Pandemic Ads … and a Huge WTF?

I’m sorry … but if I hear one more US company lecture me in their TV spot that “We’re all in this together” … AND “We’ve got your back” … I’m gonna “Full Elvis” my TV.

Blam-blam-blam … right thru the flat screen!

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There’re lots of reasons I want this pile of “pandem-ic-shit” to end.

Number One is … the end of 1,000’s of deaths … then there’s our own “Special-Needs-Waddling-Kinda-Talking-Covid-19” Donald Trump Pet haunting us 24-7.

The possibility that our Hydroxi-Moron-in-Chief has no idea of what to do or the will to defeat this “Silent Enemy” is another.

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But, please Clio Gods of the advertising world … spare us the daily MadAve horse hockey dump!

Telling us “we’re all in this together” is blatant hypocrisy … especially if we’re pushed to use our personally stamped Donald Trump Pandemic Relief Check toward the purchase of your 2020 Kia Sorrento.

At this point, I’d rather subject myself to those ASPCA tortured puppy ads … brought to me by that heart breaker … Sarah MacLachlan … than face the totally specious COVID-19 messages trotted in front of me by auto manufacturers … and that Blue Bear Family wiping their fuzzy asses with super soft Charmin … who also BTW claim to have my “Back-Side.”

Don’t get me wrong … I got nothing against Kia … and in fact I kinda like fuzzy bears.  But tying them to this C-19 nightmare … and telling me “we’re all in this together?”

C’mon, Man!

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If it’s not the ads … every day we’re reminded by the pundits “We’re in uncharted waters” … but the closest water near me is my backyard pool … and I’m pretty sure it’s charted … at least for tax purposes.

If that’s not a problem … we’re also told “We’re facing a tsunami” … and the recovery won’t be some “V-shaped quick-fix chart” … but a rather long-slow-up-and-down-recurring-problem-mapping-will-this-ever-end-mega-situation.

Then here’s the killer … “Don’t Touch Your Face!”

According to medical researchers … on average I probably touch my face 16X per hour.  Given I have the attention span of a gnat … I’m sure I’m off the chart on that “touch scale.”

So let’s settle on 20X … which would be 480X a day.

My reaction?  It’s gotta be way more than that!

So I sure hope they’re right that wearing a mask actually keeps your from touching your face … ’cause I need “biggly” help!

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Where will all this end?

I actually miss the drug ads with their “you could die” side effects … the most hated insurance company spots … Progressive and Flo … Geico and their Aussie Lizard … and that stupid-f**king-image-pecking-Emu from Liberty Mutual!

Just sayin’ …

Trumphernalia Gone Wild

We all know that Trump L-O-V-E-S to put his name on virtually everything that doesn’t move … and on some things that do.

But there are some seriously absurd “Trumphernalia” we’ve found that we could NOT believe and we just had to share them with you.

So here are some of our faves …

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“The Jesse James Collection – 45’s for the 45th” … stainless steel, hand tooled engraved with Trumphernalia … 24 karat gold plating and wood inlay from one of George Washington’s original chestnut trees.

James … a Celebrity Apprentice Reality Star was quoted … “I hope he uses it as a negotiation tool … you know, just casually pull it out and lay it on the desk, ‘Have you seen my Jesse James pistol?’”

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“The Donald Trump blow up sex doll” … created by Syrian-born artist Saint Hoax in response to Trump’s threat to deport all Syrian refugees coming to the US.

According to Saint Hoax … proceeds from his Donald Trump Sex Doll will be used for emergency relief for Syrian refugees stranded throughout the world.

BTW … it’s life size … complete with itty-bitty appendages … and like him it’s cheap … at only $39.

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Presidential Commemorative Medals … in sheer numbers, Trump has made a mockery of Presidential Medals for sale through the White House Gift Shop.

Like the raving narcissist he is, he’s prone to commemorate all his acts … even each time he takes a dump!

