What do Super Bowl LIV & V-Day have in common? (More than you might think, Grasshopper)

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V-Day’s come and gone … behind it a wake of poorly-expressed-proclamations-of-undying-love … half-eaten-past-code-date-chocolates … deflated balloons … and discarded-super-market-flowers … flown-in-from-god-knows-where.

For many, this V-Day exchange is a “sexual quid-pro-quo” … which loosely means an “exchange of favors” … “You get this and I get laid!”

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Also come-and-gone … Super Bowl LIV.

That would be “54” for those who had trouble with “quid-pro-quo” … and you thought Latin was a “dead language!”

Both of these “non-holiday-holidays” have one thing in common … at least in the eyes of some in our population.

That common bond?  A “mega-sex” event … with a special thanks to the last Super Bowl halftime “show-all!”

That Nanosecond glimpse of the uncovered Janet Jackson boob … Super Bowl XXXVIII (38 for Latin illiterates) … caused weeks of Christian teeth gnashing … and a direct “perp-walk-to-Hell” … for Janet.

Flash forward 16 years (XXXVIII + XVI = LIV) … many of the fine-Fundamentalist-Evangelical ladies and gentlemen who … instead of beating a path to bathrooms for a halftime pee … tuned into the halftime J. Lo and Shakira extravaganza.

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No matter their show was hyped relentlessly for weeks ahead of the big game.

No matter the music, costumes, staging, dancing … and what you called “soft porn” … were splashed on screens in your homes on endless pre-broadcast promotional streams.

These two leading female Latina entertainers crashed the alleged “virginal sanctity” of your living room … thus creating a major Christian backlash about “sexploitation” … of your 13 year olds.

OMG … Those two Latinas rolled on the ground … rubbed against ropes seductively … rubbed their legs together … and for God’s sake, rubbed their crotches!

By 2025 we’ll probably have orgies on stage!

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Did you forget when it was …

“OMG Martha … “Thank God the bottom of the TV screen’s blacked out … that Devil’s Spawn Elvis’s wiggling again!”

OMG Martha … “Look at those long haired British boys … they’re poisoning our minds!”

OMG Martha … “That Rapper just grabbed his crotch!”

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Your kids see T&A everywhere … at the beaches … at high school events … movies … music videos … teen beauty pageants … competitive cheer leading … gymnastics and swim meets … all the TV shows you think you chip-blocked.

There’s and entire aisle in your grocery store dedicated to sexual innuendo … they’re called greeting cards!

And now at MAGA rallies …

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Just sayin’ …

“Who needs the Ruskies when we have the Iowans?”

If the Dems start in Iowa is any indication of how we’re gonna “fight” the 2020 version of GOP electoral criminals … our call to arms probably should be … “Hey, General Custer, where’d all these f**kin’ Indians come from?”

Iowa is the 2020 anchor around our neck because DNC Leaders didn’t have the guts to say to Iowa’s State Democratic Party … “You can’t be first … New Hampshire’s first … you gotta have a stand-in-line-and-vote ‘f**king primary’ just like everybody else!

“Hiram & Ethel’s barn as a caucus site is not in the picture for 2020 ‘cause we ain’t havin’ an Iowa Caucus … so get over it!”

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And if we really wanted to keep Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, WikiLeaks and/or Trump’s-300-pound-Cheeto-eating-basement-dwelling-Incel-hackers away from our election(s) … we’d follow Oregon’s lead and switchover immediately to paper ballot-vote-by-mail … convenient drop boxes … rescued by a “low tech wave” instead of screwed by a “high tech disaster” … which wasn’t even “test driven.”

For cripes sake … even Elon Musk tests his “dreams” before they become realities!

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Now that the Iowa electoral ox is outta the barn … everyone’s sayin’ “this caucus thing is a cute quaint tradition … but it does nothing but make it harder for people to vote.”

Duuh!  Where were you 20:20 hind-sighters when way before the Hillary-Bernie- tragi-comedy-of-errors … the DNC begged caucus states to switch to a primary?

All we heard from you was wa-wa-wa … whine-whine-whine.

At least the folks who will continue with caucuses in 2020 … there are a few who insist … are NOT using the Shadow, Inc. “chip” … the one currently blamed for the Iowa debacle.

