Seriously Absurd Blog
The Martha Stewart Guide to Prison Life
According to an ABC news report, over 75 women have been arrested for their participation in the Jan 6 Capitol Insurrection.
Of those women, blonde North Texas Realtor, Jennifer Ryan, is making the most headlines thanks to her over-the-top assertion that her blonde hair, good looks, successful real estate business, and...Read More »
Welcome to “The Freedom Express”
Flori-DUH … already known as the land of thrills, tourist traps and scams … is offering up a new fantasy playground.
Located in the shadow of Disney World … the greatest “pretend world” ever known … Flori-DUH’s Freedom Land will occupy the site previously known as “The Holy Land Experience” …...Read More »
“As De-Worm Turns”
A horse of another color trotted across the Far Side Pasture, leaned over the fence, and whispered to a decidedly ordinary cow, “You heard the latest?”
“Latest what?” said the cow as she contentedly chewed her cud wishing she could dump her latest milk load on the Carnation Condensed Milk people.
“It’s...Read More »
Coffee … Tea … or Come Fight with Me!
Seriously Absurd has heard airlines are canceling in-flight TV and movies. According to one airline source, their company is saving millions of dollars by no longer offering these entertainment options.
When pressed on what passengers would do for entertainment, our source revealed their company is now providing live assault-and-battery events pitting...Read More »
The TV Screamer’s Hit List
When I was younger and knew much less than I now know, I yelled at the TV only during football games.
I was thrilled to learn (while I was younger) that Elvis … my only true singer idol … would plug his TV with a .45 caliber handgun whenever he was perturbed by...Read More »
Re-emergence is Hard to Do … Gen-X Brood Cicadas Come Out
Life’s been a bit tough for Brood X Cicadas,. Witness …
Re-emergence is hard to do …
We think we had it tough emerging after our COVID isolation … switch places with our friendly Brood X Cicadas!
Brood X’ers did 17 years underground in “the hundred acre wood” … soft loamy dirt...Read More »
Lady Karma Keeps her Promises
Remember when The Orange One introduced his first totally duplicitous 2020 campaign slogan … “Promises Made Promises Kept?”
I frantically looked for the “kept” part of those promises. After 30 minutes I quit … realizing the only promise kept was the tax cut for the wealthiest of our nation.
We’re still waiting...Read More »
Oh S**t ... it’s October again!
According to TS Eliot, April’s the cruelest month … but that’s just not true.
It’s got to be October … October’s the worst … the horrible-est … and has no redemptive value whatsoever!
It’s not because October is the harbinger of winter and all the leaves put on their last great show...Read More »
Mm ... Mm... Good! Soup gets an attitude
“Soup every day makes a super you!”
So the slogan goes.
But Trump’s put plain old everyday 1950’s styled sodium packed tasteless canned soup back on the map … and as he usually does … for all the wrong reasons.
No longer are we charmed by the “Mm … Mm … Good!” and...Read More »
The Winner: “There’s room in his heart ...”
I’ve been searching for thoughts to magically appear … probably almost as hard as What’s-his-name’s been hoping for Corona Virus to disappear.
Thoughts that would allow me to “sail” out of the doldrums of our political malaise … like that 151 foot super-yacht that Trump’s pal Steve Bannon was pulled from.
Thoughts...Read More »
Moses and Peter Navarro The Ten Commandments & Executive Orders
New ground was plowed in Presidential news coverage when Trump Presidential Assistant Peter Navarro stated on “Meet the Press” “….the Lord and Founding Fathers created executive orders because of partisan bickering and divided government….” Say what?
Before a gob smacked Chuck Todd could recover, Navarro faced the cameras saying … “Here’s...Read More »
“Oh ... the Effing Changes we’ll make”
Rumor has it that one day in the distant future we’ll look back on our time with C-19 … and be thankful for the ways the “piece-of-shit-bastard-inconvenient-life-taking-ugly-f**king-redspiked-bloodsuckin-virus” forced us to become better people developing new talents and skills while encouraging us to form new habits that will improve our lives.
That...Read More »
New Writing Genre Emerges (Sprint Writing)
It’s hard to find any benefits of our COVID-19 Pandemic.
But Seriously Absurd’s research team has uncovered what appears to be a new opportunity for aspiring writers … now that they have time on their hands.
We call it … Sprint Writing** … where the writer gets to the point … nails...Read More »
By Executive Order Trump Claims Vacant Presidency of Covfefe States of Amerika”
To solidify the “choke hold” he maintains on his political base … which now reportedly numbers into the high teens of eligible voters … Trumpel-skil-skin issued an Executive Order declaring himself the “Second President of the Covfefe States of Amerika.”
Some legal scholars cast doubt on the validity of the EO...Read More »
The eyes of Texas are upon you ... Trump finally gets his “wall” ... and his “street”
In today’s crazy, chaotic times we don’t have to look far or wide or hard to uncover “The Stupids.” They pop right out from under their rocks with no provocation whatsoever.
The only state that can rival Flori-duh for the sheer stupidity of its citizenry and its governance is … you...Read More »
Pandemic Ads ... and a Huge WTF?
I’m sorry … but if I hear one more US company lecture me in their TV spot that “We’re all in this together” … AND “We’ve got your back” … I’m gonna “Full Elvis” my TV.
Blam-blam-blam … right thru the flat screen!
There’re lots of reasons I want this pile of...Read More »
Trumphernalia Gone Wild
We all know that Trump L-O-V-E-S to put his name on virtually everything that doesn’t move … and on some things that do.
But there are some seriously absurd “Trumphernalia” we’ve found that we could NOT believe and we just had to share them with you.
So here are some of our faves...Read More »
The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower
Don’t know about you, but I’m having real trouble keeping up with that moron who has taken up residence in our White House.
I started three hilarious blogs this week that crashed and burned … all because the dumb f**ker had to retract what he said, did, or lied about.
I think...Read More »
Stage Right ... TV Docs to the Rescue
“Heigh-Ho … heigh ho … it’s ‘off to work’ we go ….” At least some US citizens have had enough of this COVID-Crap and are lined up … ready and willing … to return to thrills of the workplace.
It makes you wonder … are they more willing to face the...Read More »
PSST! … Wanna know where all the toilet paper went?
Mari recently burst into my “Nothing Room” destroying the brilliance of a very serious think tank session I was having with myself.
Reconvened in the Bored Room, she announced that amidst this CoronaPlague-19 … medical science just explained the reason we have a severe toilet paper shortage!
It’s not because we suddenly...Read More »
Finally ... Proof that Women are NOT “the Weaker Sex”
We now have definitive proof that men … not women … are the weaker sex.
Suck-it-up Fellow-Buttercups … thanks to COVID-19 we men now face the proverbial … “Houston we have a problem!”
COVID-19 is kicking male-butt up to twice as often as females’ and … unlike our White House Leader …...Read More »
Hand Washing & Logic 101
Okay class … today we learn how to wash our hands. Everyone … step-up to your sink and sing with me.
“This is the way we wash our hands,
Wash our hands, wash our hands.
This is the way we wash our hands
So early in the morning.”
Now let’s all shout...Read More »
“I like my Corona with a slice of truth ... not lime!”
“Hi … Tony Romo, former quarterback in the NFL … here on the beach under my Corona umbrella enjoying the sun, the sand, the waves, and my Corona … with a slice of lime.
“We’re offering special pricing today because crazy Americans think they’re protecting themselves from the ‘Coronavirus’ … by...Read More »
What do Super Bowl LIV & V-Day have in common? (More than you might think, Grasshopper)
V-Day’s come and gone … behind it a wake of poorly-expressed-proclamations-of-undying-love … half-eaten-past-code-date-chocolates … deflated balloons … and discarded-super-market-flowers … flown-in-from-god-knows-where.
For many, this V-Day exchange is a “sexual quid-pro-quo” … which loosely means an “exchange of favors” … “You get this and I get laid!”
Also come-and-gone … Super Bowl LIV.
That...Read More »
“Who needs the Ruskies when we have the Iowans?”
If the Dems start in Iowa is any indication of how we’re gonna “fight” the 2020 version of GOP electoral criminals … our call to arms probably should be … “Hey, General Custer, where’d all these f**kin’ Indians come from?”
Iowa is the 2020 anchor around our neck because DNC Leaders...Read More »
“Trumpography” ... his world really is flat
Fact checking the daily-hourly-minute-by-minute displays of ignorance emanating from our “Rent-A-President” and his gang of Flat Earth governing imposters has become a fulltime job.
Last week … Flat Earth worshippers let out a “Whoop” when “Trumpography” reared its ugly alternative-fact head in the US State Department.
Mike Pompeo … current Bozo of...Read More »
Thank the gods ... “THE Season” is almost over!
“THE Season?” What “Season” are you squawking about? Winter? Xmas? That’s done and gone.
We’re way beyond wishing friends and neighbors “Happy New Year!”
The “Diet Season” … it starts every January and it’s the source of major guilt for 365 days.
It’s also the season we start … only to end...Read More »
New Year’s Resolutions ... Stop the Insanity!
Every year millions of Americans set themselves up for abject failure … self- loathing … self-hate.
Then they spend countless dollars trying to fix their screwed up psyches as they return to their favorite “couch consultants” to repair their broken lives.
And their major complaint?
“Why … why … can’t I keep a...Read More »
“Dear Santa” ... 2019
I was just wondering … did you and Jesus hang out with each other when you were kids … even though Jesus was a Jew?