One of the recent Com-Medals offered depicts the Trump impeachment trial … though it prominently emphasizes the words “Acquitted” and “Exonerated.”

Prospective buyers are urged to … “Commemorate the acquittal of President Donald Trump from all impeachment charges with this blazing medal of gleaming silver.”

After you’ve puked your breakfast … you might want to use your Master Card to purchase his latest Com-Medal … issued just a few days ago extolling Trump’s latest political win … his victory over Coronovirus!

This medal absurdly celebrates Trump’s “heroic victorious efforts to fight coronovirus” … which still numbers 30,000 +/- new cases daily and kills approximately 2,000 US souls every day.

I can hear him now shouting Mussolini-like from the White House balcony … “Cheer up … we got ‘em right where we want ‘em!

“Are you tired of winning yet?”

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Just sayin’ …

 

The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower

Don’t know about you, but I’m having real trouble keeping up with that moron who has taken up residence in our White House.

I started three hilarious blogs this week that crashed and burned … all   because the dumb f**ker had to retract what he said, did, or lied about.

I think we’re in a rapid cycling manic mode where he changes the news before we at Seriously Absurd can make fun of it.

But just so you won’t lose faith in me … I’ve come up with my latest in cocktail creations … “The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower.”

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It’s made from common household ingredients … mainly because I don’t know of a single household that doesn’t have vodka in it!

You will need to add your own personal UV lamp as a part of your bar accessories.  Surprisingly, they’re very easy to attain … even Wayfair has ‘em.

Choose from 109,000,000 offerings in .64 seconds thanks to the “Magic of Dr. Google.”

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For best results you’ll need …

Yuuge etched Trump Profile glass

Biggly Red-White & Blue USA Stainless Steel Shaker

New-to-the-market Presidential Seal Anti-viral Disinfectant … choose from lemon/lime, strawberry or Concord grape flavor … 2 ounces

2020 Trump Keep America Great 80 proof made in China potato vodka … 3 ounces

Juice from ½ lime … drop crushed lime in glass

Top with a splash of Trump Kosher Seltzer imported from Bebe’s Beverages, Israel

Place glass with all ingredients under UV light for at least 15 minutes

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Add crushed ice … and shake thoroughly … pour into your Trump Profile glass … serve with a Trump MAGA straw.

If you live to talk about it … call me.

Just sayin’ …

Stage Right … TV Docs to the Rescue

“Heigh-Ho … heigh ho … it’s ‘off to work’ we go ….” At least some US citizens have had enough of this COVID-Crap and are lined up … ready and willing … to return to thrills of the workplace.

It makes you wonder … are they more willing to face the spiky little viral terminator … or, the forever wait for promised relief that the Trump Administration has so far royally f**ked up and underfunded.

And if our “self-proclaimed-feudal-king” has his way … we’ll be off to work sooner than later … so he can claim “the fastest, biggest, best, most successful ever pandemic-recovery-in-the-history-of-our-country!”

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To Hell with the fact that unless you’re already in the hospital being treated for C-19 … a celebrity or a politician … we have no clue who really has it … who doesn’t have it … and who doesn’t know whether or not he has it.

Who needs a pesky test to determine whether you’re a “wandering, globulating COVID-Carl or COVID Carol” … that’s just more “science gobbledygook!”

You’ll be at work … side-by-side … cubicle-by-cubicle … if some of you drop dead and/or infect others … so what?  People die every day and we don’t shut down!

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Besides the only way Trump thinks he can win re-election and stay out of prison … is by jump starting “his economy.”

Remember his original campaign rally cry?  “You’re gonna be so, so tired of winning … all this winning!”

Now even Trumpty-Dumpty knows it’s a hu-u-uge stretch to declare he’s winning the economic battle when we have fewer jobs than we had before our last “Great Recession” … which OMG was pre-Obama!

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To bolster his “Call to Work,” Dumpty-Trumpty arm twisted his two Reality TV Doctors to offer their “medical” opinions on the matter.