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Consider these factors …

What happened to the value of a “secret ballot?”  In today’s political climate of internet bullying, physical threats, property damage, wanton thugery … who looks forward to facing more public abuse when voting?

Since when was it politically smart to launch a Democratic presidential primary campaign in a state that is 91% white … and packed with Progressives?  Shouldn’t we consider a launch in a state more closely resembling our party voter population?

If we’re desperately trying to increase voter turnout … why make it harder to vote?  If we’re not … then just re-instate the poll tax … at least the state will rake in some more money.

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And … did no one think about this?

Since Iowa was the victim of a “technical-digital-electronic-glitch” … maybe we just needed to “unplug Iowa … count to 30 … and plug Iowa back in.”

Just sayin’ …

“Trumpography” … his world really is flat

Fact checking the daily-hourly-minute-by-minute displays of ignorance emanating from our “Rent-A-President” and his gang of Flat Earth governing imposters has become a fulltime job.

Last week … Flat Earth worshippers let out a “Whoop” when “Trumpography” reared its ugly alternative-fact head in the US State Department.

Mike Pompeo … current Bozo of State … sandbagged a leading NPR radio reporter … Mary Louise Kelly … with a private pop quiz on Eastern European geography.

Matching his West Point Military Map Reading course against her master’s degree from Cambridge in European studies … he demanded she locate Ukraine using an unmarked map … no Alexa … no world atlas … not even a AAA Trip-Tik.

Then with his trademark s**t-eating-chauvinistic-know-it-all-sneer … he publically trashed Kelly … implying she’d pointed to Bangladesh.

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January 2020 … At a rally in Atlanta using his own special Trumpography skills … our “Bet-you-can’t-guess-what-I’m-gonna-say-now-leader revealed that Belgium and Brussels were interchangeable as city-and-country … depending on whether Brussels is a “hellhole” or “Belgium a beautiful city.”

Belgium has never been a city … and no world leaders … as well as most 7th graders … have ever confused Brussels the city with Belgium the country.

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October 2017 … During his state visit, India’s prime minister … expressed concern to our “Font-of-Geographical-Ignorance” about China’s activities in the region.

The Font’s response?

“It’s not like you’ve got China on your border” … responded our very own contemporary Marco Polo … completely unaware of India’s existing 2,500+ mile border with China.

At least he didn’t add … “I can get Mexico to pay for your wall if you want to keep out ‘disease-infested-drug-smuggling-murdering-rapist Chinese immigrants.’”

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October 2019 … OK OK … it’s a big world with a lotta countries.

But what about USA Trumpography?  Surely our Dumb F**k President knows about the America he’s busily “Making Great Again?”

Guess again, Frodo!

In PA at a rally … he talks about how we’re gonna win New Mexico by building a wall on the NM border … then adds we’re building a big beautiful wall in Colorado, too … a wall no one can get over or under.

But don’t worry … just to reveal his infinite Trumpographical knowledge … he adds that we’re NOT building a wall in Kansas.

Aaah Trumpography … simply a stunning example of the power you wield when you have such a complete grasp of Trumpographic Alternative Facts.

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Just sayin’ …

Thank the gods … “THE Season” is almost over!

“THE Season?”  What “Season” are you squawking about?  Winter?  Xmas?  That’s done and gone.

We’re way beyond wishing friends and neighbors “Happy New Year!”

What “Season?”

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The “Diet Season” … it starts every January and it’s the source of major guilt for 365 days.

It’s also the season we start … only to end quicker than any other.  It’s the one we swear to keep … for an entire year!  Not!  Nope!  Never gonna happen!

It’s just a matter of how quickly we can ditch it.

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At Seriously Absurd Mount Dora headquarters we’ve decided to help you with the base stupidity of our national pledge to shed those pounds … flatten those tummies … develop at least one can of those six-pack abs!

We’ve found the worst … the craziest … the dumbest of the diets you should never pledge to keep … or even try.

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#1 … Any nutrition info suggested by Gwyneth Paltrow … Beyonce … Big Butted Kardashians … or those who advise you while sucking-on-a-biodegradable-straw-in-a-fresh-lemon-juice-concoction-in-a-reusable-bottle-while-driving-their-Prius-to-their-private-Yoga-session.

#2 … Anything using the name-title-phrase or hint of … “The Tape Worm Diet.”  Yep … it’s real … and some crazy folks try it.