I’ve been studying all about Jesus in Sunday school and they tell me to believe in Him. But when I tell them I believe in...Read More »
Wait ‘til next year ... from “Dread to “Partee!”
Another Thanksgiving dinner survived … a mega event enhanced by our steroidal political atmosphere … the state of the National Football League … and the use of the “I-word” … Impeachment.
We owe our Thanksgiving celebration to that intrepid group of Mayflowerian Separatists … who celebrated surviving their first year in...Read More »
Astro Turkey ... Your Turkey Horoscope
Thanksgiving’s right around the corner … and some folks plan their Thanksgiving dinner based on Astrology.
I think that’s pretty cool … but what’s more cool?
Base the center piece of your Thanksgiving feast-meal on the astrological sign of your gobbler.
I mean … C’mon Man … the star of the show’s the...Read More »
Don’t ya just hate Christmas Blogs before Thanksgiving?
There’s a juicy pre-Christmas news item floating around outer space … and the internet … and it’s being linked to our total destruction.
No … it’s not the odds that jolly old St. Nick will get stuck in a chimney … causing “Christmas Interruptus.”
Or, an out-of-control-Rudolph will crash his reindeer team...Read More »
A … “A is for A-hole” … everyone has one … some use it properly and keep it clean … others, like you-know-who in the White House … are stuck with it as a character flaw.
B … “B is for Buttboy” … the role our resident A-hole plays with Vladimir...Read More »
“Bringing down al Big Bad-daddi” Narrated by Donald “Maddog Rambo” Trump
Like any great saga, the tale of a heroic deed grows exponentially with each telling as it morphs into a legend retold in medieval mead halls where minstrels spread the tale to the masses.
Here’s “Maddog Rambo Trump” … as his own “Digital Age Minstrel.”
“After mocking Obama for being a pansy-ass,...Read More »
Peyronie’s Disease ... A man ... his “dick” ... and vegetables
Is nothing sacred? Seriously Absurd certainly hope’s not!
Buried in the notorious 1998-99 impeachment battle over where Bill Clinton’s-Dick’s-been … somewhere amidst all the personal attacks, news reports, legal maneuvers, denials, he-said-she-saids and “that depends on what-is-is … Paula Jones allowed that she could ID … the Prez’s “member.”
When that “news”...Read More »
Spicer’s new dance partners? Jesus and Trump!
It’s tough to feel sorry for the folks who’ve found themselves twisted-up in the webs of deceit of our current Reality Show White House tenant.
But never fear! One of Seriously Absurd’s faves may have landed on his feet!
Sean Spicer … ex-White House crowd hallucinating ass-kissing-grunt … emerged from the Trump...Read More »
La Cucaracha 2.0
When someone mentions the word “cockroaches” your first reaction probably isn’t literary, musical or cinematic … or even thoughts of China.
In music the lowly cockroach appeared in the early 1800’s in a Spanish folksong … “La Cucaracha” … alluding to the fact that the poor roach could only walk in...Read More »
Lucifer backs the meatless movement ... Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
The meatless gangs … nee Vegans … roaming amongst us sure have created a maelstrom of negativity.
I’ll spare you all the “Vegan Facts” like better for the environment … better for your own health … better for the animals in our food chain … and it tastes good, too.
But there’s...Read More »
Lady Liberty Joins the “Me Too” Movement
When he who shall remain nameless as well as brainless heard there was actually a poetic plea attached to the Statue of Liberty which welcomed poor people of all races to our shores … he was shocked and revolted.
So our pea brained Imposter President immediately ordered his newest Acting-Whatever …...Read More »
Tiny Reality Bites ... At least in my case
I’ve had it with the debate season and lifelong campaign seasons.
We’re hopelessly stuck now that our “political season” has been taken over by Mr. Reality TV … the Orange Man … that bloated whiner who once was the figment of my imagination and now is the reality of my nightmares.
I...Read More »
The New Trumpistory ... History Gone Awry
On a July 4, 2019 stormy muggy evening at an outdoor national picnic staged at the feet of Abe Lincoln … our “current-genital-grabbing-Liar-and-Cheater-in-Chief-No Collusion/No Obstruction-you-can’t-make-this-shit-up-White-House-resident” painted a picture of our heroic armed forces making liberal use of Kellyanne Conway’s “Alternative Facts.”
Facing a fritzed-out teleprompter in mid-speech … forced to rely...Read More »
Just in from the Swamp: Madam Chao’s Supreme Proposal
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao stunned fellow cabinet members … husband Mitch McConnell … and the President this week.
Preferring to now be addressed as “Madam Chao,” she’s proposed that the US annex the Strait of Hormuz so she...Read More »
Cereal Killers, Anyone?
I’ve decided that the best source for our political news nowadays is a digital stroll through Dr. Google’s cereal aisle searching … “political humor cereal.”
Most of the political news and problems we face today can be analyzed, understood and quite possibly resolved if we were to carefully study political cereals.
To...Read More »
The dirtiest word ... the “I-Word”
We all know there’s an Aderall-addicted-tantrum-prone-narcissistic-preschooler currently running the White House … but now we’ve sunk to a new low!
To placate this spooked apparition of a President, our elected officials … and non-news-pundits … have taken to using what they refer to as … the “I-Word!”
Uh-oh … I flashback to...Read More »
National Trump of July Party ... “Hold that date!”
He couldn’t have his “toy soldier parade” … so he executed a hostile takeover of our national July 4th celebration … “Welcome to the Trump of July Party!”
You may soon know him as “Generalissimo Donaldo” … the guy who’s taking us below the level of an overripe-near-rotten Banana Republic …...Read More »
Free Gourmet Meal ... Tales from Junk-mail-land
I confess … I’m a “Junk Mail Junkie!”
I sort through and actually read what people have been kind enough to send to me.
Reading junk mail’s way more fun than reading online comments by Truck-Stop-Interstate-Traveler-Critics about the quality of American truck stop food … and then responding by touting truck stop...Read More »
“Say Yes to Linzess” ... Why?
April was IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) Awareness Month … say what? I guess the other 11 months no one “gives a s**t!”
I know this because I was watching TV the other night … and I paid particular attention to the commercials. Something very few people and no dogs ever do.
That’s...Read More »
The Chicken Foot Wars
The most prized chicken feet in the world are exported from the USA.
Uncle Sam tips his hat to Frank Perdue … creator of the big-breasted-hormone-stuffed-thunder-thighed chicken.
Our “big feet” make a difference. And the #1 importer of our quadruple E-sized chicken feet is, or rather was … China.
In a wave of...Read More »
What do Trump, the Bible and Easter have in common?
The “Evangies” love him.
His base worships him.
His signed Bibles are selling on E-Bay for $500 a pop … that’s sale price not asking price.
The annual Prayer Breakfast attendees hang on his every word … even when he “prayed” for Arnie Schwarzenegger’s ratings to “go down right through the tubes” for...Read More »
Holy Trump-o-cados! Trump and the “Party of Guacamole”
It’s anticipated the US will run out of avocados within three weeks from the looming date of the US-Mexico border closing … depriving millions of their beloved guacamole.
If there’s no guacamole, the NFL’s stated … there’s no Super Bowl!
Avocado futures have sky rocketed as have stocks in companies that produce...Read More »
Warning! Warning! We have a “fatberg” in DC
What’s composed of fat, flushed waste … is yuge and biggly, clogs and blocks systems … costs millions of dollars to manage … and it does not temporarily live in the White House?
If you didn’t think I was being truthful and you guessed “You-Know-Who,” then you’d be wrong.
Though they have...Read More »
Trump ... The Final Scene ... I had a dream ...
Dateline 2030 … Moscow … RT and Fox News exclusive … invitations sent worldwide.
Trump Tower Moscow lobby … a Russian flag and MAGA hat draped casket lies “in state” … closed.
Full military dressed dictators and ruling strongmen sit in the front rows … no “s**t hole countries” invited.
The crowd gasps...Read More »
“Sex, Lies and Video Tape” What not to do while staying at Mar-a-Lago
Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, everyone now knows of curious and nefarious links between Florida’s Orchids of Asia Spa … its founder Li “Cindy” Yang … and Palm Beach’s Mar-a-Lago … and its owner President (aargh I hate to say that) Trump.
As a dues paying member of the...Read More »
Stalin... Pickup Trucks ... Socialism ... Hamberders The Green New Deal
What’s green, new, backed by the first year democrats, and has the GOP scared outta their geriatric skin-folds?
It’s the Green New Deal (GND) … initiated by AOC and the “Wild Bunch” who’ve hit DC shakin’, rattlin’ and rollin’.
They have ideas … they’re impatient and expressing themselves “out of order” … ...Read More »
Do I “Spark Joy?”
There’s a seismic shift in the works at our house.
Doesn’t have anything to do with tweeting … new presidential candidates joining the fray … border walls, barriers, slats or fences … New Green Deals or Green New Deals … Bezos’ genitalia or Robert Kraft’s sexual predicament.
It does have to do...Read More »
Range Wars: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys ...”
1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.
It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to...Read More »
What’s Valentine's Day without “SweetHearts?"
Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day. Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?
To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.
Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.
Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they...Read More »
Hey Kale ... I can finally kiss your raggedy ass goodbye!
Kale No! … say “Sayanora” to your privileged position as the go-to Super Food. One punch to the gut and you fold like private-store-label cheap-frozen-spinach.
So much for being a “trend setter.” In the history of food ranking, you’re the “Mooch” as the King of Foods!
Hope you like your new space...Read More »
“Not in my House!”