Enter stage “Right” … the Chief Medical Ass Kissers … Doctors Oz & Phil … longtime sufferers from “Celebrity Foot-n-mouth Disease.”

Oz at least wears a stethoscope and has an MD.

Dr. Phil bolstered his heartfelt care for our citizens when he declared that we tolerate the tragedies of auto accidents & swimming pool deaths and “don’t shut down our country.”

Dr. Oz … echoing his own high level of insensitivity … said schools are wonderful places for our kids to get a head start in life … and if we’re only losing 2-3% of them … it might “be worth the tradeoff.”

Hey Docs … sign me up for an appointment … can’t wait for you to prescribe a “ration of compassion” … what caring thoughtful people you are … NOT!

Just sayin’ …

PSST! … Wanna know where all the toilet paper went?

Mari recently burst into my “Nothing Room” destroying the brilliance of a very serious think tank session I was having with myself.

Reconvened in the Bored Room, she announced that amidst this CoronaPlague-19 … medical science just explained the reason we have a severe toilet paper shortage!

It’s not because we suddenly and senselessly started wadding-and-wiping.  “IT’S BECAUSE EVERYONE’S CRAPPING AT HOME … IN THEIR OWN TOILETS!”

Listen-up!

One of the primary reasons we send adults and kids off to work and school is because they enjoy one of America’s greatest “freebies” … FREE TOILET PAPER!

For most Americans in school or at work … that’s a dump-a-day … maybe more.

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Now don’t go crazy and send your little munchkins to the neighbor’s house to crap and use their toilet paper … thinking you’re gonna solve this “non-shortage.”

That’s not gonna work.

The “Issue-of-our-Tissue” is we have rolls of TP where we don’t need them … and empty shelves where we need TP.

Stop and think my little grasshopper … where is all that abandoned toilet paper we’re not using?

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If we want to “Restore the TP Roll to its Rightful Role” … we need to take advantage of “The Great American Shutdown!”

Armed with an Executive Order, The Trumpmeister must demand that businesses surrender their vacant-in-house-shitter-TP-supply … and similarly … an armed Betsy DeVoss must storm the supply closets of America’s shuttered school buildings  … and confiscate all the paper designed for kid-butts!

DeVoss … taking lessons from Kellyanne Conway as Chief-Trump-Ass-Kisser … has already commandeered school security guard forces to gain access to the schools’ TP supplies.

El Presidente ordered his Head Henchman, William Barr, to make TP Policing the Justice Department’s top priority prosecuting every American corporation that dared not cooperate with the “TP Search & Seizure Executive Order.”

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Leaked White House plans show prototype rolls “rewrapped” … without additional charge to consumers …  as “COVID-19-MAGA-RED-WRAP-ROLLS.”  MAGA Reds will soon hit store shelves … from the Atlantic to the Pacific … from Canada to Mexico.

Talk about televised “Prime Time Rallies” … plans for each rally call for “Trump MAGA Roll Lobs” into his rabidly screaming crowds.

When asked about the efficacy of “Safe Social Distancing” at Trump Rallies … one merry rally goer shouted … “The onliest ‘F’ I know is ‘F**k COVID-19’ … Ah got mah own MAGA Red TP … signed by thu ‘Man hizzelf … what else do ah need?’”

It reeks of Ratings!

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Just sayin’ …

Finally … Proof that Women are NOT “the Weaker Sex”

We now have definitive proof that men … not women … are the weaker sex.

Suck-it-up Fellow-Buttercups … thanks to COVID-19 we men now face the proverbial … “Houston we have a problem!”

COVID-19 is kicking male-butt up to twice as often as females’ and … unlike our White House Leader … the numbers don’t lie!

It’s true.

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We’ll rule out that the gnarly little virus is gender specific.

But then … we do have to face that men actually may be that stupid when it comes to rules, laws, requirements … or maybe even suggestions about … their behavior?

Hmmm … let’s start with some basics.