You don’t have to swallow the worm … just the egg.  Then kickback and experience a 50% … or more nutrient/food loss … while your pet worm grows.

If you’re crazy enough to try this … you might not want to peek at the enhanced microscopic photos of the “Alien-esque” worm hooked to your digestive system.  Scaaaary!

#3 … The Fabulous Ms. M (Marilyn Monroe) started her day … unless she was with JFK … with two whipped eggs coddled in warm milk … skipped her lunch assuming she was still with JFK … and had an evening meal of broiled meat and five carrots.  Nothing was said about cocktails … or portion control … for the “Fabulous Ms. M.”

Lady Gaga allegedly starts her day with two jars of Gerber baby foods … that’s breakfast and lunch … and finishes with a “normal well balanced” dinner.

I say she should stay on Gerber but move to “stage three Gerber Chewables” for dinner.  Why ruin a good thing … especially since Gerber Chewables pair well with most $200 bottles of red!

Then there’s always the “Sirt Food” plan … it starts with a well balanced red wine and dark chocolate … followed by a bunch of s**t no one’s interested in.

It appears that there really is something for everyone … in the Wild West World of Diets.

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Just sayin’ …

New Year’s Resolutions … Stop the Insanity!

Every year millions of Americans set themselves up for abject failure … self- loathing … self-hate.

Then they spend countless dollars trying to fix their screwed up psyches as they return to their favorite “couch consultants” to repair their broken lives.

And their major complaint?

“Why … why … can’t I keep a few simple resolutions beyond the first month of the New Year?”

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Well listen to me my “little-chickadees-of-life” … read on as I spill the secret to reclamation and endless happiness so you won’t slog and trudge through 2020.

Here’s the pathway to achieve your dream of keeping three of the most popular resolutions.

MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION YOU CAN KEEP!

Here’s my “K-I-S-S” list to jumpstart your 2020 success.

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Diet … Diet-Schmiet.  Laugh in the face of Marie Osmond!

No way she looks that good … has lost that much weight eating shit food mailed to her by Nutrisystem!

Save your money.  Walk away from the stress.  All you need to do is make one simple adjustment in your life!

In a word … Velcro!

Buy Velcro shoes … No more grunting … huffing … muttering while you try to tie shoelaces that remind you you’re still carrying the weight you swore you’d lose 10 years ago!

Slap and go with … “Guilt Free Velcro!”

Velcro solved my problem … and, it can work for you!

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Exercise … Exercise Schmex-ercise.  The worst invention in the world was the guilt inducing pedometer!

As we age, our aches, cramps and muscle twitches occur all night.  That’s an extra 7-8 hours of muscle activity.  We stumble to the bathroom every night to pee … most of us more than once!

Don’t lose valuable “steps” … convert that muscle activity … those tosses and turns.  Wear your spunky pedometer 24-7 and capture those previously uncounted calories.

Remember … steps = weight loss!

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Stressed?  Stress-schmess!

Return your home to those happy-carefree days … when your living room was for living … not stressing … avoiding disasters like murder and mayhem.

Bring back your happy-go-lucky past.  “Seinfeld” works as you laugh about nothing.

“Friends” and their happy times in Central Perks … no one ever dies!

Morality tales?  “Mayberry RFD” … see how “black-and-white” morality issues can be as Andy … a single father … raises Opie.

And, don’t forget “Perry Mason” … the bad guy’s always caught … found guilty …  and confesses.

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That’s three of my EZ to keep New Year’s Resolutions … cost free … guaranteed to “keep you off the “Freud-Couch.”

Feel good about yourself … you can thank me later!

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Just sayin’ …

“Dear Santa” … 2019

Dear Santa,

I was just wondering … did you and Jesus hang out with each other when you were kids … even though Jesus was a Jew?

I’ve been studying all about Jesus in Sunday school and they tell me to believe in Him.  But when I tell them I believe in you … my Sunday school teacher gives me this weird look … and, doesn’t say anything.

I dunno.  Both of you have magical powers … and you both do nice things for people.

As for magic … Jesus had it goin’ for Him.  They say He fed a ton of people on a loaf of bread and a few pieces of farm raised catfish.  And, there was that one dead dude … Lazarus … and Jesus made him come back alive … which was way cool.

