“Soup every day makes a super you!”

So the slogan goes.

But Trump’s put plain old everyday 1950’s styled sodium packed tasteless canned soup back on the map … and as he usually does … for all the wrong reasons.

No longer are we charmed by the “Mm … Mm … Good!” and the rosy cheeked child extolling Campbell’s soups!

Instead, now we have the President-from-Hell promoting soup as a “wartime hazard” second only to the IED’s perfected by ISIS, the Taliban and our garden variety international and domestic terrorists.

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Bags and bags of these weapons … according to our Conspiracy-Theorist-in-Chief … are launched as deadly missiles at our intrepid police … and according to Prexy Whiney-Pants they can really hurt you if you’re hit by one of them … “worse than a brick!”

Wait … have you seen the regalia these urban enforcers wear as they face-off against street anarchists?

It’s not like there’s any exposed body parts … these tough guys are hooded, shielded, helmeted, body-armored, steel-toed-jack-booted, heavily gloved, automatic weapon toting gladiators.

They’re not dressed for a “day at the beach.”

And … at least so far … the cans of soup aren’t fired from Bazookas, rocket launchers or cannons.

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According to behind-the-lines field research three major soup brands are reportedly favored by the “street thugs:”  Campbell’s for the Cammo Wearers … Progresso for the Progressives … and Chunky for NFL African-American supporters.

It’s also rumored that Jerry Seinfeld’s rushed an updated “Soup Nazi – The Mini-Series” into production … sponsored by Whole Foods/Amazon and Jeff Bezos … a real billionaire.

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Independent food chains quickly jumped in the “Soup’s On Pool” with new label lines:  Creamy Military Mushroom … Very Mussolini Minnestrone … Cobblestone & Potato Soup … Improvised Egg Drop (IED) … and, Vlad’s Ruble Red Borscht.

Since he’s sold all his bank holdings … cash rich Warren Buffet’s become a leading “Soup-vestor” and dumped his cash into canned soup.  According to Buffet, the canned soup run caused by Pandemic hoarding will be “a drop in the pan” compared to this “weaponized soup” … shelves are already looking bare.

Executors for the Andy Warhol estate have already boosted their Campbell’s art prices by 20%.  According to them … Andy’s spinning in his grave … thrilled at making money posthumously from Donald Trump’s stupidity.

It was widely known that Andy detested Trump … especially that hair!

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I sure hope these protestors are super shoppers getting all their soup on BOGO’s … or better yet buying the store brand!

Bang ‘em with the cheap stuff …

Just sayin’ …

I’ve been searching for thoughts to magically appear … probably almost as hard as What’s-his-name’s been hoping for Corona Virus to disappear.

Thoughts that would allow me to “sail” out of the doldrums of our political malaise … like that 151 foot super-yacht that Trump’s pal Steve Bannon was pulled from.

Thoughts that would give me hope for 2020 … hope that I wasn’t gonna endorse a guy who would suffer the Irish Dream of “almost making it to the top” after 50 years in public service.

So I watched the DNC Convention and after Joe’s closing remarks where he leaned in and gave Trump the “stink eye,” I felt good that My Main Man Joe was ready to win the Septuagenarian Battle of the Century for the White House.

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When you’re looking for change that reaches from top to bottom … from gaudy-gold to tasteful-decency … sometimes you look so hard that your eyes and your brain play tricks on you.

Like we did in 2016.

But that was then … and we learned from that debacle …  “Beware of what you vote into office … you just might get what you voted for!”

This time we don’t hear folks saying … “I think I’ll give him a chance” … “He’ll grow into the job” … “He’s a business man” … “Look at all the money he’s made” … “I’m tired of all the lies coming from Washington” … “He’ll drain the swamp.”

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The RNC tried to “Out-Biden” Biden.  They wanted to beat the Dem’s “Brady Bunch” moment when one-by-one, Biden opponents came together for a “We-Love-Joe” segment.

The RNC forgot poor little victim Trumpie Boy had a built in problem with his “Love-in” … namely: “Who ya gonna call?”

Steve Bannon was eliminated when his fat ass was hauled to jail … ironically by Postal Police for mail fraud.

The gun totin’ lovin’ couple from the St. Louis Burbs … Mark & Patty McCloskey … now charged with several gun related felonies … carried Trump’s “fear torch” as if they were proudly bearing the Olympic Flame!

Rather than listen to endorsements from elected Trump Stooges … the GOP shoulda’ scooped late night WalMart shoppers to collect true Trumpers espousing their love for their TV hero.

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But no one … not another soul … could match Joe Biden’s first endorser!  Jacquelyn Asbie … the elevator security woman who told us after nominating Joe:

“Joe Biden has room in his heart for more than just himself.”