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When is 6’ really 6’?

Ask any man and he’ll emphatically show you his idea of 6 inches!

But when we switch to “feet” … men suddenly become brain dead … and 6’ becomes 3’!

The CDC … and virtually every medical professional in the US, states that to help avoid COVID-19 we must keep 6’ apart in social situations!

But can men do that … Hell, no!

Just as they can’t tell the difference between 6” and 3” … the poor bastards can’t tell the difference between 6’ and 3’.

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Let’s look at time … just as with inches and feet … men are hopeless when it comes to time measurements.

Example … “Whatya mean that was only two minutes?”

If we’re gonna apply the sex reference to washing hands … most men think 20 seconds is a f**king eternity.

Whatya mean I need to sing “Happy Birthday” twice … or Queen’s “We will rock you …” or, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star a couple of times?

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Let’s look at another important task … gassing up the car.

For sure you don’t want to touch the filthy COVID-19 gas pump handle.

So … armed with Handi Wipes, I set out to do the “male thing” and went to RaceTrac.  Don’t even ask why I didn’t bring gloves!

Have you ever tried to wrap an effing Handi Wipe around the handle of a gas pump?

Don’t bother.  It will take you 15 minutes to accomplish a 3-minute task!  Remember … take a GLOVE … and USE IT!

Unless you’re still waiting for your backorder!

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Folks … the problem is simple.

It’s not COVID-19 … it’s that we’re asking men to change their habits … and for the first time it really matters.

How hard can it be to admit and accept that we’re not immortal … that we might not be “right” … that we probably should change our behavior?

Evidently … pretty damn hard … because we’re catching and dying from COVID-19 at a way higher rate than women.

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So … maybe the real question is … “Why do we bother to challenge women when they really do know how measurements & time work?”

Just sayin’ …

 

Hand Washing & Logic 101

Okay class … today we learn how to wash our hands.  Everyone … step-up to your sink and sing with me.

“This is the way we wash our hands,
Wash our hands, wash our hands.
This is the way we wash our hands
So early in the morning.”

Now let’s all shout out a great big “Thank you” to … Mother Goose!

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Even Sesame Street celebrates National Hand Washing Awareness Week … which if you missed the Sesame Street culture, takes place the first week of December.

Raya & Elmo demonstrate proper hand washing to preschoolers … but now we need  preschoolers to give the big kids and adults a refresher course!

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True to our country’s basic panic mentality, we’ve cleared America’s retail shelves of Purell, private label hand sanitizers … and all alcohol … as in Rubbing and Isopropyl.

And a new breed of “Purell Pirates” has cornered the market … so they can sell it through Amazon and EBay at “ransom level prices.”

Twenty bucks per bottle anyone?

Hell … that gives new meaning to Vulture Capitalism!

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But … you have to give consumers credit … they’re always one step ahead of retailers.

Faced with vacant Purell shelves … some consumers applied creative, but  warped logic to the situation … and are using Tito’s.

Follow their thread … “Handmade vodka … no Purell … coronavirus scare … ergo, it’s alcohol-and-hands … what the Hell?”

But Tito’s takes this seriously … if not a bit absurdly.

With each Twittersphere mention of using Tito’s precious “handmade vodka” as a hand sanitizer … instead of a Moscow Mule … which I personally think is a waste of even bad vodka … Tito’s launches a Tweet reply:

“…. per the CDC, the alcohol carrier in a sanitizer must be a minimum 60% alcohol … Tito’s sadly, is only 40% … and while remarkably drinkable … should not be wasted as a sanitizer.”

These the same “Stupids” who refused to drink Corona Beer because of Coronavirus … and cost that company over $170,000,000 in profits?

Now they’ve linked “Handmade Tito’s” to a sanitizer to kill coronavirus germs?

Seems that Forrest Gump’s mama was right …  “Stupid is as stupid does.”