(“President” Trump refuses to address House Speaker Nancy Pelosi using her title. He refers to her as “Nancy,” which is just another indication of his denigration of powerful women … so we should address him as “Donny” … instead of my usual … “s**t-for-brains.”)
Well … it’s settled!
There’ll be no presidential...Read More »
Screw the gym ... visit the “body shop!”
Okay … Okay … I’ve decided to hang ‘em up. Quit. Just let things go their natural way.
Life’s too short to continue this self-perpetuated myth that I could work my way into an Adonis … a Fabio … or even a Francois Henri “Jack” LaLanne … the Guru of American...Read More »
Old Fogey Tut-tuts?
Oops … there aren’t enough bathrooms. And …
They dress differently … act differently.
They’re not “respectful” … especially their language.
They don’t understand their roles … their places … they try to get ahead without serving their time.
They don’t understand … that’s not the way we do it here.
Who are “they?”
They’re the...Read More »
It’s January … post-holiday … and, the first month of the New Year.
After more than a month of celebrating with massive food intake, alcohol consumption, germ-spreading-family-get-togethers, holiday galas … and, yes interminable post college football season bowl game snacks … you’ve made “that decision.”
I don’t care who you are, where...Read More »
So you wanna to be an Ivy League Santa?
Is it just me … or is there a Santa on every corner … in every mall … in every department store stuck in the back corner of the toy department?
Santa’s at December birthday parties … office Xmas parties.
There’s also a worldwide schedule for an event called “Santacon” … from...Read More »
Letters to Santa ... and replies he wanted to send
My Mom told me I’m grounded until “Hell freezes over” … just because my dorky little brother ran into her bedroom crying and told her I said … “Santa Claus was dead.”
What a dirty little snitch.
Now I’ve got to come up with a way to convince...Read More »
The Real Xmas Wars
War’s been declared on Christmas … or as I like to say, Xmas!
Gird-up … this war’s being fought on several fronts and there’s no dearth of weaponry available.
Some folks are flame-throwing Christian soldiers marching off to Starbucks … apparently HQ Central Command for the Xmas Wars!
Others...Read More »
You’re a mean one ...
Thanksgiving’s over … all the turkeys have let out a collective sigh … and put away their “Eat Mor Chickin’” signs!
We can focus now on the Xmas season!
Given the climates … political and real … I’m not sure we’ll hear these old standards this year … “Santa Claus got stuck...Read More »
And you thought “The War of Northern Aggression” was over!
Southerners have a saying left over from their unfortunate ass-whuppin’ many years ago at the hands of some Northern Invaders … I’m not talkin’ about Canadians … I’m talkin’ about those “Damn Yankees.”
Many still say it proudly … though now mostly under their breaths.
That slogan became the slogan of...Read More »
What really matters ... and it’s not the mid-terms ...
Here it is a few days after the crazed two year run-up to the 2018 mid-terms … and I have yet to determine whether I won … lost … or am just too exhausted to give a damn.
In spite of the tsunami of media punditry attempting to explain the results...Read More »
The Double-Dip Controversy
Lowes is selling Xmas decorations … Xmas music’s blaring on Sirius Radio … and Hallmark’s started their 2018 Xmas movie series.
The “Holidays” are here … ‘tis the Party Season!
So … it’s time we addressed a critical issue … “double-dipping.”
We’re not talking ice cream cones here … and, who knew double-dipping...Read More »
Lonely Heart Trumpers
Poor Trumpers. Apparently they can’t find anyone to go out with and share a shoulder to cry on.
What? You mean to say that you’re not “date bait” once you align yourself with … a vile-red-MAGA-hat-wearing, lying, voter-suppressing, anti-women’s-rights, genital-grabbing, fascist, racist, misogynist, isolationist, family-separating, economy-wrecking, job-stultifying, wage-stagnating, oligarch-backing, international-murder-supporting, campaign-mob-violence-inciting...Read More »
Disneytizing Grimm Tales
Many of us spent our childhoods watching Disney films thinking that “When we wished upon a star …” good things would happen.
Walt and his minions at Disney sanitized stories … whitewashing the blood, gore and fear from early fairy tales … brainwashing millions who are now confused, old, people …...Read More »
Wretched, wretched cauliflower!
If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’
Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!
Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there...Read More »
The Canadians are attacking ... The Canadians are attacking!
Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.
In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.
Since these miniature replicas of...Read More »
The Lob-stah Pot ...
Life’s falling apart in Maine … the State of hard-rock-logical-thinkers … down to earth farmers … “ya cahn’t get thaih from hearh” direction givers … and of course, Steven King’s throat curdling life threatening horror novels!
“Yeahup” … that Maine.
Home of Maine lob-stah … the lob-stah roll … lob-stah Thermidor, Newburg,...Read More »
“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”
3D printers are here … and they work. Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.
Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the...Read More »
Geraldo’s Back ... and yelling, “Vault, vault? Did someone mention a vault?”
In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.
Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody...Read More »
“National Enquirer’s” Furious Bat Boy Flips on Trump
Bat Boy … enraged over all the money thrown around salacious Trump affairs … is telling everybody that he’s totally pissed … and he’s contacted Special Counsel Mueller and the SDNY to schedule “tell all” sessions concerning his relationship to President Donald Trump.
Yes … that Bat Boy.
The one who first...Read More »
Space Balls USSF
The truth’s out for the 1001st time … we have a balls-out seriously insane man lurching through the halls of our White House impersonating a US President.
Now he wants to go to alternative universes … as if he wasn’t already in one.
He’s entered the realm of surreal absurdity with a...Read More »
Step Away from that Chicken!
I can hear the Poultry Police now … “Okay Lady, drop the chicken! Put your hands in the air and step away from that chicken!”
Sound crazy? Not so much.
You never know who out there’s a Chicken Hugger … or worse, a Chicken Licker … or Kisser!
The next person you pass...Read More »
Soy Beans ... Willie Nelson ... and Chick-fil-A
Earlier we rallied for the pig farmers and how they’d been screwed by the Trump Tariffs when all they wanted to do was sell their damn pigs … ears and all!
Pig farmers appeared on all the news shows … except FOX … and along with their sows and boars …...Read More »
The Russian is coming ... The Russian is coming!
Hooray for our current White House “Orange-Toddler-in-Residence.”
He’s unleashed yet another sex-politics-guns-threats, and “tricks-for-treats” sex-capade from the political slime swamp he calls his presidency.
Before the FBI’s through with this secret agent sex adventure, ‘45 may wish he had stuck with this not so simple Helsinki riddle …
“How much would, would a...Read More »
Going Whole Hog
We’re at war! And … Uncle Don needs you … yes you … and you … he needs all of us!
Hop on the patriotic band wagon … come to the defense of America’s pig farmers.
Grab your bright red MAGA hat and head to your supermarket … deli … hotdog stand...Read More »
Beauty ... not what it seems
Blame it all on Phineas T. Barnum. He held the first modern beauty pageant in 1854.
Though public outrage forced Barnum’s sideshow pageant to close down, beauty pageants have continued to pop up their vexatious little voyeuristic heads … providing profits for men.
And ample opportunities as outlets for male puerile behavior...Read More »
I’m Glad I’m a Guy ... Human Type
There are times when I’m really glad I’m a guy … a human guy!
George M. Cohan, told us that “The birds do it … bees do it … even educated fleas do it.”
It’s true … every morning I stroll along the shores and boardwalk of Lake Dora, one of the...Read More »
Devil asks God for a Summit ...
Summits are in vogue … everybody wants one … even the Devil … in his case, with God.
Location … heaven … God at his desk … bright-red-hot-line phone pulsates … destroys God’s moment of Zen … ringtone’s “There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight!”
He presses “Talk” and...Read More »
Let’s Blame Walt ...
The Royal Wedding’s come and gone … and the tabloids already have the Princess pregnant!
In spite of America’s blue collar-ness … lift me up by my own bootstraps-ness … work my way to the top-ness … we seem to have a penchant for believing in princess fairy tales.
And the idea...Read More »
“High Noon” ... a remake?
The Scene …
Manhattan … 5th Avenue … the watches in Tiffany’s, clocks in Bergdorf’s and Abercrombie all read 11:50 AM … approaching twelve P.M.
The “Ballad of High Noon” blasts over speakers strung along the designated block of 5th Avenue.
“Do not forsake me on my darlin’ ….”
Media vans and emergency vehicles...Read More »
She’s Baaaack ...
But, never underestimate the power of money and greed filling the troughs of media capitalists. Her critically acclaimed TV series may continue.
ABC got a glimpse of just how marketable Trumpists and Trumpism is in today’s USA … and will not retreat quietly into the Trump Night.
The high octane hate...Read More »
“This just in ...”
Now that ‘45 has scuttled the North Korea summit, we at Seriously Absurd international headquarters wonder about the following:
Will the Nobel Peace Prize score card remain at … Trump zero, nada, zilch, a big empty bag of windy threats … Obama one?
Word in DC is that Kim canceled the meeting...Read More »
Message for Paul Ryan ... “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape!”
I sure am glad GOP Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s slinking off to the hills of Wisconsin at the end of his term. I just wish it were sooner.
In the meantime … here’s a bit of advice, Paul.
As you leave DC before the door hit’s you in the ass...Read More »
Trump Receives long awaited “Take Home Exam”
Rudy Giuliani’s joined the “Prison-Orange-Is-The-New-Trump-Orange” … so we gotta keep Trump outta jail crack legal team.