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Just sayin’ …

New ground was plowed in Presidential news coverage when Trump Presidential Assistant Peter Navarro stated on “Meet the Press” “….the Lord and Founding Fathers created executive orders because of partisan bickering and divided government….”  Say what?

Before a gob smacked Chuck Todd could recover, Navarro faced the cameras saying … “Here’s a friend of mine who found himself in a similar situation when he faced bickering and divided tribal governance.

“But did he let it bother him?  Get him down?  Stop him from moving on?

“Noooo … with the help of the Lord, my ‘Main Man Moses’ produced and distributed rock solid, carved in stone, the first ever Executive Orders … AKA ‘The Ten Commandments’.”

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“Thanks, Pete,” says Moses … “Mornin’, Chuck … and hello to y’all out there in TV-Land.

“Like you, I was hung up in a never ending negotiation with a recalcitrant-immutable-stuck-in-the-desert-group of people clinging to their personal beliefs so steadfastly that we wandered for years.

“But look what came outta’ a meeting I had with The Big Guy … The Ten Commandments … right here on my clay tablet!

Let’s see how they’ve stood the “test-of-Trump.”

#1 … No other gods but me … Hmm … definitely some narcissistic slippage there.

#2 … No idols … We smashed the golden calf … we can dump that orange cow.

#3 … Take the Lord’s name in vain … the guy’s a real “potty mouth” with racist remarks about s**thole countries while mocking women!

#4 … Remember the Sabbath … C’mon Man!  “Two Corinthians?”  Don’t know “which end is up” on the Bible?  We gotta lotta work to do.

#5 … Honor your father and mother … Just read niece Mary’s new book!

#6… No murder … Not in the middle of 5^th Avenue  … not even in front of Trump Tower!

#7 … No adultery … Don’t try to hide behind “paying for it isn’t ‘adultery.’”

#8 … No stealing … Do I have to repeat myself?  NO STEALING!

#9 … No false witness … For Christ’s sake … Oh, never mind … He didn’t make an appearance for these Exec Actions!  You’re at 20,000+ lies as of mid-July 2020!

#10 … Don’t covet … Not COVID … C-O-V-E-T … another one you’ve trumped all over … you don’t covet, you just grab ‘em by the p***y!

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“We call these “The Big Ten” … the earliest executive orders ever written … and the first with ‘Holy Backing’.

“And Trump, you sorry Bastard, you’ve ‘trumped’ all over ‘The First 10’!

“Get ready, Peter Navarro … the Saint you’ve been named after built his church on a rock … but you’ve been kissin’ the ass of the wrong horse in this race.”

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Just sayin’ …

Rumor has it that one day in the distant future we’ll look back on our time with C-19 … and be thankful for the ways the “piece-of-shit-bastard-inconvenient-life-taking-ugly-f**king-redspiked-bloodsuckin-virus” forced us to become better people developing new talents and skills while encouraging us to form new habits that will improve our lives.

That life certainly is more exciting when everyday brings you a roller coaster ride packed with screaming anxiety as a result of governmental idiocy … angst from the threat of burning in Hell for obstructing our God-given-natural-respiratory-pathways by wearing a mask … and practicing “Satan’s Love” by social distancing!

But rather than dwelling on the negatives … let’s hop over to the “sunny side of the “Pandemic Street” and take a look at the positives that have resulted from C-19 … at least for me.

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I now have an intimate understanding of the differences in pandemic … epidemic … and endemic outbreaks.

As soon as I’m able to go to Monday Night Medical Trivia at my favorite local bar without encountering a lung eating virus … I’m putting my money on me!

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I can shop curbside for my vodka … Rani the Wonder Poodle’s favorite foods –  buffalo, rabbit, quail & pheasant … my groceries … medicines – Rani’s, too!

I’d swear that Jeff Bezos occasionally drives one of his chic Amazon Blues personally to my house and drops packages at my front door.

Thanks to a friend, I sourced a “local” alcohol based disinfectant … and it’s delivered … a beautiful, rich pleasant “mash” aromatic disinfectant distilled from her whiskey stills which have been switched to manufacture house hold disinfectants.

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I finally purchased a “smart” TV … but it’s been a challenge to get it functioning.  It’s so “smart” they don’t provide a written user’s manual … you go to their website.

When I logged on, the message was a terse “Due to COVID-19 we have no one here to assist you.  Call back later.”

But not to worry … I was able to get into one of my bazillion channels provided and can binge on Charlie Sheen … pre-drug-booze crash episodes … of “Anger Management” and “2 ½ Men.”

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The major change that we’ve built into our C-19 routine is eating at home.  Even if the little red you-know-what is somehow sent to its room quarantined for life … we will probably continue to “eat-in” for the foreseeable future.

I’ve made a discovery … we eat better, spend less and actually control our weight by not going out to eat.