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Meanwhile the Seriously Absurd staff and our standard poodle, Rani, have scouted the ‘hood in hopes of finding young entrepreneurs who dumped the “All-American Lemonade Stand” for the much more lucrative “Hand Sanitizer Stand.”

But alas … no entrepreneurs occupy that income stream.  We surmised their allowances were too high … and “their entrepreneurial spark of poverty” had been killed.

Look for the Girl Scouts to fill that void with a “Cool Mint Chocolate Sanitizer!”

Just sayin’ …

“I like my Corona with a slice of truth … not lime!”

“Hi … Tony Romo, former quarterback in the NFL … here on the beach under my Corona umbrella enjoying the sun, the sand, the waves, and my Corona … with a slice of lime.

“We’re offering special pricing today because crazy Americans think they’re protecting themselves from the ‘Coronavirus’ … by not drinking Corona beer!”

In a recent poll, 38% of beer swillers nationwide have totally sworn off Corona fearing they will contract the virus.  AB InBev, owner of the Corona brand, has lost $170 million in profits to date.

Advice released from President Trump … “I’m the King of Branding … I think those Corona guys need to make their beer more patriotic … they need Tom Brady to join their team for a newer more patriotic beer … ‘Brady Beer.’  Screw Romo … he was always a loser!”

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“Hi … Ling Lang Lee here in San Francisco’s China Town … standing in front of my vacant Chinese restaurant ready to serve incredible and healthy food at deep discount prices … because you crazy people think I’m spreading the ‘Coronavirus’ serving you egg rolls and General Tsao’s chicken … both of which are totally American rip-offs of Chinese food.

“There’s nothing from China in any of our authentic Chinese dishes … our foods are totally ‘dog-free.’

All of our cooks and wait staff are at least 3rd generation American citizens.  They think there really was a General Tsao.”

President Trump has thrown his full weight … uhoh … behind this appeal to support America’s Chinese ghettos.

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“Hi … Detective Joe Friday … in LA with a special Public Service Announcement

“The latest batch of Angel Dust flooding the streets of Hollywood is contaminated with Coronavirus.

“If you bring your stash to the West Hollywood station … we’ll be glad to take it off your hands  … no questions asked.  If you feel uncomfortable bringing your dope to the station … give us your address and we’ll come right over.  Do the right thing!”

It’s rumored that President Trump has nominated the entire West LA Police Department for a Medal of Freedom Award stating … “They stand proudly with Rush Limbaugh.”

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“Good evening … this is your President speaking … you’ve got nothing to fear but fear itself.  I’ve launched an all out Twitter Assault guaranteed to destroy this Corona-beery-thingie.

“I’ve also appointed my favorite ass kisser, Vice President Mike Pence, to head my Coronovirus Task Force.

I alone will make sure no one from my administration makes any statement that in any way contradicts what I say about this strain of flu … which is little more than a common cold.”

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Me … ?  I’m stickin’ with a slice of truth in my Corona.

Just sayin’ …

What do Super Bowl LIV & V-Day have in common? (More than you might think, Grasshopper)

Status

V-Day’s come and gone … behind it a wake of poorly-expressed-proclamations-of-undying-love … half-eaten-past-code-date-chocolates … deflated balloons … and discarded-super-market-flowers … flown-in-from-god-knows-where.

For many, this V-Day exchange is a “sexual quid-pro-quo” … which loosely means an “exchange of favors” … “You get this and I get laid!”

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Also come-and-gone … Super Bowl LIV.

That would be “54” for those who had trouble with “quid-pro-quo” … and you thought Latin was a “dead language!”

Both of these “non-holiday-holidays” have one thing in common … at least in the eyes of some in our population.

That common bond?  A “mega-sex” event … with a special thanks to the last Super Bowl halftime “show-all!”

That Nanosecond glimpse of the uncovered Janet Jackson boob … Super Bowl XXXVIII (38 for Latin illiterates) … caused weeks of Christian teeth gnashing … and a direct “perp-walk-to-Hell” … for Janet.