As he prepares for a first date with “I-Don’t-Kiss-And-Tell” Bob Mueller … Rudy’s new organization, “InfoLeaks,” replaces WikiLeaks as the primary source to help formulate ‘45’s legal strategy.
True to Rudy’s role as “The Grand Leaker,”...Read More »
The Fall of the Romaine Empire
I’ve exchanged recent emails with friends … Ha, I have some … about the calamity of our Romaine-E.coli national panic … and the “Fall of the Romaine Empire!”
In those exchanges, it became clear that I’m rather rigid in my expectations of what should be in a salad … some have...Read More »
The HitchBot’s Guide to the USA
I’m 10 years old. Mom’s looking down at me saying, “Never … never ever hitchhike, Dickie. There’re bad people out there who will pick you up, torture you, and then kill you.”
From that point … I’ve never stuck my thumb out to bum a ride.
Now my worst fear’s come true.
We...Read More »
Michael Cohen ... Legal Eagle ... Welcome to the Big Time
It’s a legal thriller John Grisham couldn’t write.
Welcome to Trump World … a dystopian fantasy land for all those living in the crowded nightmare of Trump’s never ending criminal investigations.
How lucky do you think “The Mooch” feels? In-and-out of Trump World so fast he didn’t even get an autographed “You’re...Read More »
Trump announces “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month” April Fools?
The slimiest sleazebag sexual predator riding the streets in a bulletproof limo has announced that April is “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.”
It’s almost as if President Dickwad is using himself as the motivator so we can be aware of the magnitude of this problem.
I wonder how the women...Read More »
Championship for the Politically Aged
“Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”
Forget about “The Thrilla’ in Manila” and “The Rumble in the Jungle.” They were hissy-fits compared to what’s going down.
Two political heavy weights … literally and symbolically … issued the required initial taunts and insults to hold a winner take all “Championship for the Politically Aged.”
Already...Read More »
FLASH ... Sex Toys-R-Us is Closing
It’s bad enough that Toys-R-Us has filed for “Liquidation” … probably closing all 754 of its remaining stores. But the worst is yet to come!
The phone at Seriously Absurd hasn’t stop ringing with rumors from the Interstate-Truck-Stop–Hotline … apparently “Sex-Toys-R-Us” is following in the kid focused footsteps of Toys-R-Us.
The battle...Read More »
Hey, Betsy DeVos ... “You Ma’am, Are No Betsy Ross”
“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”
Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.
BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.
And, her “Safe School...Read More »
It’s not a Bear Market in Bear Land!
Teddy Roosevelt’s spinning in his grave.
The Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s feeling the pressure.
The world renowned Steiff Company in Germany is in daily meetings … all preparing for the worst. And folks … it’s coming … Bear-mageddon!
There’s a war in the “Bear House” and it’s upsetting the delicate Teddy Bear world...Read More »
If you think I’m talking about hair styles and gel art … think again oh, icicle licking one!
With a gold medal performance by the Americans at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics, curling has taken over the US of A faster than a Trumpian Tweetfest.
And in our own typical yuuge and biggly...Read More »
Seriously Stupid is Alive and Well ... For Now
The “Non-Thinking-Male-Teen-Near-Human-Species” enters the scene … every cell phone’s locked and loaded … set to take a video later placed on YouTube.
An “I dare you!” is uttered from his subspecies admirers and a “Challenge” is accepted.
It could be …
“The Gallon Challenge” … chugging a gallon of milk, sometimes more …...Read More »
Surprises in the Middle Seat
Just in case you’ve been locked in a closet for a decade or so, let me “jet” you to the seriously absurd consequences of a seemingly benign federal law which allows air travelers to be accompanied by their “BFF Emotional Support Animals” … think cuddly puppy or fluffy kitty.
But the...Read More »
Pick me ... Pick me!
A new reality show’s stormin’ through our lives!
Cities across the US are soiling themselves … prostrate at the multi-billion dollar feet of Amazon’s Jeff Bezos … Tech’s answer to “The Greatest Showman.”
He’s turned Amazon’s search for a second headquarters (HQ2) into an Olympics site selection extravaganza.
And the “Grand Prize” is...Read More »
Talk, talk, talk ... You talk too much!
Just a thought, but it seems the folks in Washington “working” at our behest could use sage advice from Joe Jones’ 1960 hit single … “You Talk Too Much.”
“You talk too much …You worry me to death
You talk too much … You even worry my pet
You just tal –...Read More »
Mueller Investigation Strikes Home
Just in on the HHL … HussHotLine.
After his “I-will-meet-anytime-anyplace showdown” with Bob Mueller, “45’s” positions on meeting have been doing 360’s like Linda Blair’s head in “The Exorcist.” Sans projectile vomiting.
Lawyers for “45” are apoplectic.
They’re terrified he’ll impulsively slip out of the White House after scarfing down his two Big...Read More »
Seriously in need of perspective ...
Kaboom! Kaboom! … fireworks explode …it’s the end of 2017 and the start of the New Year.
Slam that door on 2017… what a relief … a horrendous year!
Oops … we’re only seven days into 2018 and gobsmacked over the “fireworks” encountered.
Where to start?
For sure The Weather Channel has overtaken the...Read More »
The Three Searchers
Early evening. Stars pop out in the winter skies over Lebanon, Kansas located in Smith County … years ago determined by someone to be the exact middle of the continental US.
It’s getting closer to Xmas and time is running out for the three men wearing raincoats as they enter Pooche’s,...Read More »
That “Special Place” in Hell is Very Crowded!
Ivanka Trump started it the other day with her catchphrase that placed Judge Roy Moore in a “special place in Hell.”
There’s a lot of anger in our world today. And thanks to Ivanka, pundits, Op Ed’ers, reporters, political contributors … just about anybody and everybody writing/talking about politics in the...Read More »
My New Favorite Xmas Carol
Borrowed from the original, “The Christmas Song,’ written in 1945 by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé, it’s more commonly known as “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.”
Feel free to sing this repeatedly … but be warned, it may become and “ear worm” throughout your Happy Holidays … Oops, I mean...Read More »
The “War on Christmas” is over!
Ho, ho, ho … “45’s” declared that the “War on Xmas is over!”
“45” appears in front of the National Christmas Tree wearing a flight jacket donning a military cap … arms raised in front of a banner declaring:
“I’ve Put the Baby Jesus Back in Christmas!”
“He-Who-Temporarily-Resides-in-the-White-House” is flanked by representatives...Read More »
Crap ... it’s Thanksgiving ... again!
You would think that I’d finally get a handle on celebrating Thanksgiving. Afterall, I’ve eaten turkey at the big table for almost ¾ century.
And another one’s right around the calendarial corner.
Maybe I’m overly cynical … but don’t cast your vote until after you’ve read my Thanksgiving “reality exposé.”
For many folks...Read More »
I don’t care ... It’s still an effing squash!
My attitude about pumpkins is less than positive.
I don’t care how you dress it up a pumpkin is still nothing more than an overgrown squash. And true to the sound of its name … a squash is a squash … and a pumpkin is a squash.
How can you create inviting...Read More »
“Lookin’ for loofah’s in all the wrong places ...”
Don’t know about you, but I thought I’d heard just about everything there was to hear about those wild and crazy Florida transplants living in The Villages, the largest 55+ community in the US.
Now I gotta admit I’m gobsmacked by the latest info leakin’ from this quasi-Disney-esque enchanted world for...Read More »
Grudge Match: God vs Bill O’Reilly
Bill O’Reilly, Fox Broadcasting’s arbiter of moral values and women’s private parts, has had it with God.
“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said in a recent podcast after being outted for his 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
Meanwhile from on high, Heavenly Leakers spread the word … O’Reilly...Read More »
From the Magic 8 Ball to Siri
Seems to me that the world’s becoming smarter and smarter … if you’re talking digital, not biological life.
Based on the last few weeks and our politics, however, I’d say the biological side seems to be getting dumber and dumber.
But in our household, we’ve taken steps to combat that slide...Read More »
45’s Amazing Disappearing Cabinet
“You can’t fire me … I quit!”
This dialog, once reserved only for “The Apprentice,” now reverberates throughout the halls of the West Wing.
Who’s next to go? Las Vegas odds makers placed “even money” on …
Rex “I’ll-Never-Admit-I-Called-The-F**king-Moron-A-F**king-Moron” Tillerson
Steven “My-New-Wife’s-Really-Nice-Once-You-Get-To-Know-Her” Mnuchin
Ryan “I’ll-Get-That-Alaska-Senate-Witch-Yet” Zinke
Jeff “I’m-NOT-A-Keebler-Elf” Sessions, and
Scott “Wow-I-Never-Thought-They-Would-Get-Price” Pruitt.
As for other Cabinet...Read More »
The Dead Man Fanny Pack
Did ya miss me? Huh? Huh?
So I’m trying to catch-up after almost two weeks of being in digital lockdown thanks to Hurricane Irma.
While “speed reading” thru emails and junk mail … BTW, I love my SPAM mail … I catch a headline …”Dead Man Fanny Packs.”
I immediately think … blog...Read More »
Killer Fashions: “You too, can stand your ground, look good, and quick-draw!”
When the models strut down this high fashion runway, you’d better duck for cover. They’re all packin’ and you’ll be the last to know … ‘cause you’re watching a “Concealed Carry Fashion Show!”
It’s the hottest fashion show to hit the scene since Victoria’s Secret Angel’s got their wings. No competition...Read More »
Take that, you turkey!
From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks. Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.
No one’s safe!
After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans. Yes … it’s a matter...Read More »
What to do with all that bronze?
Aargh … we’re in the middle of another Bronze Age. But this one’s different.
It’s all about what we can do with the 1500+ Confederate symbols scattered across the country… of which 750+ are Confederate war statues.
Ideas are pouring into the central office of Seriously Absurd with the “sound and fury”...Read More »
Oh My ... 45’s* still with us! ..................................................................... (*Many now refer to Trump as “45” ... not President.)
I was desperately searching for non-45 related blog ideas trying to break free from the “He-who-shall-not-be-mentioned” malaise fogging my brain, reducing my food cravings, and maximizing my urge for self-destructive behavior.
I found some non-sciencers who think the solar eclipse is the “Devil’s Spawn.” Potential fun there.
The Smurf Village in Juzcar,...Read More »
Google Guy Opens Mouth ... Inserts Size 13 Foot!
Uhoh … Google’s done it again. Yes … on the famed Google Campus … that jewel of openness and corporate camaraderie … the place where everyone else would love to be.
Yep, that Google.
The nasty, dirty, warty, abusive underbelly of their ideal workplace environment … and unbelievable cafeteria options … has...Read More »
I tried making friends without Facebook
The other day I was thinking about the “good old days.” You know … the ones before Facebook.
I tried to recall what I did to “make friends.” It seemed to be really easy for me, but I wondered: Maybe I’ve lost that touch since most of my friend-making now involved...Read More »
If I had it to do all over again ... Dream Weddings
I dunno about you, but there are few things in my life I’d redo.
That doesn’t mean that I’ve been that good … it just means that my mistakes didn’t occur where there were lawyers or cops around.
But then I read in The Huffington Post that you can “dream your own...Read More »
Privacy ... the Last Bastion
FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet. The other 40% are probably lying.
Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than...Read More »
Paul Ryan’s War against Women Baring Arms
Well … we may not be able to get meaningful legislation passed in Congress, but at least we‘ll “look good” in Paul Ryan’s House of Representatives.
“Tall Paul,” who’s beginning to look more and more like that ridiculously un-cuddly Munster son, Eddie Wolfgang Munster, has taken the control of the House...Read More »
Conspiracy: Follow the Bouncing Ball
Just when I thought the US owned all Fake News, I read … “China floods Eastern markets with plastic rice!”
Wow … glad rice isn’t my go-to-side dish or the base for my entrée.
This is a yuuge and bigly Asian-pseudo-scandal that periodically pops up. And when it does, everyone goes bat...Read More »
Presidents and “Hunting” — Macho, Macho Man!
Most politicians hunt more than votes to prove they’re manly enough to bring home the bacon needed to fill the pork barrel called Washington.
Witness Teddy “Sure-they-named-a-cuddly-bear-after-me” Roosevelt. He sure made it clear he was a “Big Game Guy” when he cleared the prairies and the African savannahs to establish his...Read More »
Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!
Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.
According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.
“I want to play...Read More »
How Not to Feel Totally F**ked Over
There’s no question that garden-variety-non-one-per-cent Americans feel like they’re royally f**ked.
Here’re a few ideas on how we can move back from the edge of an imminent America-sized sinkhole and the international “game of chicken” we’ve been playing.
Foreign Affairs … Our current approach makes the Huns, Vandals and Visigoths look like...Read More »
Does this surgery make my butt look ...?
Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line! Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.
No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.
Many of these characters came straight from that...Read More »
Worry ... What me?
Worry has a way about it. Almost everything I’ve worried about has had little or no impact on my life and in retrospect most of it’s been, “Seriously Absurd.”
Elementary school trying “to please” my parents … running with scissors, dodge ball, cursive, spelling tests … and the school bully.
Junior...Read More »
Andy & I ... An Oval Office Conversation
Date … any day President Trump’s in the White House … therefore, not a weekend or Friday afternoon.
Time … 3 AM.
Scene … Oval Office … Trump’s pacing in front of the Presidential Portrait of “Ole#7,” Andrew Jackson … Trump’s clutching his Presidential Blackberry …Jackson’s portraited eyes follow Trump.
PrezT: I dunno,...Read More »
News Flash! This Just In ...
In my attempt to be totally informed and up to date, I check rogue Twitter accounts, obscure Lithuanian blogs, the “Dark Web,” and cave writings looking for information below the public’s radar.
Some of you may doubt the veracity of the following alt-alt-facts.
President Barack completes application for membership at Mar-a-Lago.
His “Family...Read More »
Bring Back the Mastadons!
Bring back the Mastodons … manly-kind is in crisis!
When the Mastodons dominated North America … also known as the “all-things-manly-days” … men led pheromone laced lives.
They gathered in smelly gangs of “Bros” and ran through the wild lands yelling, screaming and shaking their spears as they hunted the Megafauna to...Read More »
“And another one bites the dust ...”
21st Century Fox pronounced again … “We will no longer tolerate sexual harassment in our workplace!
No trouser dropping, genital grabbing, sex laced innuendo spouting old men allowed in our studios.”
At least not this one particular guy.
On the same day he shook hands with Pope “Frank-the-Wonder” Francis, Bill “Leer-Grunt-and-Masturbate” O’Reilly was...Read More »
Speed Eating Sports ... Gluttons Make it to the Big Time
Ladies and Gentlemen … start your choppers!
Open … stuff … chomp … glug!
You’ve now entered the arena of “speed eating sports” where there’s no time for chewing or savoring.
Though it may not take the highly honed hand-eye coordination of other sports … food eating contests have captured the imagination of...Read More »
As if we didn’t have enough to worry about ... Now there’s “Bunnygeddon!”
Easter’s right around the corner. Oh boy! Bring on the bunnies!
Bunnies are so-o-o cute and cuddly. Bunnies are soft and allegedly gentle. But … bunnies become rabbits and that’s the problem.
Not the problem visited upon the hapless folks in a small Arizona town invaded by 1,000s of mutant, carnivorous killer...Read More »
The New Stooges ... Donnie, Mitch & Paulie
Fear not … those of you concerned about education and specifically pre-school learning.
Donny, Mitch and Paulie, the Three Stooges of DC, have teamed up with their new BFF, Betsy “I-Know-My-ABC’s-And-Am-A-Nice-Person” DeVoss, and are coming to our rescue.
It’s a FOX/Trump re-make of that outdated TV preschool neighborhood … aptly named …...Read More »
Land Ho ... A Great American Land Grab
An unclaimed sliver of land is about to become the media center of world obsession.
If you ask Junior & Eric Trump … “Trump Tundra Ice-Golf & Spa … always on the move!” is perfect for a new Trump International investment. They have yet to grasp that ice melts in water. ...Read More »
Step back from your microwave ... your TV ... and your fridge
Break out the tinfoil hats. The best is yet to come.
The “Trump Fake Newsies” just keep on coming. I can’t make this s**t up fast enough to keep up with the real fake news that the news fakers try to fake us out with daily.
Trumplethinskin staffers may as well sing...Read More »
What if ______ had an iPhone?
Communicating with each other’s here to stay. It’s not a fad.
It all started with grunts and hand motions. And it worked for early grunters.
Raise your grunt volume for emphasis, or use endearing little grunts in the private dark recesses of the cave.
No food in the larder? She grunts, points at...Read More »
A Day Without ...?
First we had The Women’s March … aka The Nasty Woman and Pink Pussy Hat Day.
Not to be out done by this massive vulvaic-female demonstration … on February 16th, we had our first “A Day without Immigrants” … which according to reports unfortunately cost lots of hard working immigrants their...Read More »
Get Your Bachelor's Degree in "Protest Science"
Several “for profit” universities in Flori-duh, a state that generally abhors education, jumped at the opportunity to offer the nation’s first certification degree in “Protest Science.”
Spurred on by the alt-fact observations of the current administration that “all the protests against their agenda are obviously the work of paid professionals,” these...Read More »
Mother Trumpie Goose
President Thinskin, AKA “L’homme d’orange,” has oozed into almost all of our waking hours … our thoughts … our discussions … and quite possibly that safe place we once held as carefree kids.
Our Mother Goose Land of Make Believe.
The soon to be released “Trumpie Goose Rhymes,” the must have nightie-night...Read More »
Tom Brady's Super Bowl Jersey Stolen: Waa, Waa!
Sound the claxons! Man the battle stations! Inflate the gates!
A thief moves among the New England Patriots.
In a brazen act, under the cloak of jubilant celebratory chaos, Tom Brady’s #12 Super Bowl game jersey was stolen from the dirty uniform paraphernalia Mr. Terrific stuffed into his “game bag” inside his...Read More »
Bringing Home the Bacon
“To market, to market, to buy a fat pig;
Home again, home again, dancing a jig….”
Thank you, Mother Goose.
Wake up America and smell the bacon! Wait a minute … hold those hogs!
For two days America was on the brink of a crisis of true Trumpian proportions … not an alt-fact-Reality-TV-cooked-up-crisis!
Angst...Read More »
Doom-da-Doom-Doom Doom-da-Doom-Doom Doom-da-Doom-Doomsday!
We’ve seen, read or heard some version of all of these: “The sky is falling … the sky is falling” … “The end is near” … “The world will end some time tomorrow.”
But shock and awe … I just learned we actually maintain a “Doomsday Clock.” And, we’re very serious...Read More »
“Hey little girl, wanna sell me a cookie?”
‘Tis the season. Yep … just like clockwork.
