Fauci & Birx … in talks to return for your viewing pleasure

As soon as Tony Fauci and Debi Birx heard the White House pulled the plug on “The Donald Showcases COVID-19” … they entered into high level discussions of their own to launch a science based new “docu-series” … “Pandemic Rapid Response: Fauci & Birx.”

According to a major network … Fauci & Birx made themselves available when the Donald Trump Coronovirius Task Force released them from their daily appearance obligations … known in The West Wing circles as “The Donald Beats COVID-19 Staged Show.”

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A West Wing spokes person refused to point to the show’s ratings free fall as the reason it was canceled.  The fact that viewership crashed right after The Donald started hogging the spotlight with his “mega-pearances” was also denied.

The anonymous source blamed the two doctors indicating “they just simply didn’t have the star power needed to keep pace with The Donald’s demands.”

According to The Donald … he wants a more dynamic-duo to move into the Fauci/Birx vacant slot … Drs. Phil & Oz are rumored “to have that inside track!”

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The Fauci/Birx new docu-series format will showcase C-19 “Hotspots” throughout the US.

Given the COVID cases recently infecting two White House staffers and nary a mask to be found in the West Wing … the show’s premier might feature the Offal Office.

Fauci and Birx assure viewers that real science and fact based evidence will form the basis for each show.  We won’t take our material from use of infrared lights shoved up patient’s butts … Clorox Cocktails … Voodoo, Witch Doctors … or the now infamous “Plandemic video” … exposed on the Internet as “Fake Medicine.”

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Cameo appearances by some of TV’s most loved doctors will add star power to the Docu-series.

Scheduled for the first show is Hugh Laurie … of “House” fame … recreating his role as an acerbic infectious disease expert whose brutal honesty and antisocial tendencies make it hard to determine medical truth from fiction!

Look for stars from other highly rated “TV Doc Shows” to beg their own cameo appearances.

Hmmm … maybe shows like “Doogie Howser” … “Doctor Who” …  and, the eternal “General Hospital?”

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Word behind the scenes is that Tony and Debi will also schedule “real-life docs” based on their own years of successful hand-to-hand-combat in the infectious disease field.

This could be a “case where truth is stranger than fiction” … if it only could be our reality!

Just sayin’ …

Trumphernalia Gone Wild

We all know that Trump L-O-V-E-S to put his name on virtually everything that doesn’t move … and on some things that do.

But there are some seriously absurd “Trumphernalia” we’ve found that we could NOT believe and we just had to share them with you.

So here are some of our faves …

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“The Jesse James Collection – 45’s for the 45th” … stainless steel, hand tooled engraved with Trumphernalia … 24 karat gold plating and wood inlay from one of George Washington’s original chestnut trees.

James … a Celebrity Apprentice Reality Star was quoted … “I hope he uses it as a negotiation tool … you know, just casually pull it out and lay it on the desk, ‘Have you seen my Jesse James pistol?’”

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“The Donald Trump blow up sex doll” … created by Syrian-born artist Saint Hoax in response to Trump’s threat to deport all Syrian refugees coming to the US.

According to Saint Hoax … proceeds from his Donald Trump Sex Doll will be used for emergency relief for Syrian refugees stranded throughout the world.

BTW … it’s life size … complete with itty-bitty appendages … and like him it’s cheap … at only $39.

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Presidential Commemorative Medals … in sheer numbers, Trump has made a mockery of Presidential Medals for sale through the White House Gift Shop.

Like the raving narcissist he is, he’s prone to commemorate all his acts … even each time he takes a dump!

One of the recent Com-Medals offered depicts the Trump impeachment trial … though it prominently emphasizes the words “Acquitted” and “Exonerated.”

Prospective buyers are urged to … “Commemorate the acquittal of President Donald Trump from all impeachment charges with this blazing medal of gleaming silver.”

After you’ve puked your breakfast … you might want to use your Master Card to purchase his latest Com-Medal … issued just a few days ago extolling Trump’s latest political win … his victory over Coronovirus!