I think He may have tricked His disciples when He did the “walking-on-the-water” thing.  But that’s okay.

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I know you have that sleigh … those reindeer … can fly all over the entire world … but Jesus walked everywhere … or rode a donkey.

You have an army of elves helping you … but He only had twelve guys helping him.

They say Jesus lives in a place called “heaven” … and knows everything about us … whether we’re good or bad.  You live in the North Pole … and know whether we’ve been naughty or nice.  Is that the same thing?

They wrote a book about each of you.  Yours is a lot shorter and easier to read.

Yours truly …

Peter Paul Joseph

P.S. – I think I like you better even though you both wear weird clothes … at least you bring me toys.

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Dear PPJ,

Isn’t your house the one built on a rock?  I think I remember that one … you have a really cool chimney … easy to go down and get back up!   

Nah … I didn’t hang with Jesus when he was a kid … he was a little before me so I didn’t get to know him.  

I heard he was a pretty cool dude.

He was young when he chased those bankers out of what was then called “Wall Street.”  We could sure use a guy like Him now.  It seems that everyone who believes in Him nowadays also believes in money … war … and being mean to poor people.

Pretty stupid if you ask me.

BTW … I didn’t see a list with your letter.  If not, it’ll just be potluck for you … I just grab whatever’s on top of the sack when I swing by.  

I’m hearing rumors from corporate that if I don’t “deliver” this year, I’ll be outsourced … and something called “Prime” will take over. 

Best you send me a list.

Santa …

P.S. – It’s okay to believe in both of us … just sayin’ … SC

Wait ‘til next year … from “Dread to “Partee!”

Another Thanksgiving dinner survived … a mega event enhanced by our steroidal political atmosphere … the state of the National Football League … and the use of the “I-word” … Impeachment.

We owe our Thanksgiving celebration to that intrepid group of Mayflowerian Separatists … who celebrated surviving their first year in the “New World” with three days of “Pilgrim Fun” … no wife swapping, drugs or alcohol … a real “Yuck Fest.”

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But fear not Thanksgiving Loyalists … you impish fun loving pie bakers and flash fried turkey arsonists.  The 21st century version of Thanksgiving’s Hardy Partiers is here to “elevate” your plans for 2020’s feast!

We’ve got the latest “plant based food enhancer” to change yesteryear’s “prayer-filled-puritan-heritage-three-day-dirge” into a wild-and-wooly Wilford Brimley “You-want-me-to-do-what-to-your-turkey?” Bacchanal Feast.

Don’t just “lace-up” that turkey for baking … “lace” that turkey, all the side dishes, desserts and beverages with the best in legal home grown American 100% certified red-white-and-blue … Pot!

Wow … you’ve just turned your 3-Day Dirge into a “Wheee-It’s-a-Three-Day-Parteee!”

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Don’t bother checking mags like “Saveur” or “Food and Wine” for next year’s recipes.

Go to “Doctor Google” … type in “best pot laced Thanksgiving recipes” and scroll through 1.6 million “Doped Turkey Day” options.

Since the best properties of your pot are released when it’s “warmed” … and there are absolutely no dishes served at Thanksgiving that are not butter laden … you can insure a successful “Everybody-gets-along-and-even-likes-football-Stoner-Turkey-Day” by starting with … “I Can’t believe it’s Pot Butter.”

Make a really huge batch and slather it everywhere you see any food … be sure to have mountain sized portions at each place setting!

And you’ll need to purchase pick-up truck loads of those little warm-up-dinner-rolls … yummy-yummy-in-my-munchy-craving-tummy!

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As for the “Big Bird” … use the Butter Ball concept and pack that Sumbitch with your Pot Butter … inside … outside … and for good measure toss a fistful of prime buds into the cavity!

Dessert?  Who’s got room for dessert?

We all do … if we harken back to our Hippie Days and resurrect the one-and-only-tried-and-true Alice B. Toklas’ “Alice’s Restaurant pot brownies.”

Take it from Wilford … it’ll give a whole new meaning to “Pot Luck!”

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Just sayin’ …

 

Astro Turkey … Your Turkey Horoscope

Thanksgiving’s right around the corner … and some folks plan their Thanksgiving dinner based on Astrology.

I think that’s pretty cool … but what’s more cool?