It’s that time when you hear the doorbell … and it’s not Amazon.com dropping off the package you ordered a few hours ago. Prime pays, Baby!
You race to the door, fling it open and you’re greeted by the cherubic smile from the girl-in-green...Read More »
C-Span Ratings Irk Trumpelthinskin
Demonstrating that he’s capable of fighting wars on multiple fronts … think Streep Tweet War, Putin Hack War, Cabinet Confirmation War, Personal Lawsuit Wars, No DC Gown Wars … President-elect Trump now has C-Span (Congressional TV) in his sights.
He’s pissed about C-Span’s nonexistent TV ratings and is determined to “Make...Read More »
Who Says There's No Free Lunch
No wonder Millennials can’t cook. They’re cashing in on incredible free eats where they work. And from what I’ve read, there’s no way in hell they’re cooking in their own little Silicon Valley kitchenette hovels … where all their money goes for rent.
Recently I caught a lead-in phrase which started...Read More »
Santa “The Red”
I’m in line at the Post Office … brain and eyes wandering. They strobe across a photo posted on the wall.
I move closer to take a look.
The Feds are after some guy for burglary … trespassing … flying w/o a license … entering restricted no-fly zones … violations of child...Read More »
Tis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.
My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Wait a minute. Don’t worry! I’ve got the secret! I have found The Way … The Cure! I denounce the “fatitude”...Read More »
Joy to the Wallet
As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.
Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”
No more. Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.
C’mon Man …...Read More »
Trump Out ... Thanks Giving In
I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted from the Trump this, that and everything. If there is a Media Hog God in this world, please let her rise up, hit the delete key and get rid of the monster that’s been created.
Don “The Con” hasn’t even been sworn in...Read More »
And you thought 2016 was all about Trump vs Hillary
The wild and wooly 2016 presidential election’s over. The peaceful, but awkward transition of power’s begun.
Democratic Party autopsies, euphemisms for “I told you so,” are rolling out.
But the real fun of a spent election is the review of ballot issues that don’t get the nation’s attention … the state and...Read More »
Sperm ‘n Eggs
When you make a deposit at the bank, you’re expected to keep your genitals in your pants … most of the time.
But, that’s not required at a new bank in the area.
I’m not messing with you! You won’t be arrested. You‘re not gonna be the new poster boy replacing Weiner’s...Read More »
Flori-duh ... Why Leave?
So what’s the deal with all these non-Flori-duh states flooding my pristine (just kidding) airwaves extolling their virtues?
My screen’s filled with crap about why I need to haul my butt to … Michigan, or New York, or Pennsylvania. Comeon, man!
Do you really expect me to buy into the fly fishing...Read More »
Just Released: Donald Trump Stars in “Nasty Woman”
Debates number one and two were packed with lots of good s**t … especially if you’re a poke-fun-at-anything-that-moves Blogger.
But that third one … what a gold mine. A real monster lode.
And it was wrapped-up in bright orange flesh, skanky orange hair, and unbelievably bushy orange eyebrows. The vein just kept...Read More »
Creepy Clowns? Stephen King ... What Did You Spawn?
It’s October … time for pumpkin spice in everything we cook, smell, drink, slather and otherwise ingest into our bodies. Yummy!
Time for adult Halloween costume parties. Yippee!
Time to send in the clowns. Uh oh!
What’s up? Bozo, Ronald McDonald and Clarabell … have you gone over to the dark side?
Is there...Read More »
And Don the Con emerged from the Penthouse in the Sky.
Descending on his gilded escalator, his bitty hands cradle a gold-plated Power Point … displayed for all to see.
His baseball hatted worshipers peer at him in glassy eyed adulation as He bellows, “This Power Point was given directly to me...Read More »
Americans ... Cleanup your act ... The Bum Gun is here.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling like an “Ugly American” … an unclean citizen of the world.
Some of us feel so ugly that when we travel, we say … “We’re Canadian.”
Canadians? What’s up with that?
You know the Canadians. They’re the ones who live just...Read More »
Super Debate #1 ... Party Plans
Just got back from Publix … with my stash for my Super Debate #1 Bash!
Been mentally prepping for weeks. Lots of suspense … who’s gonna grab the Super Debate #1 ring?
On the kitchen counter I sort my stash into my basic food groups: Alcohol … beer, wine (for my wife)...Read More »
Not another Claxton!
Lowe’s hasn’t put out Xmas decorations yet, but I can already hear the “Devil’s Décor” rattling around in boxes trying to get to the shelves and ruin my Xmas.
This year I’m beating Lowe’s to the punch and starting my Xmas spirit early.
There’s a chill in the air, a spring in...Read More »
A chicken in every pot ... 1928 ............... A taco truck on every corner ... 2016
You know what takes real balls? Making a tangible campaign promise. One that can be easily measured by voters.
Herbert Hoover did that in 1928 when he not only promised “a chicken in every pot,” but went on to promise “a car in every garage.”
But … just to prove that the...Read More »
To Floss or not to Floss?
That may be the question, but suddenly millions of us are chomping on our dental plates to know, “what’s the effing answer?”
After years of dire warnings, what do you mean there’s no evidence that daily flossing is beneficial?
I’ve wrestled with that crippling guilt of being an Intermittent Flosser, or “IFer,”...Read More »
Kurt Vonnegut ... “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”
Aaah, Sweet Baby, Geezus. I was thinking about the reality of living with someone in shared space colliding with our fantasies of relationships.
You’re probably already sayin’, “Whoa back, Richard … there’s still time. Get your meds … or some Vodka.
“You still share space with a really wonderful person. Don’t blow...Read More »
We’re not on Sesame Street anymore, Oscar!
Donald Trump’s burn down the stage, the country and all other flammable objects on the planet has folks looking to space travel to escape his one man conflagration.
I, on the other hand, am not joining them. Having read all Sherlock Holmes’ novels, I have honed my considerable skills to detect...Read More »
It’s an all new Hall of Shame
I’m assembling a star studded collection for my new unvarnished-forever-to-live-in-history, GOP Un-Truth-Truth Hall of Shame.
Immortalized by bronze busts and abutting their “Blue Ribbon” bronzed word salads, these GOP’ers represent the best-of-the-best.
Tickets for the Hall may be purchased at any WalMart. Fat old white men receive a 50% discount – no...Read More »
Poo ... but not Winnie
Warning … warning! This blog may have laxative effects.
Sometimes an idea, or ideas, for a blog rumble around my cranial nether regions … or maybe the phrase should be “cranium and nether regions” … and then, before I know it, a blog explodes.
Lucky you … read on if you...Read More »
Pop, Pop – No Pop – Sad
The GOP Convention’s over. I’ve learned that we’re on the verge of a total apocalyptical collapse and only Don the Con can save us.
Thank the gods we have The Con. I sure hope he can solve another major problem facing millions of us.
In one smooth innovative patent swoop, Sealed...Read More »
The Yuugest Show on Earth
It’s time for the “Carrot Face Big Top Convention” … The GOP’s Circus Maximus is the “Yuugest Show on Earth!”
Picture all three rings filled with enraged blood thirsty pachyderms, twirling in tutus. Astride two are the presidential hopeful and his Veep pick.
All are followed closely by the “GOP Losers”...Read More »
The Secret Life of Corn Flakes
I was thirteen … the age when boys usually became “sexually aware” of their bodies. Yep, “dat tang” suddenly was available for something other than peeing.
So I got my first, “The Doctor Says …” pamphlet from my mom, which she slipped under my pillow.
I dutifully read it, but what...Read More »
Everything you never wanted to know about “Brexit”
Under no circumstances should you try to Wikipedia, Google or SNOPES my ideas, or in any way assign a degree of truth to what I say about “Brexit” … the British exit from the European Union.
That’s not to say, I’m a hoax. Just consider yourself duly warned...Read More »
You Say “Vacation and I Say “Nakation”...
I got invited to dinner the other night and couldn’t make up my mind about what not to wear.
Yep. That’s right. I was headed out to try one of the hottest new dining trends … I call it “Nudie-Foodies.”
Okay … so I made that up … but only the...Read More »
Walter Cronkite ... where are you when we need you?
“R.I.P.?” Not Walter Cronkite. He’s a veritable whirling dervish … spinning in his grave. Poor dead Walter.
And what got him spinning started with Paddy Chayevsky’s 1976 screen play, “Network,” a prescient dark comedy about American news casting.
If you’ve seen “Network,” you probably recall Peter Finch as trench-coated news anchor,...Read More »
The Brady “Munch”
Okay … so the New England Patriots’ Deflategate-Cheatin’-QB, Tom Brady, may still get to play next year because he’s appealed his four-game suspension.
But, he can never escape “flattened ball jokes,” so his quest for perfection is over.
What’s a poor guy (who’s worth gazillions) to do?
It’s simple. He develops a...Read More »
Wine Snobs Unite ... Read and Weep
Fast forward … Star Date 24th century … the USS Voyager’s in the Delta Quadrant with Captain Janeway.
Stars glide past Voyager’s windows … In front of the Replicator, Janeway orders a glass of Pinot Noir. Neelix watches over your shoulder as you go for the Chardonnay.
In seconds Captain Janeway’s...Read More »
I haven’t gone “crackers” on you. And no, I’m not eating Goldfish Crackers with … or as my sushi.
But there are honest-to-god-no-fingers-crossed restaurants where goldfish sushi tops the menu as the new, hot, go-to item.