This medal absurdly celebrates Trump’s “heroic victorious efforts to fight coronovirus” … which still numbers 30,000 +/- new cases daily and kills approximately 2,000 US souls every day.

I can hear him now shouting Mussolini-like from the White House balcony … “Cheer up … we got ‘em right where we want ‘em!

“Are you tired of winning yet?”

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Just sayin’ …

 

Making the World a “Better Place”

Occasionally I exchange serious … as opposed to absurd e-mails … with a group of friends.

This exchange … a discussion on “how to help yourself have a better day” … occurred a few days ago.

I put in my two cents worth because in my next life I definitely plan to be the Anne Landers … Doctor Phil … or Dr. Ruth of the time.  I just love to give advice.

It’s based on my friend “Bill’s” email and my offering advice.

So far, no one’s responded, “Hey Huss, stuff it!”

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“Bill … you offered some good advice … like you don’t answer your cell phone until 10 AM or tune into Cable News until noon.”

I’m generally off my cell phone most of the day, too … but that’s because I’ve forgotten where I last placed, saw or dropped it.

As for Cable News … I only watch when I’m feeling suicidal … or I’ve decided to drink … which is pretty much anytime my eyes are open.

I’m banned from ladders now … it’s an age thing …  so when I OD on Cable News and desperately want to take that final leap … it’s off the edge of my front walk … and results in a severely sprained ankle.

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I’m proud, Bill that “you try not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself.”

I’ve determined that the only pressure I can handle is whether it will be a “clear liquor day” or a “brown liquor day.”

The only daily chore I face is before I go to bed … to check and make sure my icemaker hasn’t jammed.

A full ice bin is a harbinger of a “better day.”

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Surrounding yourself, Bill, with positive thoughts and energy is a really good thing.

I … on the other hand … have pretty much given up thinking … both good and bad thoughts.  Thinking hurts my hair and I’ve determined that it’s not really all that good for me.

I’m okay with traffic laws … except for stop signs … which I consider to be suggestions.

I also randomly drop public F-bombs … mostly to jangle the nerves of Fundamentalists … who now-a-days seem to be everywhere.

If they also make eye contact with me … I apologize and tell them I suffer from a rare form of “F***ing Tourettes” … and to please pray for my recovery.

I also remind them … if they’re still within hearing range … “It’s what Jesus would want them to do.”

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Empirical evidence has proven without a doubt that I can most easily improve everyone’s day by staying home … preferably inside.

So I frequently help make my Mount Dora world “a better place” by being an-inside-person.

Just sayin’ … HUSS

Magic Juice … or rocket fuel for lemmings?

 

We live in an alternative-fact, post-truth era.

Nothing incites our National League of Health Lemmings to dive over the cliff of wellbeing more than the latest non-science non-thinking nonsense of a Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed star-based pseudo-health recommendation.

It’s one thing to attack my bacon, eggs, cheese, red meat, if-I-can’t-pronounce-it-don’t-eat-it, daily requirement diet based on limiting those calories, and by-God-never-letting-butter-touch-my-lips.

But it’s quite another to tell me that all my ills, ails, blockages, and flatulence will disappear while consuming one simple food item.

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Where else … other than LA … would this claim to be a super food with super curative powers emanate?

The guru and perpetrator of this health fraud … oops, I mean “food” … Anthony William isn’t a certified nutritionist or medical doc … hold on to your seat … he  proclaims to be a “medical medium.”

C’mon man … he’s a “Fruit and Veggie Whisperer?”  Or, a “Root and Nut Conjurer?”

Get this … the dude goes on to say, “I’m not a graduate of anything.  I’ve just been doing this my whole life.”

Great … I’ve got nothing against being self-taught using your entire life experience.  But I’d feel a lot better if you were “doing this” for your whole life and you were in your 80’s!

Since you’re not even close to your 80’s … your claim of “lifetime experience” is a dubious strategy.

