mexico is not paying for it … we are … and it will not keep our borders safe.

It might help him feel less “fraidy-scared of the big-bad-protesters yelling ugly truths at him” … it looks like a Costco purchase delivered in sections tied together with plastic zip ties … no doubt “Made in China!”

White House Police could be heard chanting from behind it … “Built that wall!  Built that wall!”

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Meanwhile … the Democratic Mayor of D.C. … Muriel Bowser … had the last word in the battle for control of the D.C. streets.

Refusing to be intimidated by diving helicopters … snorting mounted police steeds … unidentified para-military strongmen … Mayor Bowser brazenly changed the name of a section of 16th Street and Lafayette Square to “Black Lives Matter Plaza!

She boldly ordered city construction crews to paint the protest slogan in “Yuuge & Biggly Traffic Yellow” letters leading to the entrance of the White House.

That section of 16th Street now bears the motto …

“Black Lives Matter!”

Just sayin’ …

Pandemic Ads … and a Huge WTF?

I’m sorry … but if I hear one more US company lecture me in their TV spot that “We’re all in this together” … AND “We’ve got your back” … I’m gonna “Full Elvis” my TV.

Blam-blam-blam … right thru the flat screen!

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There’re lots of reasons I want this pile of “pandem-ic-shit” to end.

Number One is … the end of 1,000’s of deaths … then there’s our own “Special-Needs-Waddling-Kinda-Talking-Covid-19” Donald Trump Pet haunting us 24-7.

The possibility that our Hydroxi-Moron-in-Chief has no idea of what to do or the will to defeat this “Silent Enemy” is another.

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But, please Clio Gods of the advertising world … spare us the daily MadAve horse hockey dump!

Telling us “we’re all in this together” is blatant hypocrisy … especially if we’re pushed to use our personally stamped Donald Trump Pandemic Relief Check toward the purchase of your 2020 Kia Sorrento.

At this point, I’d rather subject myself to those ASPCA tortured puppy ads … brought to me by that heart breaker … Sarah MacLachlan … than face the totally specious COVID-19 messages trotted in front of me by auto manufacturers … and that Blue Bear Family wiping their fuzzy asses with super soft Charmin … who also BTW claim to have my “Back-Side.”

Don’t get me wrong … I got nothing against Kia … and in fact I kinda like fuzzy bears.  But tying them to this C-19 nightmare … and telling me “we’re all in this together?”

C’mon, Man!

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If it’s not the ads … every day we’re reminded by the pundits “We’re in uncharted waters” … but the closest water near me is my backyard pool … and I’m pretty sure it’s charted … at least for tax purposes.

If that’s not a problem … we’re also told “We’re facing a tsunami” … and the recovery won’t be some “V-shaped quick-fix chart” … but a rather long-slow-up-and-down-recurring-problem-mapping-will-this-ever-end-mega-situation.

Then here’s the killer … “Don’t Touch Your Face!”

According to medical researchers … on average I probably touch my face 16X per hour.  Given I have the attention span of a gnat … I’m sure I’m off the chart on that “touch scale.”

So let’s settle on 20X … which would be 480X a day.

My reaction?  It’s gotta be way more than that!

So I sure hope they’re right that wearing a mask actually keeps your from touching your face … ’cause I need “biggly” help!

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Where will all this end?

I actually miss the drug ads with their “you could die” side effects … the most hated insurance company spots … Progressive and Flo … Geico and their Aussie Lizard … and that stupid-f**king-image-pecking-Emu from Liberty Mutual!

Just sayin’ …

Fauci & Birx … in talks to return for your viewing pleasure

As soon as Tony Fauci and Debi Birx heard the White House pulled the plug on “The Donald Showcases COVID-19” … they entered into high level discussions of their own to launch a science based new “docu-series” … “Pandemic Rapid Response: Fauci & Birx.”

According to a major network … Fauci & Birx made themselves available when the Donald Trump Coronovirius Task Force released them from their daily appearance obligations … known in The West Wing circles as “The Donald Beats COVID-19 Staged Show.”

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A West Wing spokes person refused to point to the show’s ratings free fall as the reason it was canceled.  The fact that viewership crashed right after The Donald started hogging the spotlight with his “mega-pearances” was also denied.

The anonymous source blamed the two doctors indicating “they just simply didn’t have the star power needed to keep pace with The Donald’s demands.”

According to The Donald … he wants a more dynamic-duo to move into the Fauci/Birx vacant slot … Drs. Phil & Oz are rumored “to have that inside track!”

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The Fauci/Birx new docu-series format will showcase C-19 “Hotspots” throughout the US.

Given the COVID cases recently infecting two White House staffers and nary a mask to be found in the West Wing … the show’s premier might feature the Offal Office.