Base the center piece of your Thanksgiving feast-meal on the astrological sign of your gobbler.

I mean … C’mon Man … the star of the show’s the Big Bird in the center of the table!  Who serves Thanksgiving fish … or beef … or Mac’n’Cheese?

It’s all about the bird … and if you want that astrological boost in your life … choose your turkey based on its astro-sign … its “born-on-date.”

Eat your sign … get a perfect match astrologically speaking … it’s all about your Big Bird!

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ARIES … the Ram … Your bird was driven, ambitious and curious … uhoh!  This bird loved being placed in leadership positions.  What better “place” than the middle of your banquet table?

TAURUS … the Bull … They value their sense of stability and security … a bit stubborn, they dislike change … once baked, they’ll have no more problems with that!

GEMINI … the Twins … Double the pleasure … double the fun … they loved surrounding themselves with people … best served as a duo … one at the head and one at the foot of your oversized very crowded Thanksgiving table.

CANCER … the Crab … She needs to be needed … had a great desire to feel loved … when you sit in front of your Cancer turkey, be sure to lavish praise on her!

LEO … the Lion … He may have roared like a Lion … paraded around like a king … but he still ended up on the platter … that’s the big joke on Leos!

VIRGO … the Virgin … Team players … very intelligent (for a turkey) … and can be intuitive … since she was often critical, she’s best eaten at one sitting!

LIBRA … the Scales … These birds thrived when their needs of balance, justice and stability were met … massage them … brine them … baste them at regular intervals to ensure a more harmonious oven experience.

SCORPIO … the Scorpion … She always watched you in spite of her secretive, seemingly withdrawn and uninterested manner … she’s best served straight from the fridge … slathered with butter and salt and plopped deep in a flash frying turkey fryer.  Take no prisoners!

SAGITTARIUS … the Centaur … The explorer and lover of adventure … they roamed the world looking for new experiences … most likely a wild bird brought to your table from the fields … not the farm … tough and gamey … but definitely on the wild side!

CAPRICORN … the Goat … A practical turkey and deft organizer … she always tried to herd the flock in one direction … wanted everything in order … be sure your table’s organized and your dinner plan’s perfectly executed … along with your turkey!

AQUARIUS … the Water Bearer … Often the most easily bored of the flock … she always looked for something new … very quirky personalities … best served with an array of unusual side dishes … say bye-bye to Thanksgiving traditions!

PISCES … the Fish … The Dreamers in the flock … honest and trustworthy but can be gullible … that could be how they ended up on your table … handle them gently when prepping them.

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Happy Thanksgiving … Just sayin’ …

Don’t ya just hate Christmas Blogs before Thanksgiving?

There’s a juicy pre-Christmas news item floating around outer space … and the internet … and it’s being linked to our total destruction.

No … it’s not the odds that jolly old St. Nick will get stuck in a chimney … causing “Christmas Interruptus.”

Or, an out-of-control-Rudolph will crash his reindeer team into one of the 128 million pieces of space debris now being tracked by CNEOS … our Center for Near Earth Object Studies.

Yes … the US Gov’t really does have a Center dedicated to tracking all that orbiting space s**t.

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Recently the CNEOS folks confirmed that there are currently 26 “Near-Earth” objects scheduled to pass us in the next 60 days!

Where are the Waste Management trucks when we need them?

Should we create a Space Waste Force to go along with You-Know-Whose US Space Force and start bagging up all this garbage?

If Elon Musk can launch a Tesla into orbit … can’t we get a garbage truck up there and scoop up some of this space s**t?

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The space rock causing the most consternation indeed will pass by earth early evening of Christmas Eve … Santa beware!

The Brit tabloid “Express” seems to be most intrigued with this impending Christmas Doom’s Day scenario … some totally “stoned” Brit sources estimate the size of the Rock as a tumbling World Trade Center.

According to some other Brits not “tripping” at their keyboards … the size of the space rock is somewhere between a Red Double Decker London Bus … and a VW Bug.

Either way … that’s a BFA … “Big F***ing Asteroid!”

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The real question is … “How close is close?”

All the space-rock-killer-hullabaloo is sparked over the asteroid known as 216258 2006 WH1 … pretty catchy name … don’t-ya think “Space Hellion” … or “Destruct-O” would be better?