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If you want to hop on Gwyneth’s latest “health-wagon” … “eat your way to good health with one simple food”… just take a quick run to the produce section of your neighborhood supermarket.

You don’t even have to go to a Whole Foods/Amazon, Trader Joe’s, Lucky’s Market or any of the LA or Manhattan “star-laced-veggie-boutiques.”

You do need to know that in some of these more upscale urban areas where the 1% Lemmings hangout … you’ll probably pay a premium for this super food because “Gwyneth-Loving-Health-Wagon Hoarders” have created shortages.

This just shows you how Lemming-esque we are as a consumer group.

I mean … when’s the last time you reached for celery and the bin was empty?

Oops … my bad … now the Medical Medium’s big secret’s out … it’s celery juice!

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Good news … Maybe we’ll be talking more about Anthony William and his magical celery juice while my least BFF in the world, Gwyneth, slides into the La Brea Tar Pits.

Better news … I’m off to my vodka stash … I bet I can turn this celery s**t into a real health drink!

Sooo, sooo healthy I am!

Just sayin’ …

 

The Checkout Trap … “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!”

I’d finished shopping … and was in a hurry to get home.

Only three “live cashiers” were open … all with lines that rivaled last chance sales on a Mega-Buck-Power-Ball-Night!

I made an executive decision and inched fearfully toward the dreaded … “Self-Check-Out-Lanes.”

How hard could it be?  After a few mishaps … I “became one with ATMs.”  Even we Luddites are trainable!

I pushed my cart up to a station.

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A way-too-loud-and-Rude-Robotic-Voice blared … “Please scan your first item.”

I started simple.

I scanned a can … a task millions of cashiers mastered with a flip of their wrist … smiling and chatting at the same time.

Swish went my can.

Immediately the Rude-Robotic-Voice barked … “Remove the item from the scanner” … I jumped and complied … what’s with this dude?

I grabbed my first produce item … gingerly placed it on the scanner.

I’m instructed to “Look up the item on the screen.”  Fortunately bananas are easy to spot … I touched the screen and removed the bananas before being chided for my tardiness.

Success was ephemeral … I was ordered to “Please re-scan your item” with the clear sub-textual implication … “You Effing Moron.”  I re-scanned it, quickly removing it before Herr Scanner went on a another rant.  The pressure was mounting …

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Sweat beaded up on my brow … I had three leeks banded together in a bunch.

They weren’t showing up on the screen.  I glanced around and noticed someone “swiping” their screen … it flipped to another page … I did that and voila … there’s a leek … I poked the screen.

Rude-Robot-Voice told me … “Enter the number of items.”

Well … there’re three leeks … but one bunch.  So I punched “3” and immediately saw I’d paid over eight dollars for my leeks.

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I looked around for the “Self-Checkout-Rescue-Agent” … but another surprise, surprise … no one was there to rescue me.

In fact, I saw three other pissed-off people in front of their Rude Robots punching buttons and receiving loud rude messages in return!

I made another executive decision … and finished my order.

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Instead of going home I headed over to “Customer Dis-Service” … and waited the mandatory 15 minutes.

My receipt fortunately decided to stay with me and not lose itself in whatever alien territory important receipts went … so I showed it to the human-type-person behind the counter.

She smiled … then reassured me I was not the only guy who overpaid for leeks … refunded my money and told me … “Have a good one!”

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I was much happier after human contact … though I’d never been able to figure out just what “Good One” I was supposed to have.

I didn’t ask her … I left with my leeks, money, personal contact … and in search of my own “Good One.”

Just sayin’ …

Could Orange be the New Black … Face?

This just in …

Seriously Absurd reports a vast movement sweeping the US … apparently a spinoff fueled by the Blackface appearance of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring.

In support of public racists … latent racists are moving “out-of-the-closet” popping up wearing “Orangeface.”

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It’s the “Rage” and the White House is … enraged.