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Just sayin’ …

It’s hard to find any benefits of our COVID-19 Pandemic.

But Seriously Absurd’s research team has uncovered what appears to be a new opportunity for aspiring writers … now that they have time on their hands.

We call it … Sprint Writing** … where the writer gets to the point … nails the conclusion … then exercises a quick exit!

The explosion of “E-Tailing” … brought on by the pandemic provides the easiest and most accessible outlet for their talents.

Whether you’re buying cereal … coveted rolls of TP … or toilet plungers … you’ll find unsolicited comments that will enlighten you, delight you … and at their best, have you saying to yourself … “Shit, I wish I’d written that!”

Here’s “The Best of …”

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“Scat Talk” on Fruity Pebbles … “If you eat more than two bowls a day, it turns your poop green.”

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“TMI” on TP … “Took me 7 weeks to find toilet paper, will use both sides.”

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“Taking the Plunge” on Plungers … “Hands down the most amazing plunger I have owned. I know it is somewhat silly, but having a reliable plunger such as this becomes such a relief when the world of human waste becomes less than…well, ‘manageable.’

I promptly named mine Excalibur.”

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And … “The Pulitzer” … “Here I am in 2019 with 4 failed relationships, on the verge of 30 years old and I’ve resorted to writing a review on a toilet brush. What can I say? It’s a great toilet brush. It cleans very well, getting all the marks that are left behind after drinking too much Jack Daniels. The design of the brush is your typical looking brush with over 100,000 bristles and a handle large enough that you won’t get covered in toilet water that looks delicious to dogs but not humans.

“I thought it would be larger, kinda like I thought I’d be more successful in life than I am now. So now here I am writing metaphors while listing to Radiohead about said toilet brush.

“It seems to me that this toilet brush will last me a while. The quality is very nice and it looks appealing. Kinda makes you want to take it out to a nice meal, date it for 4 years and then have it shatter your dreams. Also, I saw some reviews about it that says it arrived broken. Mine was in perfect condition. My Amazon delivery person did a great job.

“Anyway, I doubt any of you read this.”

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His doubts were misplaced … 847 people benefited from his comment.

Just sayin’ …

** Selected by Rani … our literate “Writing Poodle” …

To solidify the “choke hold” he maintains on his political base … which now reportedly numbers into the high teens of eligible voters … Trumpel-skil-skin issued an Executive Order declaring himself the “Second President of the Covfefe States of Amerika.”

Some legal scholars cast doubt on the validity of the EO noting that it should actually read … “Confederate States of America.”

Immediately calling a “Press Scrum,” the Trumpster appeared in the Rose Garden dressed in his “General Bob E. Lee” replica Covfefe uniform … labeling them “Illegal Nay Sayers” and “Fake Legal Scholars.”

From beneath his podium he brandished a Hasbro special edition Presidential Nerf Gun and blasted the scurrying crowd with leftover D.C. pepperballs … yelling … “You people have no understanding of ‘Trum-peng-lish’ and its use as the official language of my ‘Trum-putive Orders’ … which from this point forward will replace Executive Orders.

“My ‘Trum-O’s’ … will be released via The Trump Organization’s newest subsidiary … ‘Twiddle’ … just as soon as ‘JaVanka, Inc.’ secures funding from The Vatican Bank.

Pope Frank’s assured me he wants in on the ground floor of this yuuge opportunity.”

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He went on to say this is an “ipso facto quid-pro-quo example of circular reasoning which begs the question.”

Trump:  “You tell me why I can’t appoint myself to replace Jeff Davis?”

Illegal Nay Sayer:  “Mr. President … or is it General B.E. Lee?  Why bother to replace Jefferson Davis?  He’s dead and … he was arrested for Treason.

As are all those other Confederate military officers our military camps were named after.  Are you going to change the names of those camps, sir?”

Trump:  “Next question … who let you in here?  Get him outta here.”

Fake Legal Scholar:  “As the President for the United Covfefe States, will there be a second White House at Mar-a-Lago?”

Trump:  “Another stupid question.”  The Covfefe White House will be at Trump National in Virginia.  All the Covfefe statues will be moved to the grounds of the course … it’ll be one of the most difficult courses in the country.

As soon as Flynn’s cleared … or pardoned … I’ll make it his priority to relocate the statues.  Who let you in?”

Buffalo News Reporter:  “Sir … Martin Gugino is in the hospital with brain injuries … what do you have to say about the police attacking him?”

Trump:  “He wasn’t attacked.  He attacked the police armed with a special device that resembled a piece of paper … but wasn’t.

“I’ve told my crack personal attorney and America’s Mayor … Rudy Guilianni … to defend the innocent officers viciously attacked by Gugino.   Rudy should make a bundle.

Now get that Buffalo bum outta here.”

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Too late for the 25^th Amendment?