You mean there are coldstone Ginsu knife-flipping-sushi chefs who slip my guppy between rice and...Read More »
Mr. Trump Goes to Washington
This was way “yuuuger” than the second coming … or any coming for that matter.
The “Mr. Trump Goes to Washington” media countdown started two seconds after Speaker Paul Ryan’s public declaration that he was not sure whether he could be The Donald’s BFF now … or ever.
Media pundits jumped...Read More »
Gun Totin’ Toddlers
In 2016, Toddlers shot more Americans than have been shot, bombed, beheaded and/or drowned by Muslim Terrorists, ISIS or Boko Haram.
The score? Toddlers 23 including 11 fatalities – Terrorists … zero, nada, zilch.
It’s yet to be determined if criminal charges will be filed against Toddlers and whether they would...Read More »
He Said What?
Breaking News … this just in: “The oxygen’s been sucked out of the room” resulting in “no there there,” and because it was all “too little too late,” it’s time for the “Five Stages of Grief.”
Attempts by cable media to explain the 2016 GOP primary campaign are so horrific...Read More »
Houston, we have a problem …
Sorry folks, for those of you who were on the edge of your seats waiting for me to make your Sunday … it was a miraculous week throughout the entire universe and in spite of humanity’s best intentions, not a seriously absurd event took place.
Oops...Read More »
Peeing in North Carolina
“Charlotte, we have a problem” … as does Raleigh, Winston-Salem and all cities in North Carolina with public restrooms … more commonly known as bathrooms.
As of March 23, 2016, the state of North Carolina took a giant leap backward and decided that your at-birth biological gender shall determine, for...Read More »
Dawn of the Nearly Dead – Baseball Style
The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.
You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.
Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker...Read More »
Trump’s Cabinet ... It’s Really, Really Small
Well … The Donald’s emerged from the antediluvian slime pit that spawned him to make nice with the GOP after pooping on their parade.
It was a fun packed week for “Day-Glo Donald” … Lock up women who have abortions … Get rid of NATO … Let nuclear weapons morph...Read More »
Happy Eostre, Pagan Style
It’s Easter Sunday … the highest of high holy days for Christians.
But hold on a sec. What about those of us who claim to be devout pagans?
Not the virginal sacrificing, body painting, blood curdling yellers who rush headlong into battle pagans. Not them. I’m talking about the fully clothed, rather...Read More »
When is a Foot not a Foot?
Americans love a good fight. We fight each other and other countries. We fight at beer parties, Palin family parties and in political parties. We’ll fight over infinitesimal issues, world-wide issues, or no issues.
The sad “Trumpian” fact is … we love to brawl.
You might think our best fighters are the...Read More »
“Wild Things” Ride Forever
In a nanosecond of self-reflection – rare for me – I ask, “What the bejesus have I learned in my many orbits around this wobbly earth?”
When I blip back to my own version of reality, I wonder if there’s anyone who gives a s**t?” … and if there is, do...Read More »
GOP Faces Dump Trump D-Day Armageddon
NEWSFLASH … The GOP’s rapidly imploding soul is on life support!
Trump “sucks so much oxygen out of the room,” the GOP’s suffering from collective delusions of creating a Trump-Free Zone stretching from all 50 states to American Samoa and the great beyond.
After years of fertilizing the mutant egg that gave birth...Read More »
China’s Outsourcing ... No Bull!
It’s all over. Done and done. Finished.
The ultimate outsourcing has begun. Not here in the US with our dog-eat-dog corporations, but in China! Yes, China.
The Chinese government’s outsourced the oldest job in the history of the world!
Hold on to your testicles all you young bulls sunning out in the pasture. ...Read More »
After years of thinking that beer and Fritos were the cornerstone of my low salt diet, I’ve seen the light. No, literally. I almost met the Grim Reaper up close and personal.
Now, I’ve deep-sixed the beer except for the occasional “Suds-up Attack.”
I eat French fries only in the presence of...Read More »
The “Will you be Mine?” Whine
Aaargh … I just realized it’s February.
I swear every month is infested with a holiday, celebration, “important date,” or at least a trademarked Hallmark Moment.
What’s a guy to do?
This time I’m zeroed in on that half-naked, diapered, winged, flying cherub with his little bow and arrow which, if rumors are...Read More »
Finally ... A Reason to Watch the Stupor Bowl!
It’s Stupor Bowl Sunday and I’m damn stoked.
Twenty weeks of bone crushing, body abusing, concussive collisions brings us to one of the least watched and most partied events of the year.
There will be more nachos eaten, beer drunk, liquor consumed, chicken wings dipped and DUI’s issued than on any...Read More »
The “Man-i-fication” of Marco
OMG … It’s “Bootgahzi.” Marco’s cheesy $139 slick Florshiem ankle boots sparked a media frenzy over this smooth talking sleek walking South Beach presidential candidate.
Party insiders cringed.
It was as if Marco had strolled into his beloved Miami Dolphins’ locker room sporting a furry pink jockstrap and shouted, “Are you ready...Read More »
Trump RBF Walls!
I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Can you see my hand raised and waving?
I’ve got the answer … I know why Trump’s in the GOP primary campaign.
He’s a business man – Real Estate and construction. He acquires land, negotiates and builds.
The last thing he wants is to get stuck in...Read More »
Obama's Kitchen Aid
If you’re pissed about “Obama Care,” wait until you read this.
Not only is President Obama meddling with our hospitals, doctor’s offices, insurance companies and personal birth control, he’s also cavorting in our kitchens with Betty Crocker and Aunt Jemima.
Now he’s had the audacity to demand that the manufacturers of our...Read More »
My Resolution Free Zone
For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.
Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the...Read More »
The Wise Guys and the Baby: A Fractured Xmas Fable
In the beginning, there was imagination.
There were also people. Though they weren’t college educated or high school graduates, they had an incredible talent for telling stories.
One of their faves was told on long winter nights about a kid born to save all people from starvation, pestilence (There was no CDC...Read More »
'Tis the Season to De-Clutter!
In case you haven’t noticed, we’re smack dab in the middle of a down sizing, de-stuffing, de-cluttering epidemic!
By the time you read this, you’ll probably have less than 11 shopping days until Christmas. And, if you haven’t completed the art of driving up your credit debt and buying more useless...Read More »
The GOP Primary ... You Are What You Eat
More trouble in the GOP’s “Race-to-the-Bottom” Presidential Primary …
As if sorting through racial slurs, xenophobic rhetoric and opponent bashing weren’t enough, now some Bozos have analyzed the field’s diet and personal health habits.
Talk about confusing the situation … this takes the cake … Arrgh, who said that?
When asked about his...Read More »
War: Cliché and Bumper Sticker Style
Name the war and we’ve had a sound bite to power us into battle.
1776 … “Don’t fire ‘til you see the whites of their eyes.”
1812 … “Don’t give up the ship.”
1864 … “Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.”
Sounds like bumper stickers to me, though the first one wasn’t slapped on...Read More »
Now you’ve done it Starbucks … You’ve dumped us right back into another effing war. A war that makes us realize there are only 40 shopping days left before Christmas.
Just what was the covert op pulled off by Starbucks, the instigator of this latest international skirmish?
They had the audacity to...Read More »
Waaa, Waaa, Waaa!
Monkey see … monkey do.
Aping The Donald’s success of leading by whining, the GOP presidential candidates initiated their first ever Whine-In 2015, AKA, The Fantabulous Waaa-Waaa-Waaa!
Instigated by mild mannered Dr. Ben Carson … no not Dr. Ben Casey … all the candidates except Carly Fear-arena were represented in the group’s...Read More »
Bacon Takes One Right in the Chops
“Bacon will kill you,” my friend said. “No way,” I answered. “Way,” he insisted.
And that’s how I learned that I could be on death’s door because the WHO, who I thought lived in Whoville in Dr. Seuss books, has declared that bacon is a confirmed carcinogen.
This WHO turns out to...Read More »
You Won’t Believe What’s Driving Us Crazy
Road rage may soon exist only in our rear view mirrors … a behavior we had to leave behind not because we’ve become a kinder gentler nation, but because we’ve been kicked out of the driver’s seat.
The future is here and it’s the auto-drive auto … and damned if we...Read More »
Now we have Proof: Washington D.C. is Full of S**t?
Washington D.C.’s full of you-know-what. I bet you already knew that.
But, do you know what they’re doing with all that s**t?
D.C. now runs a major utility off this s**t, plus provides electricity for over 10,000 homes. Wow … That’s a lot of s**t!
Here’s an abridged version of the way it...Read More »
Guns Don’t Kill People, Hammers Do
Guns, guns and more guns … If I hear one more piece of insane rhetoric about guns, I think I’ll shoot myself!
My favorite justification for not controlling guns goes something like this, “Hammers kill people. Should we control hammers?”
So help me with this.
We already control cars, seat belts and child...Read More »
Happy Birthday to Me, I Can Sing it for Free
What better word is there in our capitalist system than, “free?”
It’s free. It won’t cost you a damn dime! What? No charge? Nada?
Yep … F-R-E-E. Free!
But since 1988, capitalists at Warner/Chappell Music held “Happy Birthday” hostage while collecting millions of dollars in royalties. Their case was based on the seriously...Read More »
What Ever Happened to “Fahrvergnugen?”
Volkswagen has a problem. Not a “Beetle” sized problem. More like an entire Germany sized problem.
They’ve been bitch-slapped big-time for cheating on emissions in 11 million diesel model cars. It’s a slap heard around the world.