Stunned Republicans called for the impeachment of Nancy Pelosi … and the appointment of a Special Investigator to get to the bottom of this clear and present danger.

Democrats have been spotted sneakily snickering in committee meetings … and in town hall meetings … they’ve been forced to wear Depends fearing they’ll wet their pants in glee.

According to one Congressman, “For the first time in 2½ years we’ve got something to be happy about!”

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Delivering their opening monologues in “Orangeface” … Late Night TV comics experienced ratings tsunamis.

Recognizing an opportunity … Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper launched their latest solo-duet … “You might hate me in Black … but you’ll love me in Orange.”

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Special KKK rallies supporting these new racists have sprung up throughout the South … with Klanspeople dancing manically in their new “Orange Rally Robes” around huge bonfires stoked by blazing orange flames.

Not wanting to be left out, counter protesting Black Lives Matter groups are busy hanging “Orangeface” effigy dolls from balconies, tree limbs, yard arms, flag poles, and bus stops.

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An orange food coloring shortage has Amazon scrambling to fulfill orders.

To keep up with the 1000’s of daily requests, Amazon employees have suspended participation in all office pools related to the size and identifiable markings on Jeff’s dick.

One Amazonian was quoted as saying, “We’re psyched … it’s like we really have a purpose now.  Everyone deserves to have a viable supply of orange coloring that’s safe to ingest and easy to use.”

On condition of anonymity … another Amazon worker said … “We’re 100% behind Jeff’s Dick Wars against Pecker’s Pecker.”

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SNL favorite Alec Baldwin steadfastly refuses to disclose his source for his trademark “Trump Orangeface.”

According to Baldwin, “It’s a closely held NBC secret.  Even if you water-boarded me … I wouldn’t reveal it.”

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The national leadership of the NAACP states that they see no racial implications for the “Orangeface” rage.

According to one spokesman, “We’re aware of only one person with an ‘Orangeface’ … and frankly we don’t care what you do to insult or embarrass that Motherf***er.”

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Yes, Virginia … there is an “Orangeface” … and it’s definitely replaced Blackface.

Just sayin’ …

The Real Xmas Wars

War’s been declared on Christmas … or as I like to say, Xmas!

Gird-up … this war’s being fought on several fronts and there’s no dearth of weaponry available.

Some folks are flame-throwing Christian soldiers marching off to Starbucks … apparently HQ Central Command for the Xmas Wars!

Others are “War Watchers” … who chronicle events as each salvo’s fired.

Then there are the Christmas War Deniers who … just like climate change deniers and Holocaust deniers … deny that Starbucks even has cups!

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Involvement in war requires propagandists and in WWll, they were Axis Sally, Tokyo Rose and Lord Haw-Haw. 

In Korea it was Seoul City Sue  …  and in Viet Nam, Hanoi Hannah waved the VC propaganda flag.

Not to be out done, our War on Xmas has launched salvos assaulting our eyes and ears with charges that explode in front of us declaring … “There’s a war on the Manger!”

Attacks used to come from Fox News’ Bill “Excuse-my-hand-up-your-skirt-and-my-weenie-wagging-in-your-face” O’Reilly … but now emanate from Sean Hannity who carries the Fox Xmas red and green propaganda banner against the heathen masses.

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Armies of Starbucks’ holiday cups bombard the pagan invasion of the “Holy Jesus and Mother of Merry Christmas” throngs. 

Starbucks’ refusal to state Merry Christmas on every cup is proof enough that this is indeed a take no prisoners holy war.

The accused war criminal Starbucks is solely responsible for “coffee-cup-carpet-bombing” Baby Jesus worshipers with heathen, hedonistic, unholy messages like “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings.”

What more proof do you need that this is a real war?

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If the religious Christian soldiers are serious about retaking their once sacred Christian ground … known as “malls” … which house the pagan Santa behind “spiritual shields” … then why don’t they invade the hallowed malls with their own Christmas Jesus?