Just sayin’ …

In today’s crazy, chaotic times we don’t have to look far or wide or hard to uncover “The Stupids.”  They pop right out from under their rocks with no provocation whatsoever.

The only state that can rival Flori-duh for the sheer stupidity of its citizenry and its governance is … you guessed it … Texas.

This week … “The TX GOP Stupid Virus-2020 (TGSV-2020)” … spread faster than its viral cousin … COVID-19!

Friday morning TGSV-2020 started when 5 Texas County GOP Chairs faced backlash for their racist FB posts concerning conspiracy theories calling the murder of George Floyd … a “staged event” financed by their favorite Anti-Semitic liberal whipping boy … George Soros.

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By Friday afternoon, news sources reported that TGSV-2020 had spread to a total of 12 County GOP Chairs who had posted or shared the same or similar FB memes.

The outcry from GOP “Leadership (duh!) … was quick and based on their stupidity, demanded resignations from the “offenders.”

To date … none of the Chairs has resigned … none of the senior GOP Party officials who initially registered shock over the post and called for the resignations … has responded further.

It’s as if they’re wiping their hands as they walk away saying … “My work here is done … my hands are clean … my soul is pure.”

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Desperate times call for desperate measures … and our newly crowned “Law-&-Order-Reincarnation-of-President-Nixon” has finally built his fence.

Mexico is not paying for it … we are … and it will not keep our borders safe.

It might help him feel less “fraidy-scared of the big-bad-protesters yelling ugly truths at him” … it looks like a Costco purchase delivered in sections tied together with plastic zip ties … no doubt “Made in China!”

White House Police could be heard chanting from behind it … “Built that wall!  Built that wall!”

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Meanwhile … the Democratic Mayor of D.C. … Muriel Bowser … had the last word in the battle for control of the D.C. streets.

Refusing to be intimidated by diving helicopters … snorting mounted police steeds … unidentified para-military strongmen … Mayor Bowser brazenly changed the name of a section of 16^th Street and Lafayette Square to “Black Lives Matter Plaza!

She boldly ordered city construction crews to paint the protest slogan in “Yuuge & Biggly Traffic Yellow” letters leading to the entrance of the White House.

That section of 16^th Street now bears the motto …

“Black Lives Matter!”

Just sayin’ …

I’m sorry … but if I hear one more US company lecture me in their TV spot that “We’re all in this together” … AND “We’ve got your back” … I’m gonna “Full Elvis” my TV.

Blam-blam-blam … right thru the flat screen!

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There’re lots of reasons I want this pile of “pandem-ic-shit” to end.

Number One is … the end of 1,000’s of deaths … then there’s our own “Special-Needs-Waddling-Kinda-Talking-Covid-19” Donald Trump Pet haunting us 24-7.

The possibility that our Hydroxi-Moron-in-Chief has no idea of what to do or the will to defeat this “Silent Enemy” is another.

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But, please Clio Gods of the advertising world … spare us the daily MadAve horse hockey dump!

Telling us “we’re all in this together” is blatant hypocrisy … especially if we’re pushed to use our personally stamped Donald Trump Pandemic Relief Check toward the purchase of your 2020 Kia Sorrento.

At this point, I’d rather subject myself to those ASPCA tortured puppy ads … brought to me by that heart breaker … Sarah MacLachlan … than face the totally specious COVID-19 messages trotted in front of me by auto manufacturers … and that Blue Bear Family wiping their fuzzy asses with super soft Charmin … who also BTW claim to have my “Back-Side.”

Don’t get me wrong … I got nothing against Kia … and in fact I kinda like fuzzy bears.  But tying them to this C-19 nightmare … and telling me “we’re all in this together?”

C’mon, Man!

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If it’s not the ads … every day we’re reminded by the pundits “We’re in uncharted waters” … but the closest water near me is my backyard pool … and I’m pretty sure it’s charted … at least for tax purposes.

If that’s not a problem … we’re also told “We’re facing a tsunami” … and the recovery won’t be some “V-shaped quick-fix chart” … but a rather long-slow-up-and-down-recurring-problem-mapping-will-this-ever-end-mega-situation.

Then here’s the killer … “Don’t Touch Your Face!”

According to medical researchers … on average I probably touch my face 16X per hour.  Given I have the attention span of a gnat … I’m sure I’m off the chart on that “touch scale.”

So let’s settle on 20X … which would be 480X a day.

My reaction?  It’s gotta be way more than that!

So I sure hope they’re right that wearing a mask actually keeps your from touching your face … ’cause I need “biggly” help!

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Where will all this end?

I actually miss the drug ads with their “you could die” side effects … the most hated insurance company spots … Progressive and Flo … Geico and their Aussie Lizard … and that stupid-f**king-image-pecking-Emu from Liberty Mutual!

Just sayin’ …