Flash forward 16 years (XXXVIII + XVI = LIV) … many of the fine-Fundamentalist-Evangelical ladies and gentlemen who … instead of beating a path to bathrooms for a halftime pee … tuned into the halftime J. Lo and Shakira extravaganza.

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No matter their show was hyped relentlessly for weeks ahead of the big game.

No matter the music, costumes, staging, dancing … and what you called “soft porn” … were splashed on screens in your homes on endless pre-broadcast promotional streams.

These two leading female Latina entertainers crashed the alleged “virginal sanctity” of your living room … thus creating a major Christian backlash about “sexploitation” … of your 13 year olds.

OMG … Those two Latinas rolled on the ground … rubbed against ropes seductively … rubbed their legs together … and for God’s sake, rubbed their crotches!

By 2025 we’ll probably have orgies on stage!

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Did you forget when it was …

“OMG Martha … “Thank God the bottom of the TV screen’s blacked out … that Devil’s Spawn Elvis’s wiggling again!”

OMG Martha … “Look at those long haired British boys … they’re poisoning our minds!”

OMG Martha … “That Rapper just grabbed his crotch!”

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Your kids see T&A everywhere … at the beaches … at high school events … movies … music videos … teen beauty pageants … competitive cheer leading … gymnastics and swim meets … all the TV shows you think you chip-blocked.

There’s and entire aisle in your grocery store dedicated to sexual innuendo … they’re called greeting cards!

And now at MAGA rallies …

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Just sayin’ …

“Who needs the Ruskies when we have the Iowans?”

If the Dems start in Iowa is any indication of how we’re gonna “fight” the 2020 version of GOP electoral criminals … our call to arms probably should be … “Hey, General Custer, where’d all these f**kin’ Indians come from?”

Iowa is the 2020 anchor around our neck because DNC Leaders didn’t have the guts to say to Iowa’s State Democratic Party … “You can’t be first … New Hampshire’s first … you gotta have a stand-in-line-and-vote ‘f**king primary’ just like everybody else!

“Hiram & Ethel’s barn as a caucus site is not in the picture for 2020 ‘cause we ain’t havin’ an Iowa Caucus … so get over it!”

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And if we really wanted to keep Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, WikiLeaks and/or Trump’s-300-pound-Cheeto-eating-basement-dwelling-Incel-hackers away from our election(s) … we’d follow Oregon’s lead and switchover immediately to paper ballot-vote-by-mail … convenient drop boxes … rescued by a “low tech wave” instead of screwed by a “high tech disaster” … which wasn’t even “test driven.”

For cripes sake … even Elon Musk tests his “dreams” before they become realities!

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Now that the Iowa electoral ox is outta the barn … everyone’s sayin’ “this caucus thing is a cute quaint tradition … but it does nothing but make it harder for people to vote.”

Duuh!  Where were you 20:20 hind-sighters when way before the Hillary-Bernie- tragi-comedy-of-errors … the DNC begged caucus states to switch to a primary?

All we heard from you was wa-wa-wa … whine-whine-whine.

At least the folks who will continue with caucuses in 2020 … there are a few who insist … are NOT using the Shadow, Inc. “chip” … the one currently blamed for the Iowa debacle.

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Consider these factors …

What happened to the value of a “secret ballot?”  In today’s political climate of internet bullying, physical threats, property damage, wanton thugery … who looks forward to facing more public abuse when voting?

Since when was it politically smart to launch a Democratic presidential primary campaign in a state that is 91% white … and packed with Progressives?  Shouldn’t we consider a launch in a state more closely resembling our party voter population?

If we’re desperately trying to increase voter turnout … why make it harder to vote?  If we’re not … then just re-instate the poll tax … at least the state will rake in some more money.

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And … did no one think about this?

Since Iowa was the victim of a “technical-digital-electronic-glitch” … maybe we just needed to “unplug Iowa … count to 30 … and plug Iowa back in.”

Just sayin’ …