Fauci and Birx assure viewers that real science and fact based evidence will form the basis for each show.  We won’t take our material from use of infrared lights shoved up patient’s butts … Clorox Cocktails … Voodoo, Witch Doctors … or the now infamous “Plandemic video” … exposed on the Internet as “Fake Medicine.”

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Cameo appearances by some of TV’s most loved doctors will add star power to the Docu-series.

Scheduled for the first show is Hugh Laurie … of “House” fame … recreating his role as an acerbic infectious disease expert whose brutal honesty and antisocial tendencies make it hard to determine medical truth from fiction!

Look for stars from other highly rated “TV Doc Shows” to beg their own cameo appearances.

Hmmm … maybe shows like “Doogie Howser” … “Doctor Who” …  and, the eternal “General Hospital?”

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Word behind the scenes is that Tony and Debi will also schedule “real-life docs” based on their own years of successful hand-to-hand-combat in the infectious disease field.

This could be a “case where truth is stranger than fiction” … if it only could be our reality!

Just sayin’ …

Trumphernalia Gone Wild

We all know that Trump L-O-V-E-S to put his name on virtually everything that doesn’t move … and on some things that do.

But there are some seriously absurd “Trumphernalia” we’ve found that we could NOT believe and we just had to share them with you.

So here are some of our faves …

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“The Jesse James Collection – 45’s for the 45th” … stainless steel, hand tooled engraved with Trumphernalia … 24 karat gold plating and wood inlay from one of George Washington’s original chestnut trees.

James … a Celebrity Apprentice Reality Star was quoted … “I hope he uses it as a negotiation tool … you know, just casually pull it out and lay it on the desk, ‘Have you seen my Jesse James pistol?’”

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“The Donald Trump blow up sex doll” … created by Syrian-born artist Saint Hoax in response to Trump’s threat to deport all Syrian refugees coming to the US.

According to Saint Hoax … proceeds from his Donald Trump Sex Doll will be used for emergency relief for Syrian refugees stranded throughout the world.

BTW … it’s life size … complete with itty-bitty appendages … and like him it’s cheap … at only $39.

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Presidential Commemorative Medals … in sheer numbers, Trump has made a mockery of Presidential Medals for sale through the White House Gift Shop.

Like the raving narcissist he is, he’s prone to commemorate all his acts … even each time he takes a dump!

One of the recent Com-Medals offered depicts the Trump impeachment trial … though it prominently emphasizes the words “Acquitted” and “Exonerated.”

Prospective buyers are urged to … “Commemorate the acquittal of President Donald Trump from all impeachment charges with this blazing medal of gleaming silver.”

After you’ve puked your breakfast … you might want to use your Master Card to purchase his latest Com-Medal … issued just a few days ago extolling Trump’s latest political win … his victory over Coronovirus!

This medal absurdly celebrates Trump’s “heroic victorious efforts to fight coronovirus” … which still numbers 30,000 +/- new cases daily and kills approximately 2,000 US souls every day.

I can hear him now shouting Mussolini-like from the White House balcony … “Cheer up … we got ‘em right where we want ‘em!

“Are you tired of winning yet?”

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Just sayin’ …

 

The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower

Don’t know about you, but I’m having real trouble keeping up with that moron who has taken up residence in our White House.

I started three hilarious blogs this week that crashed and burned … all   because the dumb f**ker had to retract what he said, did, or lied about.

I think we’re in a rapid cycling manic mode where he changes the news before we at Seriously Absurd can make fun of it.

But just so you won’t lose faith in me … I’ve come up with my latest in cocktail creations … “The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower.”

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It’s made from common household ingredients … mainly because I don’t know of a single household that doesn’t have vodka in it!

You will need to add your own personal UV lamp as a part of your bar accessories.  Surprisingly, they’re very easy to attain … even Wayfair has ‘em.

Choose from 109,000,000 offerings in .64 seconds thanks to the “Magic of Dr. Google.”

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For best results you’ll need …

Yuuge etched Trump Profile glass

Biggly Red-White & Blue USA Stainless Steel Shaker

New-to-the-market Presidential Seal Anti-viral Disinfectant … choose from lemon/lime, strawberry or Concord grape flavor … 2 ounces

2020 Trump Keep America Great 80 proof made in China potato vodka … 3 ounces

Juice from ½ lime … drop crushed lime in glass

Top with a splash of Trump Kosher Seltzer imported from Bebe’s Beverages, Israel

Place glass with all ingredients under UV light for at least 15 minutes

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Add crushed ice … and shake thoroughly … pour into your Trump Profile glass … serve with a Trump MAGA straw.

If you live to talk about it … call me.

Just sayin’ …

Stage Right … TV Docs to the Rescue

“Heigh-Ho … heigh ho … it’s ‘off to work’ we go ….” At least some US citizens have had enough of this COVID-Crap and are lined up … ready and willing … to return to thrills of the workplace.