But fear not … CNEOS has been tracking this “Space Puppy” since 2006 … that’s the past 13 years … so it’s hardly a sneak attack!

And according to NASA … though the BFA will “pass by earth” … it will be at a distance of approximately 3.6 million miles.

3.6 million?  That’s a lotta miles between earth and the BFA … even if they call it a “Near Earth Object!”

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So just shut up Brits … enuf with the Christmas Doomsday Conspiracy … work on your “Brexit-Exit” … and LEAVE SANTA ALONE!

Just sayin’ …

The “Trump-phabet”

A … “A is for A-hole” … everyone has one … some use it properly and keep it clean … others, like you-know-who in the White House …  are stuck with it as a character flaw.

B … “B is for Buttboy” … the role our resident A-hole plays with Vladimir Putin.

C … “C is for Conspiracy Theories” … the real Fake News that our very own A-hole seems never to tire of.

D … “D is for Drain the Swamp” … but our A-hole had to build a special “Trump Swamp Tower” to house all the new Swamp Creatures he’s added to swamp he didn’t drain.

E … “E is for Evangelicals” … a group of pseudo-Christians who haven’t discovered they’re exploited by someone who thinks “Two Corinthians” is a book in the Bible.

F … “F is for F-yourself” … the ultimate awkward sex act … the one our current White House Tenant is doing to our entire country.

G … “G is for the GOP” … that group dominated by fat-old-white-men who sold their “soles” to the first letter of the “Trump-phabet” … see “A-hole.”

H … “H is for Hillary” … the woman who got more votes for president than the A-hole got.

I … “I is for Investigations” … remember when he said Hillary would be spending all her time fighting investigations if she got elected?

J … “J is for Junior” … as in Trump Junior … the trophy-hunting-arrogant-liar “Spokes Son” for Daddy Dearest.

K … “K is for nothing” … unless it’s linked with two additional K’s … meaning “KKK” … the racist antisemitic organization revitalized by our resident A-hole.

L … “L is for Lock Her Up” … our WH tenant’s 2016 campaign rally cry which for 2020 has morphed into “Lock Him Up.”

M … “M is for Melania” … who will be a very, very wealthy divorcee when she splits from you-know-who before he’s arrested … and financially ruined.

N … “N” is for the “N-word” … which the A-hole’s leaking aides say he loves to use in the Offal Office.

O … “O is for Orange” … which is the color of our A-hole’s skin and hair … so far no one in the country mimics his style.

P … “P is for P***y” … a word used only by the A-holes of the world practicing “Power Sex” … a euphemism for “rape.”

Q … “Q” is for Quid-pro-Quo”… which means “this-for-that” and for sure never happened because he “takes and never gives.”  His personal Latin word is “culus” … A-hole.

R … “R is for all things Russia” … whose President, Putin must have digital photos of you-know-who doing it with farm animals instead of beautiful Russian prostitutes.

S … “S is for shithole countries” … used by A-hole to describe countries where black-brown-yellow people outnumber white folks.

T … “T is for tantrum” … the behavior most often used by our A-hole to express his feelings, opinions, wants, needs, desires and when his KFC is delivered cold.

U … “U is for underwear” … more specifically “Tightie-Whities” … which Stormy Daniels reported our p***y-grabbing-sexual-predator-A-hole wore the night she spanked him with a copy of Forbes … Tightie Whities?

V … “V is for Vlad” … our A-hole’s new BFF which no one understands … refer back to “R – all things Russia.”

W … “W is for Winning” … remember when he promised … “You’ll be winning so much you’ll get tired of winning?”

X … “X is for Xenophobia” … which the A-hole practices referring to “my Black supporter” … record employment for Blacks and Latinos … Mexican rapists … drug dealers and murderers … extolling Brownshirts, Nazis and Fascists.

Y … “Y is for Yovanovitch” … as in Maria Yovanovitch, our Ambassador to Ukraine … forced from her office by the A-Hole’s “3-Amigos” … Rick Perry, Gordon Sondland and Kurt Volker … but watch out … “Karma really is a bitch.”

Z … “Z is for Zelensky” … the President of Ukraine, who unlike our A-hole, did not cave to pressure from foreign governments in order to get elected.

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It’s good to know your ABCs.

Just sayin’ …