VW’s top people admitted the whole plan was … well, planned! What? They admitted it? ...Read More »
Pope Rumbles with Congress
NEWS FLASH! John Boehner to launch Pope Francis’ address to congress next week with a massive bang!
Michael Buffer, World Wrestling Entertainment announcer extraordinaire, will issue the call to order: “Let’s Get Ready to Rum-m-m-mble!”
The minute the Pope’s visit was announced, GOP salvos were launched, conservative pundits sniped, and Republican presidential...Read More »
OMG! We’re under attack. The Polit-a-razzi are at the gates!! Reality TV has spawned this near sighted Goliath, filling every TV, tablet, smart phone and ear bud with political slime. They stalk their preferred prey setting up for the kill with tabloid style “gotcha moments” and campaign wrecking fake exposes.
Think...Read More »
Scandal Hits Muppet Land
Can you believe it?
After 40 long years Kermit and Miss Piggy are no longer an item.
Do I hear someone whispering behind the sty, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?” ABC, the new network in Muppet Land, knows this scandal will only get worse.
And if you effing believe that Kermit’s ex-pigfriend...Read More »
The Hurricane is Coming! Err, the Tropical Storm! Err, the Tropical Wave! Err, the Tropical Remnant – Maybe!
God, I love Flori-Duh. Most of all, I love my favorite time of year – Hurricane Season.
It’s show time for our state’s weather professionals. But folks, please take a step away from your weather maps.
We’ve got Erika, whose status could be anything from a hurricane to a remnant – which...Read More »
Where Lost Fat Goes: A Modern Mystery
Small talk at a cocktail party? It’s an art form. After “Hi, how ya doin’?” what do you say?
Forget the senseless banter.
This tidbit guarantees you’ll be a treasured invitee. You could even be an A-Lister – the person everyone wants at their next bash.
Here’s the secret. At cocktail parties, everybody...Read More »
Politically Correct This!
Have you ever heard “cris-cross applesauce?” WTF, you ask? Cris-cross applesauce!
The PC Police have invaded preschools and determined that sitting “Indian style” is verboten. To teach the little buggers how to sit cross legged, teachers have been told to use this cutsey little rhyme, “cris-cross applesauce.”
Let’s face it, kids are going...Read More »
Is my RBF Showing?
You might think the big news this week was the GOP debate. Think again. The big debate is about RBFs. What’s an RBF, you say?
For you cave dwellers, RBFs are the hot social networking topic. An RBF is a woman’s “Resting Bi*ch Face” – her photo posted on social media...Read More »
Just like “Sharknado,” Donald Trump rains down on the GOP in a hurricane of destruction and devastation.
“Hello, Grand Ole Party. I am your worst nightmare,” yells the Donald, sounding like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” as he brings his reality TV ax to the GOP primaries.
Trump plays the media like...Read More »
The Demon Junk Drawer
Every adult has one. It’s usually in the kitchen and has a life of its own. Stuff multiplies in it. It’s suspected that secret unprotected interspecies sex occurs.
Many of us have a strange habit that’s impossible to curb. It develops in spite of a simple mantra: “There’s a place for...Read More »
May I be “Frank” with you?
The Pope is coming! The Pope is coming! Sound the alarm!
Things will get hot, dare I say hot as Hell, if his visit to South America is any indication.
I like to call him Frank because he is so … “frank.” He minces no words and has little time for idle chit...Read More »
It Looks like Ireland to Me
I have a dirty little secret. You’ve got to promise you’ll still act like you know me once I’ve shared it with you.
Every morning I walk on trails where large birds have left deposits that no bank would accept. They remind me of the internationally acclaimed kid’s book, “Everyone Poops,”...Read More »
Who put the “duh” in Floriduh?
“Man Fatally Stabbed in Feud over Corndog” … “Florida Strip Club Offering Free Flu Shots” … “Thieves Kill Family’s Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving” … “Man Dies Getting Stuck in Girlfriend’s Cat Door.”
Real headlines in real Floriduh. Reasons for our behavior have been researched, studied, and pondered to no avail when...Read More »
Sharks, My Ass!
DUH ta DUH ta DUH ta DUH … the music thrums, the waves break, the sun’s rays cook bathers who frolic, heedless of the dangers beneath them.
Then someone yells, “Shark! Shark! Shark!” The music crashes and the swimmers panic in a headlong thrash away from the killers out of the...Read More »
GOP De-Bait Format Resolved
Houston, we have a problem … more Republican presidential candidates than can be stacked, squeezed or hung from trapezes on the stage. We’re talking the great GOP De-Bait crisis.
Fox News wants to limit the De-Bait to a mere 10 contestants, oops I mean candidates on the stage. But that’s oh...Read More »
Alpha Wolf or Alpha Wuss
Think you want to be an alpha male? You might want to think again – the job description is a little different than you might expect. No strutting around, showing your stuff, bossing people around while others stare in awe admiring your prowess.
It turns out that the alpha wolf can...Read More »
What’s Up with Burritos?
“Put your hands up and step away from the burrito!”
Sex crimes, physical assaults, property damage and life threats have all involved the “deadly burrito.” They’ve also been used as codpieces – could be messy – and hiding places for drug smuggling.
What’s up with that? Is it the ingredients, the mystical...Read More »
What I've Almost Learned after 23 Years of Marriage
This past week was our 23rd anniversary. After all these years I’m happy to report that I’ve learned a few hard earned lessons, though it’s obvious I’m still riding with training wheels.
This is what I’ve learned.
Don’t ever want your spouse to be “just like you.” What a f**king disaster that...Read More »
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
We’re at a crossroads. Our diets and protein sources have been dealt a huge blow right to the schnozz.
Now when you hear, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup,” it’s no longer considered a complaint. It’s a delicacy chock full of crunchy protein sans calories. ...Read More »
Barbie and SeaWorld Divorce ... Affair with PETA Suspected
As if SeaWorld didn’t have enough problems to contend with, now they’ve been dropped by Barbie.
Yes, that Barbie. The doll collected and dressed by pre-teen American girls and secretly fondled and undressed by their pre-teen brothers.
SeaWorld has felt the backlash of Killer Whales...Read More »
Man’s Inner A-hole
The other day, my not so pleasant “Inner A-hole” snuck out for a brief public appearance. Made me stop and think: Do all men have an Inner A-hole?
Some days it really doesn’t take much for me to reveal mine.
Just a quick challenge to my own sense...Read More »
It’s Party Time
Any day I can party a bit, celebrate a special occasion, and be happy … well, that’s a good day.
Here’re some “Good Day” contenders for this coming week that may be worthy of raising a glass or two, smiling, and wishing folks a “Happy ____ Day!”
Sunday, April 26th:...Read More »
You have a WHAT in your Yard?
Come on admit it. I’ll bet you have at least one, maybe even more, Florida pink plastic flamingos in your life. Come on … admit it!
If your ego allows it, you’ve got it smack dab in your front yard.
If you’re more timid about “coming out” with your flamingo, it’s probably...Read More »
Toilet Paper Wars
We’re in a war and we’re looking for a few good commandos. Are you ready to “Go Commando?”
In the last two decades we’ve seen our fair share of warfare, but we haven’t experienced anything like the wars currently being waged. This isn’t a napalm, Navy Seals, guerrilla war....Read More »
Confucius Say ...
I can’t sit still long enough to write the novel that allegedly is in each of us. Mine may be in me, but it ain’t gettin’ out.
So what’s a hyper-agitated-can’t-sit-still wannabe author to do?
Narrowly avoiding terminal angst, a lightning bolt of an idea hits me. Why not write...Read More »
The Nothing Room
A man has something a woman doesn’t have. Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s not what you think it is.
A man has a space – a space in his brain that’s completely unoccupied, devoid of any synapses or other links to thought. In this cranial...Read More »
I Yam what I Yam & I Yam Green
In case you weren’t aware of it, this Thursday, March 26th is National Spinach Day, the day reserved for celebrating all forms of spinach.
I love holidays – all holidays. Holidays are days worthy of celebration.
If it weren’t for holidays, I’d have no reason to get out of bed....Read More »
Bumper Sticker Madness
We’re clearly in a time when publicly sharing our personal lives is the norm.
Still I think it’s kind of weird when people I’ve never met reveal their private thoughts, political positions, family deaths and religious beliefs on the back of a car.
But I have to admit I’m hooked. It’s always...Read More »
Bucket List or F%&k-It-List?
I don’t get this idea of a Bucket List. It misses the point of life which is best described as “living.”
I don’t want to spend my limited time in the here-and-now seeking physical thrills or trying to outdo other humans in a never ending quest for the top thrill of...Read More »
Beware the Bombogenisis
When did weather reports become “extreme sports events?”
Weather people no longer simply report the arrival of cold fronts, warm fronts, high pressure systems or low pressure systems. They no longer point out bands of showers, snow, occasional hail or thunder storms.
Weather reports now rival the multi-media madness of a John...Read More »
BLOG: SERIOUSLY ABSURD
Welcome to my world. It’s off-kilter and that’s they way I like it. Life is a serious matter and as far as I know, this is it. So we better damn well enjoy it while we got it.
My approach is to “bend life without breaking it.” When I bend my...Read More »
Twinkies Born Again and Still the Rage
Three hundred and sixty-five days ago*, Twinkies were resurrected from the catacombs of financial bankruptcy and reappeared on retailer’s shelves throughout America.
We were Twinkie-less for eight months while the new owners fired loyal Twinkie bakers, packers, drivers and scads of other support people dedicated to years of uninterrupted Twinkies in...Read More »