It makes you wonder … are they more willing to face the spiky little viral terminator … or, the forever wait for promised relief that the Trump Administration has so far royally f**ked up and underfunded.

And if our “self-proclaimed-feudal-king” has his way … we’ll be off to work sooner than later … so he can claim “the fastest, biggest, best, most successful ever pandemic-recovery-in-the-history-of-our-country!”

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To Hell with the fact that unless you’re already in the hospital being treated for C-19 … a celebrity or a politician … we have no clue who really has it … who doesn’t have it … and who doesn’t know whether or not he has it.

Who needs a pesky test to determine whether you’re a “wandering, globulating COVID-Carl or COVID Carol” … that’s just more “science gobbledygook!”

You’ll be at work … side-by-side … cubicle-by-cubicle … if some of you drop dead and/or infect others … so what?  People die every day and we don’t shut down!

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Besides the only way Trump thinks he can win re-election and stay out of prison … is by jump starting “his economy.”

Remember his original campaign rally cry?  “You’re gonna be so, so tired of winning … all this winning!”

Now even Trumpty-Dumpty knows it’s a hu-u-uge stretch to declare he’s winning the economic battle when we have fewer jobs than we had before our last “Great Recession” … which OMG was pre-Obama!

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To bolster his “Call to Work,” Dumpty-Trumpty arm twisted his two Reality TV Doctors to offer their “medical” opinions on the matter.

Enter stage “Right” … the Chief Medical Ass Kissers … Doctors Oz & Phil … longtime sufferers from “Celebrity Foot-n-mouth Disease.”

Oz at least wears a stethoscope and has an MD.

Dr. Phil bolstered his heartfelt care for our citizens when he declared that we tolerate the tragedies of auto accidents & swimming pool deaths and “don’t shut down our country.”

Dr. Oz … echoing his own high level of insensitivity … said schools are wonderful places for our kids to get a head start in life … and if we’re only losing 2-3% of them … it might “be worth the tradeoff.”

Hey Docs … sign me up for an appointment … can’t wait for you to prescribe a “ration of compassion” … what caring thoughtful people you are … NOT!

Just sayin’ …

PSST! … Wanna know where all the toilet paper went?

Mari recently burst into my “Nothing Room” destroying the brilliance of a very serious think tank session I was having with myself.

Reconvened in the Bored Room, she announced that amidst this CoronaPlague-19 … medical science just explained the reason we have a severe toilet paper shortage!

It’s not because we suddenly and senselessly started wadding-and-wiping.  “IT’S BECAUSE EVERYONE’S CRAPPING AT HOME … IN THEIR OWN TOILETS!”

Listen-up!

One of the primary reasons we send adults and kids off to work and school is because they enjoy one of America’s greatest “freebies” … FREE TOILET PAPER!

For most Americans in school or at work … that’s a dump-a-day … maybe more.

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Now don’t go crazy and send your little munchkins to the neighbor’s house to crap and use their toilet paper … thinking you’re gonna solve this “non-shortage.”

That’s not gonna work.

The “Issue-of-our-Tissue” is we have rolls of TP where we don’t need them … and empty shelves where we need TP.

Stop and think my little grasshopper … where is all that abandoned toilet paper we’re not using?

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If we want to “Restore the TP Roll to its Rightful Role” … we need to take advantage of “The Great American Shutdown!”

Armed with an Executive Order, The Trumpmeister must demand that businesses surrender their vacant-in-house-shitter-TP-supply … and similarly … an armed Betsy DeVoss must storm the supply closets of America’s shuttered school buildings  … and confiscate all the paper designed for kid-butts!

DeVoss … taking lessons from Kellyanne Conway as Chief-Trump-Ass-Kisser … has already commandeered school security guard forces to gain access to the schools’ TP supplies.

El Presidente ordered his Head Henchman, William Barr, to make TP Policing the Justice Department’s top priority prosecuting every American corporation that dared not cooperate with the “TP Search & Seizure Executive Order.”

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Leaked White House plans show prototype rolls “rewrapped” … without additional charge to consumers …  as “COVID-19-MAGA-RED-WRAP-ROLLS.”  MAGA Reds will soon hit store shelves … from the Atlantic to the Pacific … from Canada to Mexico.

Talk about televised “Prime Time Rallies” … plans for each rally call for “Trump MAGA Roll Lobs” into his rabidly screaming crowds.

When asked about the efficacy of “Safe Social Distancing” at Trump Rallies … one merry rally goer shouted … “The onliest ‘F’ I know is ‘F**k COVID-19’ … Ah got mah own MAGA Red TP … signed by thu ‘Man hizzelf … what else do ah need?’”

It reeks of Ratings!

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Just sayin’ …