Jesus “loves the little children … all the children of the world.”  What better way to spread the Christian word than a messianic Jesus invasion of the few malls left in America?

Kids sit on Santa’s lap … why not let them sit on Jesus’ lap … and ask him to bring them “a gift for Christmas?” 

After all … Jesus got gifts from the Wise Guys when he was born.

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Oust Santa … after all he’s just another old, fat white guy … and put Jesus on the new Christmas throne.

Just sayin’ … 

You’re a mean one …

Thanksgiving’s over … all the turkeys have let out a collective sigh … and put away their “Eat Mor Chickin’” signs!

We can focus now on the Xmas season!

Given the climates … political and real … I’m not sure we’ll hear these old standards this year … “Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney when he came last night ….” or, “Baby, I wanna trim your beautiful Christmas tree ….” and not even the fabulous, “I know what he wants for Christmas ….”

Now, the atmosphere is much more Seuss-ian … and no one spells it out more clearly than Seuss himself … are we sure he didn’t know Donald Trump?

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You’re a mean one, Mr. Trump
You really are a heel
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mr. Ha-rump
You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You’re a monster, Mr. Schlump
Your heart’s an empty hole
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Mr. Ga-rump
I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a foul one, Mr. Schtump
You have termites in your smile
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Ga-lump
Given a choice between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile!

You’re a vile one, Mr. Schrunk
You’re a nasty wasty skunk
Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Schpee-lunk
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote
“Stink, stank, stunk”!

You’re a rotter, Mr. Gunk
You’re the king of sinful sots
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Poh-dunk
Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots!

You nauseate me, Mr. Crunk
With a nauseous super “naus!”
You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Up-chunk
You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce!

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My posthumous apologies to the Good Doctor … I tried but could not come close to matching his words and style … so I only changed the name of the accused.

Just sayin’ …

What really matters … and it’s not the mid-terms …

Here it is a few days after the crazed two year run-up to the 2018 mid-terms … and I have yet to determine whether I won … lost … or am just too exhausted to give a damn.

In spite of the tsunami of media punditry attempting to explain the results of the mid-terms … I choose to focus on much more important issues facing those of us who are engaged with life in 2018.

Here’s the Seriously Absurd list … so far.

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For those folks who still play “dress-up” one night each year, Halloween 2018 saw the demise of the “Killer Clown” as the #1 costume.

Amusingly enough … the #1 costume in this election mid-term year according to Pinterest … none other than Tonya Harding.

Say who?

Wasn’t she the ice skater who placed the championships into her own ex-husband’s hands … and there’s the legal complication … when he bashed the knee of poor Nancy Kerrigan … the #1 skater … knocking her out of the competition?

Yep … and after her December, 2017 bio-pic … “I, Tonya” … we have another American Anti-hero put up for worship.

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And … in 2018 if you didn’t buy your Fidget Spinner to play with Barron Trump … you’re too late.

Fidget Spinners hit the toy market January 2018 … peaked in May and now occupy no space on toy store shelves.

Oh wait … since Toys R Us closed it’s doors … there are no toy stores in America.

If you did buy a Fidget Spinner … hold on to it for 50 or so years and you’ll have a toy collectible for Mike and Frank … the guys in History Channel’s “American Pickers.”

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And of course we have our 2018 asteroid … code named Oumuamua … Hawaiian meaning … “a messenger that reaches out from the distant past.”

What’s got everyone gesticulating to this hunk of space rock is the idea that some spacey scientists … not Kevin Spacey … seem to think this flattish cigar shaped tumbler is an alien probe that was sent on a “fly by” of earth.

Mind you  … there is no evidence of any kind to support this theory.

But, if you ask me … I’ll remind you we have a guy in the White House who wants to establish a United States Space Force … and he has no evidence that such a “space force” is necessary, needed or even wanted.

Evidence … schmevidence!

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So there you have it … a sampler of what I think about instead of who won what in the 2018 mid-terms.

Just sayin’ …

The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.

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Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.

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But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”

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On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …